How often do you cum in your sex life?

(37 Posts)
PeanutbutterJamSandwich Fri 03-Apr-20 08:05:49

Not sure how to word it, I don’t mean multiple orgasms during one session, but do you cum each time you have sex?

I don’t and it’s a bit shit.

I’m in my mid 30s, dh mid 40s. We have 2 young children so don’t get as much time as we used to.

I have never been able to cum during actual intercourse, never! Which is rubbish, and it can take me ages with foreplay too. We use a vibe a lot to speed things up. We used to do a lot of foreplay but just struggle with time and energy atm.

But I don’t always want to cum before sex, I want to have long hard sex 1st, then cum. But if this happens my dh ends up cumming 1st and I’m left unsatisfied!.... Not necessarily from not cumming but from having a good time cut short. Sometimes he can cum after just 5 mins.

I know he feels bad, he said sorry last night! How can I help him last longer?

OP’s posts: |
StarlightLady Fri 03-Apr-20 08:22:45

I think you are focussing far too much on the penetration issue. Touching, caressing, oral, kissing are all part of having sex. It’s not just a prelude to entry.

And there is no reason to stop after he has ejaculated.

Focus on your climax first if it helps. If it takes a while, that is not a problem. It is not a race!

PeanutbutterJamSandwich Fri 03-Apr-20 08:28:53

Thanks.

We often do focus on me 1st, but sometimes it feels like a chore and something we need to get out of the way. I then can’t relax and it takes even longer!

We’ve been great in the past, we’ve been to tantric workshops and learnt how to massage properly and take time. We used to make a couple of hours in the evening when dc were fast asleep.

I think at the moment we have fallen in to a rut of being tired of an evening and just up for a quick one. My dh never initiates anymore, I think it’s because he has put a bit of weight on and feels self conscious. But it means that we’re having these quickies in bed, which I wouldn’t mind so much if they lasted longer.

OP’s posts: |
Normalmumandwife Fri 03-Apr-20 08:46:31

I cum virtually every time. I wish I could hold off but he is good at stopping if I'm getting too near.

I think you are in a bit of a rut and it has become an issue. You need to try different things but how about pillows under your bum to raise it, let him penetrate you but also massage your clitoris. Just get back to being used to having an orgasm whilst he is inside you

Also perhaps foreplay, get near cumming and let him perpetrate you then so at least he cums in you whilst you reach orgasm

Although from posts on here a lot of women seem to struggle having an orgasm full stop so at least you don't have that problem!!

PeanutbutterJamSandwich Fri 03-Apr-20 09:45:23

Thanks @Normalmumandwife

Yeah we are definitely stuck in a rut!

I just wondered how common it was not to orgasm every time, particularly with a long term partner.

Do women normally get the duff end off the deal when it comes to sex in ltrs? I feel like I have!

I just wish he’s initiate more too. It’s rubbish initiating and then not actually being satisfied!

OP’s posts: |
outdooryone Fri 03-Apr-20 10:29:48

A male point of view.

It sounds like you need to chat to him...
Make him know you still fancy him, that you like what he does to you, and that cumming is a lovely, intimate thing he can help you do.

Fwiw, my ex didn't cum through penetration, only clit stimulation. We worked out some nice ways of moving from just PIV thrusting to being able to touch clit and be PIV. It met both our needs - hers to cum and me to delay yet enjoy PIV.
Both of us prefered to cum with PIV.

PeanutbutterJamSandwich Fri 03-Apr-20 15:32:51

Thank you

OP’s posts: |

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Normalmumandwife Fri 03-Apr-20 17:24:11

I don't think it's always women...a lot of men moan on here about women losing interest in sex/them

Have you ever cum with a previous partner when inside you or is it just an issue with him.

Being a bit more explorative with sex could help...but difficult when you are stuck in a rut. I know (blush) when he was inside me one he was very aroused and started talking really dirty to me and god...send me straight over the edge and had multiple orgasms which was lovely.

But you probably need t go a step at a time

PrawnSacrifice Fri 03-Apr-20 22:13:15

You sound like my DW. Never orgasms from PIV and takes an age, if at all to orgasm from manual, oral or vibrator stimulation, to the point where it's a 'thing' and a 'chore'.

Because it's such a struggle to give her an orgasm, it puts me off having sex as it's almost like a constant reminder that I'm not good enough.

My problem is that I can't orgasm either due to anti depressants so neither of us can orgasm. Sex is now rubbish.

PeanutbutterJamSandwich Fri 03-Apr-20 22:28:24

Thanks @Normalmumandwife, I’ve never been able to come during PIV sex. Even with a vibe.
We’ve been together for 16yrs and have always had a good, healthy sex life.

