Struggling with sex in relationship

[FrustratedNameChange]

Hi all, NC for this incase hubbs happens upon it.

I’ve posted my issue to the relationship board and got some good advice but I’m still struggling.

Some background: we’ve been together for 15 years (we’re both mid thirties) and have one preschool aged DC.

Our sex life had always been good. At least once a week, sometimes more often. Always felt we both wanted it. Always satisfying.
When I was pregnant my sex drive ramped up and he didn’t want to have sex with me at all really. No sex from about month 4. I struggled but found ways to keep myself satisfied iyswim.
After DC was born things seemed to get back to normalish in a reasonable amount of time.

It’s just been the past 18ish months or so. It started with a change in attitude. It felt to me like I was a barely tolerated roommate. He was cranky a lot. But our sex life was still fine. We discussed this and gradually thing got better. We both worked on things. But now our sex life and intimacy seems to be affected instead. Like we’re friends again but not much more.

He’s less affectionate with me. Rarely wants a cuddle or even a kiss. Sometimes when he’s leaving for work I only get a kiss on the cheek or the head.
We have sex about once a month, I am almost always the one to initiate it and even when he does it almost feels like it’s because he has to. Anything more than that and I’m turned down. I’ve tried making it more interesting for him and dressing up but even then he didn’t seem too impressed.

I’ve tried talking to him about it and from what I understand he finds me needy when I want affection and he finds me cloying when I want a cuddle. He’s told me I’m bad at reading signs (because I tried to initiate sex while he was watching tv/on his phone and he might have been busy).
What it comes down to to me is that he is just making excuses for the fact he doesn’t want to have sex with me.

When it does happen he seems disengaged. There’s never any excitement or passion anymore. No foreplay, just sex. Usually one position- me on top.

When I try talking to him about it he gets defensive and has even said he thinks our sex life is fine considering how long we’ve been together (!!).

I know others have been in similar situations and I was hoping for advice. Is it a case of bringing a spark back? Does he just not fancy me anymore? I don’t think I’m that bad tbh.
I’ve even considered that he might be gay or asexual and just struggling with his sexuality.
I think although an affair would be unlikely it wouldn’t be impossible.

I love him a lot but it’s at the point now where my eye is wandering and I don’t want to be that person. My self esteem is affected and I’m getting little joy out of our relationship because I’m so sexually frustrated.
Obviously I see to myself often but it isn’t the same as having someone who really wants you.

I just want a good, passionate shagging 😩

Help

[Christian77]

He sounds bored, natural after a while.

This is the eternal problem.

And you can’t get that spark back, not really, so it’s pointless even trying.

A FWB in a similar position would, if you’re lucky, give you the physical, passionate sex you desire.

[FrustratedNameChange]

Thanks Christian77,
Not what I wanted to hear but helpful nonetheless.

I really want to avoid FWB obviously.

The thing is if he’s bored then has he just lost interest altogether or if he getting relief elsewhere? Surely you’d still have some drive and passion and I’d imagine you’d just have to put your energy elsewhere?

[AloneLonelyLoner]

I doubt he's getting his fun anywhere else. He's just lost interest. I think it happens to most people. I've lost all interest in my husband and I can't imagine getting it back. I don't think there's anything he could do to change that. I wish I were more help, but I honestly think you need to consider your options. At the very least you need to tell him that you've had enough. Give him the chance to try to ignite his flame or to be honest with you that he can't.

[FrustratedNameChange]

God, how depressing. I kind of thought/hoped there was something I could do to get back to normal.

So is it likely to be me or sex in general that he’s lost interest in?

[Tinkerbellx]

This could be related to so many things .
How about a really nice night out with no dc , some good food and a bottle of vino ? It might create a more relaxed environment for conversation .
It could be depression / a problem at work / an addiction he's ashamed to share , money worries or a relationship issue of some sort outside of the partnership .

Sometimes what's closest to home is not at all obvious or visible to us .
If he's knows your supportive and he can talk to you your more likely to work through this and get to he root of things .
Is he on his phone a lot and is it open and left out in a trusting way?
Unfortunately it's too easy nowadays to access and become addicted to porn esp when stresssd.

Would he go to counselling together ?
I think your being very patient and really hope things get better x

[FrustratedNameChange]

Thanks Tinkerbell,
He is on his phone a lot but I can see what he’s doing and he’s not secretive. Though saying that he is often up later than I am.

We’ve been out together recently. I find it difficult to start a conversation about it when we’re out and chilled because we do rarely get to go out it would be a shame to ruin it. Because it would ruin it. We have never discussed this issue without it descending into chaos. I get upset and he gets angry. We never get to the bottom of it.
But how do you bring up with someone the issue that they aren’t satisfying you and being passionate in the bedroom without it sounding offensive?

[AloneLonelyLoner]

For the first couple of years of our marriage it was like that. I couldn't bring it up without him getting stressed and calling my a nympho or other things because he thought I was desperate. And honestly he was right, I was desperate. He drove me to despair with no affection or love so in the end I turned to other men. I'm not excusing it, but I just needed to feel wanted physically. I'm human and my needs were important too. You're a long time dead.

Sorry I'm not much help. It's just you're not alone. I think a lot of us have been there.

[SkinnyPete]

Males losing libido, typically one of the following

• Low T (how old is DH?)
• Medical problems (depression/anxiety/cardiovascular)
• Medication
• Loss of attraction (don't want to be rude, but how are you looking? Weight/clothes/appearance/attitude)
• Getting it elsewhere (hope not, any suspicious behaviour?)

Sorry your going through this. I think the PPs have been a bit black and white about how futile your situation is.

[FrustratedNameChange]

@AloneLonelyLoner sounds a lot like my current situation. Did you ever get to the root of it? Did it get better or did you separate?
@skinnypete he’s mid thirties, no medication or known health conditions. He hasn’t been acting suspicious just withdrawn.
I think I’m ok ish. I haven’t had any extreme weight gain/loss or style changes. I make an effort but he never comments on my looks- doesn’t tell him I look nice or anything.

[Milliy]

Affair?

[Lennon80]

I bet it’s porn - so many of them get addicted to it and no longer want sex.

[AloneLonelyLoner]

@Lennon80 I think you're onto something there. My husband just watched a shit tonne of porn. I hadn't changed. We'd known each other a (comparatively) short time. It stole from our relationship.

OP we are still together but in the process of splitting up (20 or so years on). No sex. It's been long and both good and bad but I want my life to be different. I'm unhappy and even if he wanted me physically all the damn time (which he now claims he does!!!) I am not interested. I wouldn't even want to as a passive participant, which is saying something.

[Lennon80]

Porn ruins relationships - I’d recommend reading Portland by Gail Dines.

[Lennon80]

Pornland

[Jupiter13]

Three times a day is perfect.

[Arnoldthecat]

Boredom and depression/MH issues,, Dont approach him or initiate,,go about your life,occasionally be as little teasy,,wear hold ups,,let him come to you..

[Rieslinger]

Hi FNC just come across your post and hope I'm not too late in replying.

There will always be some mis-match in any relationship passion wise, you after all different people.

Clearly we don't know the ins and outs and how you guys function both as individuals and as a couple but from my perspective there is always something you can do.

It sounds like the physical is a hot potato and you have clearly put lots of effort from your side something started when your DC came along which changed things for him. As a guy when my wife wants to listen to me about my feelings and what's going on with me (reagarless of how silly something is or seems) and really empathises it helps. Have you read anything about Love Languages? If you can work out yours and his it might help find a bridge that gives you guys a stepping stone?

Good luck and he is clearly a very lucky guy but because of where his head is at he maybe doesn't see it yet.

R