How not to take feedback during BJ as criticism

(45 Posts)
IvyMayaZ Mon 13-Jul-20 10:27:12

I started dating a guy after my failed marriage. My confidence is not the best - I gained a lot of weight. However, I think I’m really good in bed. I started seeing a new guy and he loves to give feedback in bed (we are into BDSM so I understand he likes to be in control). But it’s getting to the point when I’m worried what I’ll do wrong. Every time I give him blow jobs/hand jobs he starts navigating my hands and fixing their position. Now he just sent me a message - article with blow job tips... I like that he knows what he likes and I want to learn him. However I’m not sure how to not take it personally. I’m kind of dreading another blow jobsad As I feel like I’m just terrible and can’t get it. (I’m 31) thank you for advice.

OP’s posts: |
Wherearemymarbles Mon 13-Jul-20 10:51:12

Its a tough one. Sending an article is a bit insensitive I agree

But he might not like the way you give a BJ so it makes sense to tell you.

Lycosidae Mon 13-Jul-20 11:31:32

Sending an article is really shit and a horrible thing to do. Sounds very contolling

Ginplease29 Mon 13-Jul-20 14:16:50

Sending an article like that is just plain rude! I would want to reply with an article about how to please a woman wink
I would find this far too controlling, he should be grateful he’s getting a bj and any criticism should be in the form of encouragement. E.g “I love it when you do xxx but can you do it a bit like this too etc”.

Happyhusband Mon 13-Jul-20 14:29:38

Exactly so. A gentle suggestion to slightly change something e.g. " move your hand a bit higher and I will explode" sort of thing adds to the fun. I have never minded guidance when returning or initiating oral fun. I would never send instructions. That is rude arrogant and spiteful.

IvyMayaZ Mon 13-Jul-20 16:03:40

Just decided to copy a message I got from him (before sending me the article) :

don't want you to take this as criticism (as it's not). But, there are some things you can do that i would enjoy that you currently don't do. This is all under the realm of "getting to know one another”

I would also like to mention that you seem to get my * really wet when you suck it. It feels nice, but makes it so slippy that your fingers seem to miss/move from the area of my * that you need stimulate.

And, you'll notice, I haven't said what you are doing is bad. What said was there are some things I like that you currently don't do. And a couple of things you do that are a little frustrating as they prevent you from doing the things I like...

I’m not sure if I’m just sensitive or overreacting... but I feel like I really put all my effort in when he is instructing me in real life and now I’m just double nervous about seeing him again and going down on him sad I feel like a 15 year old who never done it before! I got a lot of compliments prior - never instructions or anything like this...

OP’s posts: |
nomorelove Mon 13-Jul-20 16:07:36

Irritating as fuck

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StarlightLady Mon 13-Jul-20 16:10:32

‘Sounds to me that he is frightened to have a conversation with you. I will tell a man what l want, but not by an on line message.

Lycosidae Mon 13-Jul-20 16:32:23

I’m a bloke and would never do this (I’d just be grateful). He sounds like he is controlling and this is making you feel insecure.... I may be harsh here, but he doesn’t sound like a keeper!

openplankitchen Mon 13-Jul-20 18:23:58

Don't take it personally

We can't all like the same things sexually. If he doesn't enjoy some aspects of your sex life that's no reflection on you (or him). However after such an awful message that he sent you, I'm sure you won't be sticking around any longer!

Rocaille Mon 13-Jul-20 21:19:23

Tell him to fuck off and find someone else to put up with his condescending bullshit.

Littlemix1 Mon 13-Jul-20 21:43:36

My partner has told me what he doesn't like when I've given head or a hand job and I agree it's not nice. But I'd rather know how best to please him and if he did things I didn't like I'd be happy to tell him. But sending an article is a little harsh I think

achillesratty Mon 13-Jul-20 22:38:54

There is nothing wrong with gentle guidance and well placed "oh that feels amazing or harder, slower, faster etc" while you are doing it so you can learn what you both like but a written critique of your performance? No way, most men would be grateful you were willing to do it.

Tell him to fuck off and suck his own cock!

PinotPony Mon 13-Jul-20 22:39:35

He sounds very D but I'm guessing that's just the dynamic in your relationship. In which case, of course he's going to tell you what to do!

That said, he still needs to respect your feelings and listen to your concerns. Why don't you simply tell him that you're trying to please him but his feedback is starting to erode your confidence? Any decent Dom would adjust his behaviour towards you accordingly.

Oldestchild90s Mon 13-Jul-20 23:35:29

achillesratty

There is nothing wrong with gentle guidance and well placed "oh that feels amazing or harder, slower, faster etc" while you are doing it so you can learn what you both like but a written critique of your performance? No way, most men would be grateful you were willing to do it.

Tell him to fuck off and suck his own cock!


This.

SuperJan Mon 13-Jul-20 23:55:30

If someone sent me that, it'd only be the keyboard that got wet, and that only if I had just taken a sip of something.

There's feedback and there's this.

Rocaille Tue 14-Jul-20 00:02:52

He sounds very D

Yes, the faux-formal tone of his was total cringe. I'd dump him for that alone.

1forAll74 Tue 14-Jul-20 03:53:42

OMG How hilarious is that. I would write something stupid, funny,or scathing back to a text like that. If you think that he is the best world super stud, well so be it. But very odd to give you some instructions.!

JustAnotherPoster00 Tue 14-Jul-20 05:03:59

That said, he still needs to respect your feelings and listen to your concerns. Why don't you simply tell him that you're trying to please him but his feedback is starting to erode your confidence? Any decent Dom would adjust his behaviour towards you accordingly.

^^This

Although I've never ever experienced a Dom offering advice in such a condesending tone, OP are you sure he isnt just an abusive, controlling man masquerading as a Dom I've seen plenty of them

Anotherblokelurking Tue 14-Jul-20 06:24:42

If someone was willing to do something as intimate as a blow job on me I’d lie back and enjoy it and be extremely grateful! It would have to be really bad for me to criticise but the giver would probably know it was bad if I didn’t come anyway.

Rocaille Tue 14-Jul-20 09:12:59

are you sure he isnt just an abusive, controlling man masquerading as a Dom

The two are synonymous in my experience. I've never understood why getting a boner when you beat women up makes it OK.

JustAnotherPoster00 Tue 14-Jul-20 09:39:19

In a BDSM relationship (if youve never experienced one) its the sub that is actually in charge, the sub gets to set the limits and how far the sub wants the Dom to push those limits, so no they are not synonymous but I'm sorry youve had such bad experiences with those who claim they are a 'Dom' but clearly arent, thats on them not you flowers

RosieBenenden Tue 14-Jul-20 11:22:54

Try seeing it as great learning. All guys have different needs so guiding how you suck him should be positive and help you enjoy pleasing him too. the same goes for how he licks ur pussy or fucks you - give him advice and guidance in return. Most of us need to learn how to suck men better so see it as an opportunity hun

SirGawain Tue 14-Jul-20 12:23:52

I’m not sure if I’m just sensitive or overreacting... but I feel like I really put all my effort in when he is instructing me in real life and now I’m just double nervous about seeing him again and going down on him sad I feel like a 15 year old who never done it before! I got a lot of compliments prior - never instructions or anything like this...

He's a condecending arsehole. Tell him to get on his bike.

SirGawain Tue 14-Jul-20 12:27:28

But he might not like the way you give a BJ so it makes sense to tell you.

He has another alternative, and it doesn't involve to OP

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