He won’t finish inside

(49 Posts)
LMou Sat 22-Jun-19 07:53:59

I’m sorry if this is TMI but I’m at the end of my tether.

My DP will not finish inside me. I hate that he won’t. I’ve asked him to do it and rarely he does. Last night I asked him as he was about to finish and he said no.

I get that I can’t force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do but for me it takes away most of my feeling of being connected to him.

He always wants to finish in my mouth, so I can never relax into it, as I know I’m going to have to hurriedly change positions at the end.

When I try to talk to him about it, he tells me that he is ‘visual’ and likes to see it. Fine but my preferences are always totally ignored.

I am on a very reliable form of contraception and he says it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I got pregnant so I don’t know what the problem is with just occasionally indulging my preference for what I view as a more romantic ending.

Am I dealing with a lost cause here? Does anyone have any tips for how to approach this with him again?

Thanks for reading.

OP’s posts: |
dementedpixie Sat 22-Jun-19 07:57:30

Oh God, I'd hate dh to finish in my mouth all the time (or even some of the time tbh). What does he say if you refuse?

LMou Sat 22-Jun-19 08:03:53

I only refused for the first time yesterday. I think I might just start refusing every single time and see if he gets the point.

I asked him why his wants trumped mine and he actually said why do mine trump his?

When I pointed out that I have always allowed him to finish where he wants he didn’t have an answer.

OP’s posts: |
velocitygirl7 Sat 22-Jun-19 08:55:51

He sounds awful! Please please keep saying no, you have every right to op.

Namechangedyorkshire Sat 22-Jun-19 10:16:02

@LMou

You are not unreasonable. He is. It is about what you both want so tell him you need variety. Say you like him coming in your mouth but that you also love feeling him come inside you. Perhaps flower it up about how good he makes you feel spurting in you?

My DH loved me telling him things like that, especially if I was going off to work after lol. Used to text me asking how I was feeling which usually made for a good session when got home, although not so easy once kids came along.

Just be firm about it

LMou Sat 22-Jun-19 10:21:17

@Namechangedyorkshire - good advice thanks.

I actually am not a great fan of him finishing in my mouth. I just do it because he likes it so much. He has interpreted this as me loving it. I’ve been doing it for so long now that it would be a bit much if I told him the truth I think.

I feel like I’m asking him to do something unreasonable when actually it’s traditionally the ‘normal’ way of ending things.

OP’s posts: |
nexttimeclock Sat 22-Jun-19 11:16:13

He's obviously a very naïve young man who has got all his sex ed from pronhub, also I guess he's had very limited sexual partners, despite what he says.

You have to say to him, what you want to change about this and be firm about it.

It's also about control, he want to control the way you (the person not the couple) have sex, which is an intimate interpersonal thing. In a serious relationship it's about understanding what each other wants.

This is also quite a modern phenomena, driven mostly in the last 10 years by freely accessible porn.

Also for him there is the entire act of pulling out and having to finish off which is an entirely different set of sensations for a man, again my guess is that he's never actually experienced what it is to have sex in the "regular" fashion he'll probably be surprised at how enjoyable it is than to go through the rushed palaver of pulling out, you flipping around etc etc.

As Namechangedyorkshire says it's (very) not unreasonable for you to ask him to do something different. And it will be extremely unreasonable if he refuses to do something different.

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LMou Sat 22-Jun-19 11:38:09

@nexttimeclock he is actually in his mid-40s.

Thanks for your advice.

OP’s posts: |
PatriciaHolm Sat 22-Jun-19 11:39:40

Your wants trump his because he wants to do something sexual to you that you don't like or want. So he doesn't get to do it.

He sounds deeply unpleasant OP. If he actually cared for you this wouldn't be an issue.

StarGOLD Sat 22-Jun-19 14:29:18

A good BJ is my trump card, I control it from start through to finish. It’s really sexy knowing you have a mesmerising hold over your partner. A BJ is a standalone act in our house. What if you switched the oral side of his enjoyment to a BJ, he can watch same as before but you hold the cards. I don’t like the sound of what he does, it seems oddly vile. A bit porn-y..Sorry. I understand what you mean by a lack of closeness and connection though..I’d feel it too....It shouldn’t be who’s needs trump who’s..it’s supposed to be a shared experience.

LMou Sat 22-Jun-19 16:05:45

@StarGOLD thanks. He does get a lot of oral from me. He enjoys it a lot and sometimes I struggle to persuade him to have full sex.

