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Am I overreacting?(9 Posts)
I need some opinions on this please as I am unable to talk to anyone about this IRL.
My partner has continued to visit live cam porn sites over the course of our long term relationship(2 young children) . I have repeatedly asked him not to and tried to explain how much it hurts me, he promises not too and then he does again. I invade his privacy by looking through his phone, but I know that I will usually find some trace of it.
I sometimes convince myself that it doesn't matter, that it's just a quick wank and if it means nothing to him then it should mean nothing to me too. But in reality it hurts that he just can't seem to respect my opinion and stop. I have never tried to completely stop him from watching porn as I know that he is just a person, I can't police everything he does and I'm not going to fulfill his every need.
I think he likes the thrill of the live element. He has denied ever paying for it, and he is generally pretty tight with money so I do believe that. Though I'm at the stage that I don't think it makes a huge difference.
A part of me hates him for this, and it's turned me into a jealous, paranoid person.
I'm m hugely insecure about my body, and it really bothers me that he is viewing such perfect women...not porn star fake perfect, but pre children, pre breastfeeding, pre vaginal birth vaginas. Maybe I'm taking it to heart too much, because of how I feel about myself?
I know I give this way too much thought than it is worth, and I think I would leave him if I wasn't then disrupting the lives of our children.
He's very supportive in most other areas, and I do trust that he wouldn't physically cheat.. but this always brings me down in the end.
I'd like to know if anyone would leave in this situation or if I am just an overreacting jealous mad woman.
Thank you if you've made it to the end of this very long and dull post, I can't believe that I am really posting this it seems utterly pathetic.
If you ask me it actually doesn't matter what your partners behaviour is, that fact it upset you this much and he continues to do it means that he is no respect for how you feel. You need to sit down and explain to him that you cannot continue you this way and if he disrespects again you walking and stick to your guns.
It doesn't matter what he is doing. If he is doing something repeatedly that is upsetting you, he should stop.
I agree with you both, and I do feel that for the disrespect that I've been shown I should leave.
Buy do you think it is wrong for me to put boundaries on what he watches in his own time. Is it controlling behaviour on my part?
I'm afraid that it's become normal in my generation, and that I may be the one with the problem.
There is being controlling and then having boundaries in a relationship that are stuck to, usually without having to be discussed.
Yes, I've felt a line has been crossed in my marriage a couple of times and I have said so. I wasn't controlling in any way and never will be. I just put my point over. The hope is that lines aren't still being crossed. If they are, that's where disappointment and a slightly "stronger" conversation comes in.
Watching porn isn't something terrible, really. I'm not in a bad shape now, our love life is - luckily - incredible, and my partner would still watch porn sometimes. Sometimes we would watch it together, we just find it sexy.
Focus on what can make you feel happy with yourself. What would make you feel sexier, more attractive? If it's more about the body image, what can you do to change it? If you can't go to the gym, there are apps and youtube videos with very quick and effective routines. If it's about your vaginal muscles, try Kegel exercises, eggs, Elvie trainer etc. A big game changer is learning various hand job and blowjob techniques none of the porn stars will ever know about. Men love women of different shapes when women love themselves. Why not to stop thinking about your insecurities and start loving yourself more?
I’m not sure about this one actually. I don’t think you can say across the board “Im upset by this and he should therefore stop” because it presumes that you are reasonable to be upset in the first place. What if you were upset by him placing a bet, having a drink, watching sport? Someone I know told me he’d been on a sex cam site so I went to have a look to see what the fuss is. I hadn’t realised you could watch without paying.... I sort of assumed you’d have to create an account or pay but you don’t. I had a look across the different boards women, men and couples. I didn’t see anything too exciting going on to be honest and there were some very ordinary looking people. So not all great beauties with perfect bodies by any means. So I’m not sure I think of it much differently to porn. I’m not saying it’s great that he’s going on there but I also don’t think you can police him. You obviously don’t have to stay if it’s something that you find really upsetting which you obviously do. I think I’d look at the relationship as a whole rather than focusing purely on this issue. I think it’s sad incidentally that you feel so bad about your own body... what unrealistic standards of beauty are we all aspiring to? I think the expectations on women to look a certain way are pretty relentless but I don’t think so much of your self esteem should be tied up with that... it’s such a shame.
If it was something "silly" like the way he folds his socks then you would be unreasonable. However, porn usage is something that, whilst many people are OK with it, plenty of others are not. So, start with the fact that, whilst some may disagree with you, you are not being ridiculous in having this particular red line.
Then move on to the fact that you have expressed to him how it makes you feel and yet he continues to do it. This is compounded with the dishonesty. If he was at least honest and said that he disagreed with you and intended to continue then at least you could continue the dialog openly honestly and either come to a compromise or allow you to decide if this was a relationship-breaker for you. His deceit and lying is just making things much worse because you are in a cycle of doubting your instincts and your trust in him is being steadily eroded. So he is the one that is being unreasonable in his handling of this, not you.
@BohemianDream is it just the live element you don’t like him viewing or all porn in general?
Ultimately if your boundary is you don’t like him watching live porn but don’t mind pre-recorded I think that’s a fair request. I think you need to reiterate the boundaries and explain how it makes you feel to him. If you’re honest about how it makes you feel he would be a complete asshole to ignore you and continue.