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I miss good sex(35 Posts)
Name changed for this for obvious reasons.
I’m midforties and have a happy and loving DH but our sex life is getting me down massively and I don’t know what to do.
When DH and I got together I was very aware that I was only his second long-term girlfriend and he’d only slept with three people in his entire life. He was a late bloomer and not very confident, so wasn’t a great success with the ladies despite being very good looking. I took this on assuming that he’d welcome my direction and experience (I’ve been around the block more than a couple of times and he knew this) and I thought we could experiment and find out what he really likes together and that over time our sex life would improve.
12 years in and he’s never really gotten the hang of being good in bed. I’ve tried everything! I’ve tried talking about sex when we’re not in the bedroom so he knows what I’d like, when we having sex I’ve tried telling him gently and making hints and suggestions, when he does something right I make a lot of noise and show that I’m really enjoying myself, I’ve suggested we watch porn videos together but he’s just not interested. He is very unconfident and sex always feels a bit awkward and formulaic. I don’t want to make him feel even less confident so I’m being subtler than it sounds and I’m trying not to pressure him, but I am absolutely gagging for the sex I used to have before we got together.
I miss passionate, rough sex! I miss anal! I miss fucking all night and aching the next day. It’s like I’ve fallen in to nice and polite sex, but I’m just not fulfilled.
We do it about once every other week and he usually initiates. (I’m not that fussed as I know what will happen) and then we have nice, polite sex and go to sleep. It’s like being served a sandwich but really you want a nice dirty kebab!!
Is this the rest of my life? He’s great as a DH and as a father and we are genuinely happy other than this.
What can I do?
Also user name a bit misleading! I’m not massively kinky. I do like a bit of tying up and mild bondage, but only rarely. It’s mostly passion and toughness I miss.
He's obviously not the dominant type. Switch??
Have you tried writing to him...via email...describing what you would like him to do to you...and encouraging him to reply with what he would like to do to you?
I did this years ago with a fwb and we had soooo much fun....
It absolutely never too late to learn. We got together and were both our first and only partners. This has not stopped up exploring and we have a very racy sex life so past partners do not add up. Sex is a subject like everything else, reading, watching and communication can help massively. Maybe explain your desire in the context of how he desires things. Good luck
After 12 years I would say the best you can expect is to work on evolution rather than revolution. Long term relationships tend to be about compromises as no one ticks all the boxes. You have to weight up if you would be happier moving on.
It is absolutely possible to get your DH to broaden his sexual horizons, but the crucial thing is that he has to want to do it.
You have wound up in this situation because I suspect that your kink cards were not laid out on the table at a very early stage in the relationship. If you suppress your needs at the start, it is then possible to become emotionally involved with someone whose desires in bed do not match up to yours. You are then in a relationship with a person you love, but who does not tick your boxes as far as sex is concerned - that seems to be your predicament.
All is not lost though: you need to be totally honest and tell him exactly what you want in order to have a satisfying sex life. I wouldn't go for a little by little drip feed of my desires; I would want to lay out everything, but you know him better than I do, of course. Emphasise that you love him and want to try these things with him. Tell him that this is incredibly important to you. It may cause some hurt that to some extent there has been an element of untruth over a considerable length of time, but if you don't open up and communicate with him I can only begin to imagine how awful these desires will make you feel if you leave them to fester for yet more years.
You could of course just suppress your needs and continue to live a miserable, sexually unsatisfied existence - your choice.
I could have written your post OP, genders reversed.
I've come to terms with the fact that some people are just more sexual than others.
I tried everything to help my DW become more daring, adventurous, spontaneous, passionate etc, all to no avail.
The polite, formulaic, predictable sex is a long way from what I'd like, but I had to just accept that if I want to stay with my wife, I have to learn to accept this is who she is.
I too hoped that she would 'come out of her shell' with time and experience, but this hasn't happened.
I think learning to accept is the long term solution, as trying to change someone can be damaging and unfair to both parties and the relationship.
Thanks for the replies
@NurseButtercup I’ve tried writing him a letter and sending him erotic fiction (not mine, mine would I be awful) but he wasn’t interested.
@lavitaedura Sounds like you’ve got it cracked. We do communicate quite well, but he’s very reluctant to tell me what HE likes. I thought it was because he didn’t know, but now I think maybe he just likes nice polite sex.
@zarek I’ve had a few successes along the way. He now likes to give and receive oral (took me a few years) but I’ve run out of oomph with constantly having to encourage. I’d give our sex life a 3/10 but I can live with it for now.
@xpc316e I’ve always been very open about my previous sex life, experiences and what I consider to be my best sexual experiences. He knows I’m far from vanilla and is not jealous or bothered by my history.
You are spot on with the fact that he doesn’t really want to expand his horizons.
He’s happy and I do enjoy our sex life, but I thought he’d get more adventurous as he got more confident, but he just doesn’t seem to want to try anything new now.
You know how some people are happy to eat the same 7 dinners over and over. Well that’s our sex life!
You are right and I’m going to have to be more direct and tell him how I feel. I am just scared of adding pressure to sex, as that never ends well and I don’t want to put him off.
