DH ED - is it me? Him? Us?

(10 Posts)
AHardQuestion Sun 05-Jan-20 20:53:57

Been with DH for 5 years, married for 3.
He is 50, I'm late 40s.

When we were first together DH had problems with ED. I knew he was keen but it just wasn't happening until he saw his GP, was prescribed some Cialis. DH only needed to use it a few times and once we were over that first hurdle everything was working and no more ED.

For most of 2019 I was in considerable pain and had an operation. Understandably my illness curtailed the frequency of our sex life but when it did happen all was still fine with him, no ED.

Now I'm back to normal post-op and the ED is back. I don't understand why. My operation scars are tiny and I haven't gained or lost weight. I'm in good shape and take care of my appearance.

I know what he likes and I do initiate things sometimes but even oral doesn't always work.

He gets there eventually but even then he isn't properly very hard. This is happening about 3 out of every 4 times we have sex.

Has he gone off me? Met someone else? I just don't know. While I was ill I spent a lot of time in bed alone or in hospital while he was still going out to work and life went on. Still, we got through it but we were both suffering in our own way and I think it created a distance between us.

I'm concerned that if I ask him about it outright he will become more anxious and that in turn will make the ED worse. OTOH I'm not sure what else to do, I could just wait and see if it sorts itself out but how long would I leave it for?

Thank you for any advice.

OP’s posts: |
xpc316e Sun 05-Jan-20 22:13:16

I am a 63 year old man who sometimes uses chemical assistance to achieve and maintain decent erections. I have done so for about the past 16 years, so I think that I might be able to offer some sort of advice.

I would bet my last dollar that your husband's ED has nothing whatsoever to do with you, or your body. About half of men over 40 will experience some measure of ED and climbing into bed alongside Miss World would not change things for them.

I was strong enough to be able to discuss the matter with my partner and it is now treated as simply being no big deal. I cannot see things improving of their own accord if left unmentioned. A loving talk about his ED is highly unlikely to make him more anxious than he is at present. There is a huge elephant in the room at the moment and he must feel very nervous when sex is on the cards. Your marriage is under stress from a few directions, or so it seems, and a frank talk must be the first step. You can then go in the direction you think best, perhaps trying your GP first, but without talking about it you are trying to escape from a situation while blindfolded.

Best wishes to you both.

Anotherblokelurking Mon 06-Jan-20 06:45:27

Great reply there. If and when you do get around to discussing the issue, one way to check if the ED issue is mechanical or mental is - does he get nocturnal and morning erections? If it is a mental issue talking about it could actually make it worse, or at least no better, at first but hopefully will lead to taking steps to resolve it, perhaps trying Cialis or viagra again?

fdgdfgdfgdfg Mon 06-Jan-20 11:23:27

Been there, got the t-shirt! As others have said, at his age it could be mechanical. For me, it was mental.

It happens once, for whatever reason, you're tired, coming down with something, work on your mind. And then it's in your head every single time, so it happens again, and again.

Talk to your OH about it, believe me, it can't make things worse. Don't make it about you, because it's not.

One thing that helped for me was her just playing with it with no expectation of sex, sat in bed or in front of the TV (although that gave me a completely different complex about why she kept doing it when jimmy Carr was on screen!)

And still let him do stuff to you. Contrary to popular belief sex for blokes isn't all about the cock. We enjoy the rest of it too. Both getting you off and having other stuff done to us. Run your hands over the rest of his body, play with his balls, but don't try furiously wanking off or sucking on something while it's completely unresponsive.

LoopRoop Mon 06-Jan-20 18:00:05

Is he using porn? That can be a real killer. Does he still get erections in the mornings?

AHardQuestion Mon 06-Jan-20 19:04:34

Thank you xpc316e, your post is both honest and reassuring.

You are right, last year was tough for me physically and emotionally for both of us.
Recently though I've got my mojo back post-op so now the change has become apparent.

I've been maintaining the 'no big deal' approach but I've been starting to wonder...is it a big deal?
At the back of my mind is my school friend who passed away last year of prostate cancer and - whatever the reason for his ED - I would never wish that on my DH.

Anotherblokelurking he gets occasional morning and nocturnal erections but not as frequently as he used to.

No porn LoopRoop, he's only ever been an occasional user so there's no change there.

We do play fdgdf and sometimes that does work. It would be unacceptable to force a blow job on a man, just as it would be unacceptable for a man to touch a woman's genitals when it wasn't wanted. Our sex life is consensual.

You're right though, we do need to talk about it and any suggestions for how to broach the conversation would be welcome.

Additionally, DH hasn't been for a physical check up for a while and aside from ED that would probably be a good idea.

I'm not making it all about me, really not. The opposite is true. I want him to be content and we need to find a way back to that after the stressful year we've recently had.

OP’s posts: |
fdgdfgdfgdfg Tue 07-Jan-20 15:33:48

@AHardQuestion Didn't at all mean to imply that you were doing anything non-consensual! Just meant that my partner would sometimes think that more enthusiasm was they way to go, and it just drew more attention to the fact that nothing was going on down there.

Also didn't mean to suggest you were making it all about you, I worded that badly. Was actually trying to reassure you on this bit of your post "Has he gone off me? Met someone else?".

Essentially there's two options here:

1. Its medical - He needs to see a doctor and get this checked out. Once thats ruled out, then that just leaves...

2. Its psychological - This is a him problem. There is literally nothing you can do to fix this yourself other than help him relax and reassure him that you're still enjoying yourself even without PIV (as long as you are, and if you're not then this is the perfect time for him to get a bit of practise in on the other methods, its not like he's got anything better to do!)

And the reason you can't do anything to fix it is because its not about you. We spend our teen years, our 20s and even our 30s with this thing down our trousers that's on a hair trigger.

We see a pretty girl, it moves.
We talk about sex, it moves.
We scratch an itch on our thigh, it decides its getting some action, it moves.
We walk past a pub where once 20 years ago we thought we might be in with a chance of a snog, it bloody well moves!

And then one day you're in bed with your wife and shes playing with it and its the one point in time where it actually supposed to move, and it does absolutely fuck all.

And its terrifying. And because its terrifying, it does fuck all the next time too, and thats even more terrifying. And thus the vicious cycle begins.

And once you're in that headspace, you could have Miss World having a go at it, and its still not going to bloody move. In fact, that'd likely be worse because unlike your wife, Miss World doesn't know and love you and so is vastly more likely to laugh at you.

Believe me, if this has been going on a little while and he's still having sex with you, then he still loves and fancies you, because this is in his head during every single second of it and he'd probably find it far easier to just "not be in the mood" for a few months.


fdgdfgdfgdfg Tue 07-Jan-20 15:38:33

Blimey, that ended up being a bit long and stream-of-conciousnessy. Hopefully you got the gist, I'm off to try and work out some unresolved issues I apparently still have.

AHardQuestion Thu 09-Jan-20 07:05:58

Thank you fdg, you've explained that really well, I'm very grateful to you for taking time to offer advice.

I've briefly spoken with DH, he has private medical insurance as part of his workplace package and has agreed that in the first instance it would be good to take advantage of a free, thorough annual health check. He's going to start there to rule out any health problems besides, it's a worthwhile thing to do.

Then he'll go from there.

OP’s posts: |
fdgdfgdfgdfg Thu 09-Jan-20 14:11:56

No probs, fingers crossed and hope all works out well for you

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