OP’s posts: |
PeanutbutterJamSandwich Fri 03-Apr-20 22:29:42

That’s it @PrawnSacrifice.. I think it’s hard to relax when it’s taking ages! Catch 22

Sounds shit @prawn, I’m really sorry

OP’s posts: |
PrawnSacrifice Fri 03-Apr-20 22:39:18

It awful as what do you do when neither of you have any orgasmic build up pleasure. Sure it feels nice, but only nice and there's never and build up or excitement, encouragement or requests for deeper, harder, faster, just there, like that or similar as nothing gives those feelings.

It's just going through the motions and I feel like I'm really missing out as sex is really important to me. What rubs salt in the wound is that a previous partner orgasmed easily from PIV and often more than once - it was glorious, so I know what i'm missing out on.

Jane1978xx Fri 03-Apr-20 23:07:16

Use toys at whatever stages you need something extra

Longsight2019 Tue 07-Apr-20 03:14:18

Buy a womanizer or equivalent and use that whilst having penetrative sex.

It also sounds like he lacks control. If it was obvious I was going to cum before my wife was ready, I’d hold off. I’d help her get there.

We can climax together every time if we choose to through communication. Sometimes that communication is silent

Also, do you stimulate yourself whilst he’s inserted? Every partner I’ve had has, usually leading to their orgasm. Unless they’ve wanted me to take over.

Henrieta2 Fri 10-Apr-20 18:01:48

Every time I come . Usually from fore play I need clit action always . Can take minutes to about 10 minutes max with my partner
In my own I can come in about 3 minutes 🤣 I know all the tricks lol

Coconuttts Tue 14-Apr-20 21:13:35

Would you not just reach down between you and touch your clit during sex? I sometimes do this and it’s the best way to orgasm during sex. Frankly, women who say they cum without clit stimulation are probably lying.

Osirus Tue 28-Apr-20 01:42:44

Frankly, women who say they cum without clit stimulation are probably lying.

I can grin and no, I’m not lying.

I have an orgasm every time we have sex, and have done every time during our 14 year relationship. I’m probably a bit unusual as I do finish quickly and easily. I know this isn’t the norm.

My DH holds off until I’ve finished or we finish at the same time depending on what we’re doing grin

If I found reaching climax difficult, I think he would still make sure I’d finished first. He would probably appreciate it taking a bit longer!

With DH, he is hugely turned on by seeing me enjoy what he’s doing to me. I thought this was fairly normal - if your partner felt the same way it wouldn’t feel like a chore unless this is just your interpretation?

MrsMonicaBing Tue 28-Apr-20 21:17:58

@Osirus does that mean you don't need your clitoris touched whatsoever to be able to orgasm? Does having his body rubbing against you not have anything to do with it? Sorry I'm just really curious (and a bit jealous)

cosmicbabe Tue 28-Apr-20 22:14:02

@Osirus yes I want to know this too

Diffusername2 Tue 28-Apr-20 22:28:11

I come every time, multiple times. But I come easily. Definitely don't need clit stimulation to come..

ThisGunsForHire Tue 28-Apr-20 23:00:34

I always orgasm - by getting on top.

ponchek Wed 29-Apr-20 05:29:03

Osiris isn't lying. This also happens to me sometimes. And we can't really use any artificial aids as am too sensitive and don't need it.

OP I think your DH has stopped initiating as he feels glum about not satisfying you, and embarrassed about supposedly coming too quickly.

After five minutes' thrusting is not quick really. My DP lasts less than a minute mostly ☺️ Biologically speaking, it's more advantageous for the male to get the job done definitively and ASAP! Before the female wriggles out from under him and scarpers!

I think you should actually maybe focus on him a bit and trying a more loving, less pressured perspective. Orgasm isn't everything ..... I think revisit the tantric massaging etc that you did before. Maybe have some explicitly non-sexual but sensual sessions like foot massage. There needs to be understanding, humility and generosity on both sides, and no pressure. And you can always satisfy yourself so that you're taking the angst out of encounters with your DH a bit.

Also try just going on top. The friction on you should help you to orgasm. And just tell him to do his 13 times table. Preferably into six figures ☺️

MrsMonicaBing Wed 29-Apr-20 06:58:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ponchek Wed 29-Apr-20 07:49:51

MrsMonica that's so sad to hear - really sorry. Of course it's not your fault!!!! It's not that you can orgasm. It's that he doesn't prioritise it and do it! Not you!

I'm biting my tongue so I don't pass judgement on him ...

StarlightLady Wed 29-Apr-20 12:35:55

@MrsMonicaBing

“My partner won’t do missionary” - Why?

“Won’t do oral” - Why?

“...or fingers” - Why?

“...or toys either” - Why?

How did you end hp together? I would move on to someone who understands how a woman “works”. I certainly wouldn’t have sex with someone who would not go down on me.

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