OP’s posts: |
nexttimeclock Sat 22-Jun-19 20:56:59

So does he do the same, finish in you mouth, when you're doing anal? Because that could lead to some very serious infections

LMou Sat 22-Jun-19 21:20:16

@nexttimeclock no, I’m absolutely aware of the risks re anal. I made it clear that once his penis has been in my back door it is absolutely coming nowhere near my mouth. 🤮 We rarely do anal. Thanks though. smile

I think if I left it to him, he would just receive BJs for the rest of his life.

OP’s posts: |
MazDazzle Sun 23-Jun-19 00:34:36

I just do it because he likes it so much.

This is very sad. You deserve better! Why are you giving him what he wants, when he seems so reluctant to do anything to please you?

HarmlessChap Sun 23-Jun-19 00:48:55

Too much porn! The camera catches "the money shot" and gives an unrealistic portrayal of what should be a mutually fulfilling act.

Finishing inside is usually the most pleasurable unless the mind has been conditioned to think otherwise.

There may also be control and dominance/humiliation issues at play too.

daisyboocantoo Sun 23-Jun-19 01:48:50

Ugh. No. Every now and again, fine. But that isn't a spectacular finish at all.

StarlightLady Sun 23-Jun-19 07:31:59

This is so one sided with lack of attention to what you want. And I ssy this as someone who is comfortable to swallow.

Your needs are important, it’s time for that serious discussion and maybe walk away.

nexttimeclock Sun 23-Jun-19 09:10:37

I'll agree with StarlightLady, the fact that he can't see the signs of discomfort when he misses and gets it in your eye, or the cough when it hits the back of your throat, is a bit telling about his awareness of the situation. Also he won't get to see that in porn, because it's cut away during editing.

Your original question was "Am I dealing with a lost cause?", The simple answer is yes, his lack of empathy about you, irrespective of whether you said something or not, is quite telling and I betcha you see this in other aspects of your relationship.

Overall you've described a bloke who is self indulgent and entitled, he's quite obviously got his view of how sex works from pornhub and quite easily feels entitled to get what he sees, without realising this it is acting for a camera.

I'll go back to my original point that even at 40+ he has obviously had very few meaningful relationships, ones where the other person can freely express their feelings without fear of repercussions. Love, he's not the only fish in the sea and there are bigger better catches out their. Prior to him did you enjoy swallowing a blokes load often? or is this something he's introduced? Next time snowball him to see what his reaction is.

It also sounds like when you have expressed what you would like he has a manchild sulk, with his opinion being much more important and you not getting even a middle ground of understanding. There is also an issue that this can have with your self esteem, many entitled men use sex as a way of saying "if you don't do what I want, your not good enough for me" or worse "you'd do it if you loved meeeeee" with no understanding that it is actually the other way around, you are better than him because you have the ability to do something over your your own feelings about it. But then you get to a point when you ask yourself "why am I doing this? What am I getting from it?" (sounds to me like a mouthful of spunk and not much else).

If I was you, I'd chalk it up to an experience and will give you a better understanding of what you expect and want in your next relationship.

LMou Sun 23-Jun-19 09:33:53

@nexttimeclock yes he often says that if he wasn’t getting regular sex and bjs he would end a relationship. I have translated this as you say - I’m not good enough for him if I don’t ‘perform’ regularly.

On the other hand, he hasn’t made me orgasm for over a month. He seems to enjoy making me feel insecure by some of the other things he says.

I just feel tired of it all. I don’t think I even like him any more.

Thanks for your advice everyone.

OP’s posts: |
disneyspendingmoney Sun 23-Jun-19 09:42:19

@LMou do you live together? If not just find reasons no to go to his and don't invite him around, tell him that you've got a throat infection with a bruised epiglottis and the doctor has advised no BJ's for six months and let it fizzle out.

Your not doing your self esteem any good putting up with this

LMou Sun 23-Jun-19 09:45:27

@disneyspendingmoney (great name btw) happily we don’t live together.

OP’s posts: |
Arnoldthecat Sun 23-Jun-19 11:00:15

i may have missed it but how long have you been together and when did this practice start or has it always been this way..?

dogfishman Sun 23-Jun-19 11:03:39

He sounds like a selfish prick. Literally

LMou Sun 23-Jun-19 11:34:18

@Arnoldthecat we have been together for a couple of years. He has always been like this but he is getting worse and I’m becoming increasingly bothered by his behaviour.

OP’s posts: |
disneyspendingmoney Sun 23-Jun-19 12:23:05

You've got no obligations to him, you don't live together, it's been getting worse, and you are bothered. The only thing left is to work out when you want to extricate yourself and find someone better to chillax with.

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