Will most men try it on?

(43 Posts)
Ritascornershop Sun 17-May-20 04:21:45

I’ve had fairly limited experience of men - lived with my bf when young for a few years, then a long term marriage with the next man, then love of my life who I had to break up with, then recently tried dating a bloke but am giving up on him (for various reasons). 3/4 of them (all but the first) tried to hustle me along to bed.

I like sex just fine, it was epic with the love of my life, but for the most part I need to trust the man first. Recent fella is over 65 (just over 10 years older than me), we’ve been on 5 socially distanced walks and he said he’s “never been this patient”! 5 dates without sleeping together does not feel like deprivation to me, I feel I’m just getting to know him (this + that he’s told me he probably just wants fun, which I translate as meaning sex, has put me off him).

As I said, I don’t have much experience, but I find this sad. For me, especially at my age, I’d like to get to know someone first and wonder if most of them try to accelerate things or if I just don’t appeal to more domesticated types?

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Ritascornershop Sun 17-May-20 06:18:13

Not even wondering so much for me as I’m thinking about giving up. Just wondering in theory.

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StarlightLady Sun 17-May-20 07:20:29

I’m in my 40s. I don’t think it’s about time, it’s about chemistry and passion. Sex is about sharing of each other’s bodies, not about giving to someone.

Getting to know someone is about getting to know their body too, that is not something in isolation.

My sister has been happily married for years to someone she bedded (they met at a wedding of a mutual friend in an hotel) within hours of meeting.

Likewise, sex on a first date has, on occasion, worked for me.

But it is down to the individuals concerned and the key thing, consent.

Ritascornershop Sun 17-May-20 10:26:27

I slept with my now exh the first day I met him, and slept with the loml pretty quickly. But I’d rather take some time, and so was just wondering if it’s common for the man to try to move it along quickly? Or what feels like quickly to me.

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Ritascornershop Sun 17-May-20 10:27:44

My exh was very emotionally abusive so I can’t just trust someone and be naked and vulnerable too quickly.

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Gwenhwyfar Sun 17-May-20 15:31:59

I think most men are like this and it's one of the main reasons why I'm single.

PrawnSacrifice Sun 17-May-20 15:40:13

I didn't have sex with my first partner for nearly four months until she felt she was ready.

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Gwenhwyfar Sun 17-May-20 16:21:03

When was that though Prawn? Probably not in the days of online dating I'd wager.

MarkStrongDirtyTalk Sun 17-May-20 17:21:04

Tbh, if he ‘wants fun’ he probably just wants a fuck buddy. If that’s not what you want, move on. Neither are you are wrong, you are just incompatible on this issue.

Fwiw, I’m a woman who has been in a monogamous relationship for 20yrs, so perhaps my view is outdated.

zarek Sun 17-May-20 17:33:22

I imagine most men are interested in sex as part of a romantic relationship. Its sort of a natural extension of friendship for us too

Ritascornershop Sun 17-May-20 17:58:34

Zarek, I’m not disinterested in sex confused I’m asking about the speed with which perhaps the majority of men want it to occur.

I knew I wouldn’t see him over the weekend but when I do I’m going to tell him that I think I’m better off emotionally either entirely alone or with someone who wants a committed partner. In between doesn’t suit my personality, I’d get attached and want more. I’m going to knock it on the head when I see him next.

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Ritascornershop Sun 17-May-20 18:02:44

And thanks Gwen, Prawn and MarkStrong (love the name Mark!).

This wasn’t an OLD by the way, I’ve known him vaguely for a few years, he was widowed two years ago so he’s trying dating again for the first time so I do understand why he wants to leap in - but I want to be important to someone or not be bothered in the first place.

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PrawnSacrifice Sun 17-May-20 18:31:08

@Gwen

Yes, pre OLD, but that wouldn't change my mindset if the same happened now.

MarkStrongDirtyTalk Sun 17-May-20 20:02:38

His voice makes me go weak, @Ritascornershop. [giddy]

Ritascornershop Sun 17-May-20 20:13:00

I haven’t seen him in much MarkStrong, but he made a big impression on me in Tinker Tailor - and he does have a wonderful voice.

It’s just annoying as I think I’m worth a whole relationship but I think he’s best off with a fuckbuddy for now (Though I did think by almost 70 a man might not be into that).

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MarkStrongDirtyTalk Sun 17-May-20 20:44:35

Some never seem to grow up

Ritascornershop Sun 17-May-20 21:48:27

Yes, I’m beginning to realize that. He was happily married for a long time, but I wish they’d see me like that. In general they don’t seem to, so I’m happy to be finally learning strong boundaries.

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BubblyBarbara Sun 17-May-20 22:46:39

he’s told me he probably just wants fun, which I translate as meaning sex

That's exactly what it means and he has been honest about it. Stop seeing him if this disagrees with your view of starting a relationship. "Just wants fun" is not going to be a long term deep relationship

Ritascornershop Sun 17-May-20 22:52:34

I’m so dim, I initially thought he meant something along the lines of concerts and holidays and meals out (post-Covid). It was only once I got home that I realized what he meant. I just forget that men tend to see me as a fling not as someone they can’t love without. Then I give myself a hard time for this invisible lack that I have that they see and I don’t. It used to really upset me, but now I’ve remembered I’ll just get my caution back in gear.

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Ritascornershop Sun 17-May-20 22:53:30

Can’t live without, though I guess can’t love without works too!

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BubblyBarbara Sun 17-May-20 22:55:26

There are plenty of men who do want richer relationships, cultural activities, etc. This just might not be the one! smile

Ritascornershop Sun 17-May-20 23:01:47

For sure, they just haven’t been attracted to me since around 1995 (That was around when my now exh went off me - and I look good for my age, it’s a personality thing). Since the exh I had a relationship but while he said he was in love with me, he wasn’t as he was quite able to do without me for long periods. Mr Justfun is the first one since and at least this time I recognize the patter.

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1forAll74 Mon 18-May-20 04:22:24

I think that older men, 65 ish don't have much sexual prowess, but they imagine that they do. You are younger,and attractive, so this has fired the man up. But you might find him to be a bit of a flop in the cold light of day,

Ritascornershop Mon 18-May-20 05:29:38

Well, I shall never find out! I expect I’ll see him in the next few days and say that I’m not cut out for a fling and can’t be bothered if it’s not going anywhere. My exbf was quite a bit younger than me so it would be a learning curve if an older fella wasn’t ... ready.

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Ritascornershop Mon 18-May-20 06:51:48

Also his kissing style was really diametrically opposed to mine which does not bode well for the sex. To me it lacked finesse, no teasing, no ... savouring I guess. The previous fella broke my heart, but at least I can look back on great sex and I kind of don’t want to follow up with bad sex (& I have a feeling I’d find it bad).

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