Ok I’m going to ask him to use a toy on me next time we do it (previously he’s refused) and use that to open up a discussion about my needs.
Mostly I think I want him to feel differently about sex. Experimenting with someone who feels self conscious is just not as much fun as doing it with someone who loves it as much as you do. Sigh.
@PrawnSacrifice Yes! You sound like you’re in exactly the same situation as me.
I want him to want to try! Not just me constantly trying to spice things up.
Get on him and bounce as hard as you can, take the lead, shove your tits in his face/mouth and see how he reacts, maybe a night out will losen him up for when you get home?
He is very unconfident and sex always feels a bit awkward and formulaic.
Maybe there is an underlying problem that needs addressing?
I don't have any advice as I'm am single, and am enjoying a weird and wonderful range of sexual experiences with open minded fellows (thanks to Fab), but if I had stayed with my ex then I too would have definitely been in same position as you ... and no @Justaordinarybloke that position would not be bouncing up and down with my tits in his face 🤦♀️
I think you are doing all you can but it must be very frustrating.
Also, I think women in their 40's have a spike in their sex drive, I know I have, which will definitely not be helping the situation 🙄
Keep smiling, with your toys in your hand, when he has left the house ;-)
I just don't think you can change someone's appetite.
I would love nothing more than my DW to come up to me during the day (yes, shock horror, not at bed time) and just grab me, take me upstairs and just ask me to f*ck her good and hard. I'd like her to ask me to go harder or faster, to make some noise and talk dirty to me, to say things like "Oooh, yeah, just like that, please don't stop....." etc.
All the things that indicate she's up for it, horny and loves and enjoys a good passionate shag as much as me.
But she doesn't, never has and never will. Because that's not who she is, and is not commensurate with her character and personality.
It sounds like your DH is the same.
I genuinely believe you're on a hiding to nothing trying to make him something he's not.
If he had a dark, lustful spark in him, you'd have seen it by now.
Sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind, give him a bit of constructive criticism just make sure he doesn't take it the wrong way then grab the bull by its horns and see where it takes you.
I’m male. I dont like rough sex. Nor am i a huge fan of anal and being with someone for 12 years wouldn’t change that
Your mistake at the beginning was thinking you could mould him into the kind of lover you wanted.
If he enjoyed the same things as you, you wouldn’t be posting here.
I have to agree.
I'd also advise against constructive criticism. it will most likely give him performance anxiety and make him even less likely to feel confident and expressive.
I truly believe acceptance is the way forward, not trying to change someone who doesn't want to change.
To add I imagine he knows by now you think he is crap in bed. He probably doesn't want to do anal or rough sex but knows you do so it os bound to make him feel a bit shit.
Sorry to say but I think you’d BOTH have more fulfilling sex lives with other people. Not that I am suggesting you split.
Is he down the line and straight in all matters outside the bedroom? Does he ever get excited by something? A sport? Aspects of his job?
If there is nothing then you are struggling...
If there is something then what is it about that that turns him on? I.e. can you get passionate about something else together and build up that chemistry?
@talkingmouse He doesn’t get passionate about much, if anything. You’re right, I’d never thought about that before!! He’s pretty laid back and quiet. I think I being passionate is not natural for him about anything.
@otterhound He is not ‘crap’ in bed. He’s just not fantastic. I’d give him a 3/10. He always makes sure I orgasm at least once and he’s not selfish. He’s just not adventurous or open to changes in the sexual routine. I don’t think he knows quite how frustrated I am and I’m careful not to put pressure on him as I would hate to give him issues and he has progressed.
@PrawnSacrifice I’m not ready to give up and accept this is it just yet. I can’t!! I can’t live the rest of my life with such polite sex.
I’m going to ask him for toys and take it as an opp to have a good discussion. I might even try it tonight when we’re not in the bedroom so to avoid pressure during the deed. I’ve got to keep trying.
This thread has really helped me so far. Massive thanks for all the responses. I’m thinking about it differently now.
Good luck with it, I hope it works out.
I tried with limited success to improve things for us, but eventually realised that what I wanted wasn't DW to do certain things, but for her to want to do them off her own back, for herself, to satisfy her needs, wants and desires - ultimately I wanted her to be far more sexual.
She isn't and never will be, but tries, which I appreciate, but it doesn't scratch the 'horny' itch.
You want them to 'want' to, and they just don't/won't - at least not to the level that will satisfy you.
I’d say 3/10 was pretty crap !!!! if i knew my partner felt that way I’d be gone - especially if it was over things i had no interest in doing.
You are not wrong to want to do the things you like, not at all and you have every right to a fulfilling sex life. But to give him 3/10???
Have you considered it might be nothing to do with confidence and everything to do with him not wanting to shag you up the arse?
For example it wouldn’t matter how long i am with my partner or how much i hint or talk about it she is never, ever going to swallow.
If it really mattered to me i’d leave rather than try and cajole her into do it.
Sadly I think you are on a hiding to nothing.
@otterhound In all 3 of your replies to my post you’ve focused on anal. Is this some kind of issue for you? It seems odd that that’s the thing you keep mentioning out of the many examples of what I’d like to experiment with.