How important is sexual attraction?

(9 Posts)
MayDayHelp Wed 25-Dec-19 03:19:17

I’ve been with my dp for 2 years. He’s 18 years older than me. I absolutely adore him, he is so kind and does so much for me and my dc (practically not financially). We are fairly affectionate and cuddle quite a lot.

However, our sex life is quite dire. It happens very rarely, and when it does it’s pretty mediocre. He’s not a great kisser. He has health problems and often doesn’t feel well enough for sex. He also has to take viagra due to his age so that rules out any spontaneity.

I do still fancy him, and I love him so much. But I’m in my thirties and our relationship is more like (very happy) companionship rather than a passionate one.

It’s got to the point where if he does try to instigate things I don’t actually want to do it. Everything else is great but we are definitely lacking sexual chemistry and it’s starting to be an issue for me.

Is there any coming back from this? There was one morning recently where he asked for a blow job and I just didn’t want to do it, which worried me as it made me really think about how I’ve lost interest in him sexually. He knew something was up and I tried to explain what I was feeling but I didn’t do a very good job of it. Now we’re in a weird no man’s land where we don’t know if we’re together or not. I feel like if I do stay with him
I’m sacrificing ever having a fulfilling sex life again, but the thought of not being with him is horrible.

OP’s posts: |
j712adrian Wed 25-Dec-19 12:13:50

Viagra and spontaneity: I carry mine in my wallet (it can be a bit embarrasing at the Coop sometimes) and pop one when me and OH are getting close. You have to work at being spontaneous.

j712adrian Wed 25-Dec-19 12:14:24

Hope helps.

Justaordinarybloke Wed 25-Dec-19 17:04:28

The age gap is a major issue. At his age things aren't going to improve. For him by
Your the trophy but he can't keep up with you. Your better of out now before things get worse.

BestManYoullEverMeet Thu 26-Dec-19 19:32:26

Can you not just be with him as a friend ? That sounds like the best option I can think of. As someone else mentioned, I don't think he's going to get better and I don't think your appetite is going to be satisfied any time soon. For what it's worth, I've never asked for a blow job. I've always felt it was something a woman should choose to give you by her own volition.

MayDayHelp Thu 26-Dec-19 22:18:26

I think we will stay friends, he’s being so lovely still even though I’m being really flaky about whether I want to be with him.

The weird thing is, it would break me if he got with someone else, but I don’t think I want to be with him in a relationship sense. I think he’d be upset if I was seeing someone else, so the friendship thing might fall flat on its arse then.

He’s been away for a few days for Christmas and it’s given me a bit of perspective. I don’t think I can carry on but it makes me so sad.

OP’s posts: |
MayDayHelp Thu 26-Dec-19 22:28:44

Also my dd2 adores him as she doesn’t have a dad and he’s really stepped up to that role. She’ll be devastated. It all seems like such a lot of upset for the sake of my fanny!

OP’s posts: |

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Livandme Fri 27-Dec-19 05:18:04

There sounds like no reason why you can't be friends. Sounds very much what you are now anyway.
You might feel more confident alone

MarieG10 Fri 27-Dec-19 06:44:18

@MayDayHelp. It isn't just about your "fanny" (made me lol that). It is about how intimacy is part of your relationship and the feeling of closeness it gives you. Sex, and adventurous sex when you know each other makes you feel wanted both ways and is an important part of your relationship. Without it you are more friends and it sounds like you are moving over the dividing line.

Perhaps as others suggested that you finish now and be friends if possible as it is highly unlikely to get any better

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