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Aversion to sex toys - is this weird?(6 Posts)
Name changed as this is a bit mortifying. And long, sorry.
OH and I have been together 18 years, married for 10. Sex life has been up and down over the years due to 2 kids by c section (ages 7 and 2) and various gynae issues on my part (recurrent thrush, bv, and irregular long periods all of which are now mostly fixed). Since getting back to normal after our youngest stopped breastfeeding a year ago we probably have sex a couple of times a week give or take depending on illness, teething and the exhaustion of both working full time jobs. OH is attentive in bed but less so with day to day affection -im more likely to get a slap on the arse than a cuddle. If he had his way sex would be daily and it seems to be all he ever thinks about which I find over powering. Anyway, background aside we've had a situation over the last few weeks which came to a head last night...
About 6 weeks ago OH bought 2 sex toys. It's not the first time he has done this but I thought after the last 3 went unused after an initial joint use he might have gotten the message. The new ones stayed in his bed side drawer and he would ask every few days if I'd tried them yet. Last night we had a bit of a date night with a takeaway and some relaxing after kids went to bed plus a few gins for me - he doesn't drink. Up in bed after some foreplay he started to use one of the toys on me and being drunk I thought, ok I'll give it a go for him. It's one of these remote type ones and I was relaxed when he put it in but he hit the button, it started vibrating and I freaked out. Think I said get that out of me I dont like it then burst into tears. He was very apologetic and said he just wants to make sex better for me, to which I explained I dont need it improved, I always come at least once, often multiple times. We finished what we started but I know we will have to have a conversation about my reaction.
So honestly, am I that strange to not be turned on by buzzy bits of plastic and rubber? Has OHs porn viewing made him think all women are? I dont know exactly why I'm averse but would guess it's a combination of:
Lots of internal examinations with speculum to the point that I don't like the feel of anything unnatural in there.
I am very sensitive down there and a strong vibrating sensation either internally and externally makes me feel physically sick in my stomach
My anatomy means that I have very little space down there - doctors have previously commented that I'm very narrow with a short perineum and a tilted cervix. Sometimes during sex I feel like I'm going to pooh because my passages are so close together.
I think I really upset OH last night as he thought I would like it but it's just not my thing. And never has been so why can't he realise that?
Forget remote control jobs and goodness knows what.
Instead remember the key female sex organ is the clitoris. Back to basics! It’s not a space issue. Stimulating the cltoris requires no space.
I suggest you treat yourself to a small vibey and discover yourself. The needs are totally different to 1:1 sex. Take some “me time”, explore and enjoy your own body.
After that, should you decide it’s not for you, all well and good. But it does seem that you are putting up a barrier due to his somewhat inappropriate attitude to it all.
Incidently, do you regularly orgasm and what is your technique?
You shouldn’t think in terms of upsetting DH. He should have known better. If you weren’t impressed with previous toys, why would you be impressed now.
It’s your body, you do what’s comfortable and enjoyable for you.
You told him you don’t need any other external input stimulation, you told him it all works perfectly well the way it is, you don’t need the pressure of all these introductions he is attempting. He can use them on himself if he’s that keen on toys.
In answer to your actual question, no, it’s not weird at all. I don’t like toys, don’t like the idea of them, would be a complete turn off for me, I’ve never been curious about them, don’t get this obsession some people have with these items. And I have no long term physical issues or any kind of emotional trauma etc related to sex. So it’s not that. I think it’s a ridiculous concept. And I don’t care they are popular and others are using them.
Nothing weird about you at all.
Thank you both for replies.
I can orgasm absolutely no problem either on my own or with OH through clitoral stimulation. But contact has to be either very light or around it in a circular motion as I'm so sensitive that direct contact becomes painful.
My past history with vibrators has been an original rampant rabbit over 10 years ago that I found too hard and moved in a horrible twirly way which hit my cervix and caused discomfort.
Second toy was a small bullet type one which even on the lowest setting was too buzzy for citoral use. I do still have it but it was only used jointly on a couple of occasions as I found it uncomfortable.
3rd one was a softer feeling massager type one which was the best of the bunch as it wasn't over stimulating the couple of times we used it. But it has been in my underwear drawer for at least a year as it's just not what I'm into - if I do masturbate it tends to be in the bath or shower, and even then its once in a blue moon as I prefer sex with OH to going solo. I think OH actually thought I had chucked it out hence him buying new ones! He seems to think that between a full time job, 2 kids and practically running the house myself due to his long work hours I have spare time to just go off on my own for a play with sex toys...I'm lucky if I get 60 seconds to pee alone!
The sex toy issue is part of a larger problem of feeling like hes obsessed with sex. If it's not toys he wants to film us or for me to dress up in stockings and suspenders. There is not a day goes by that I dont get suggestive comments or messages on my phone. I'm no prude but I'm finding it exhausting and a turn off when I'm bombarded by it
As I was typing hes just sent me this -
Yeah cos a very powerful mains powered vibrator is just what I want...fuck sake.
This reminded me of an incident years ago when I wanted to try my then boyfriends ab electro thingy. We put all the pads on my stomach etc and he turned it on but must’ve just turned it up straight away and I remember my physical reaction was so immediate and awful, I cried so it could have been the physical more than emotional.
If it’s not for you it’s not for you. I think you need to have a big talk and ask him to just back off entirely for a while, let you get your breath back.
Good luck x