What happened?

(22 Posts)
Sunshineandeggshells Wed 29-May-19 17:17:18

Please help me get my head around something that happened with DP. Should probably be on the Relationship board but he reads that so.....

I don't like anal. We have briefly ventured there before but it's not for me. He said he wasn't bothered really either.

A few weeks ago we were mid sex, I was on my hands and knees and I suddenly felt him enter there. I sort of gasped and said, "no that's the wrong one" he resumed normal proceedings (probably not a great idea in itself re UTI) A few moments later he was back in the "wrong hole."

I said something along the lines of " No, I, um it hurts"
He said "I just , wait I neeed to...." Then I heard him spit in his hand and rub it on me as his pushed further in.

It really hurt! And I said. " No really it hurts!

Then he stopped.

I went to the bathroom and cried. I tore a little. Hurt for about 5 days.

Next morning he said he felt mortified and that he was drunk and didn't know what he was doing. Now he says I didn't say no enough and that he isn't culpable.

Thoughts?

OP’s posts: |
CursedDiamond Wed 29-May-19 17:47:49

Really not ok. Especially seen as he is now trying to blame you. Mortified and apologetic is one thing (if still not ok - you didn't consent and he still pushed it...it's not ok) but trying to say you should have said no more loudly? Fuck the fuck off.

Christian77 Wed 29-May-19 17:52:49

I think he’s using the drunk line to excuse his appalling behaviour.

It’s dead easy to slip in by mistake and, contrary to what women think, we sometimes don’t feel much difference.

However, on being told and still pushing ahead.....not good.

Sounds like he tried a porn move on you.

Tell him you’ve always fancied pegging and ram him hard!!

Sunshineandeggshells Wed 29-May-19 19:50:49

Thanks for the replies. We have other issues at the moment too. I can't get my head around the "not saying no loud enough" and how he feels it was just a misunderstanding. I have been raped in the past so one on hand perhaps I am more "sensitive" to boundaries being pushed but on the other hand he admitted guilt but has retracted it so I am left feeling.....fucking confused.

He also said initially he was trying to cum more quickly as he knows I don't like long sex sessions (tied to rape I think, as it becomes painful) and that it was tighter than my vagina, due to babies, and that he wouldn't have needed a condom, which slows things down for him..... so again for my benefit....

Feel a bit lost as he genuinely is a nice bloke.

OP’s posts: |
PeoniesarePink Wed 29-May-19 21:37:23

Feel a bit lost as he genuinely is a nice bloke

He's really not. He completely disregarded your feelings and did what HE wanted.

Christian77 Wed 29-May-19 22:29:49

I think he’s a selfish, manipulative, disrespectful scumbag, and that you need to wake up to this reality.

We can all get carried away in the heat of the moment, but when told we’re causing pain, and yet still carry on to damage our partners, both physically and emotionally, we are no better than street rapists.

Think long and hard about your future with this creep.

Unhomme Thu 30-May-19 00:05:52

It’s dead easy to slip in by mistake and, contrary to what women think, we sometimes don’t feel much difference.

Not in my experience at all. It's easy to point it the wrong way but not penetrate, surely?

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Feelingwalkedover Thu 30-May-19 06:59:21

Nasty selfish man
Cares only for himself

CursedDiamond Thu 30-May-19 10:07:46

Sorry...the fact that you have experienced rape and sexual assault in the past actually makes this worse, I think. You may well be 'more sensitive' to it (though I don't think you are overreacting in this instance), but he should also be hyper-alive to the fact that consent and trust is going to be really important to you. At the VERY least he needs to continue to be mortified at his behaviour and what he seems to be capable of when he's had a few. He should be taking a long, hard look at himself, not blaming you.

StarlightLady Thu 30-May-19 10:39:55

I have hesitated before responding to this one. This is awful. Nothing here was for your benefit. You did not consent.

No means no. The important thing with sex is consent. Clearly you have a lot of talking to do and it’s important that, if you are to have a future, that he listens and makes you a promise never to be broken.

Aside from his absolutely horrendous behaviour, it also sounds that he has been overly and incorrectly influenced by porn. Porn is not real. Saliva is never going to provide adequate lube for anal. Anal requires communication, total trust and respect; there is none of this here. But that is by the by.

Take care OP, you deserve so much better. x

NameChangeNugget Thu 30-May-19 15:31:57

Disgusting behaviour on his part.

I would lose all trust if that happened to me.

TooTrueToBeGood Sat 01-Jun-19 08:06:34

It’s dead easy to slip in by mistake

Really? I have had several partners and have been consistently sexually active for 36 years. I have never slipped in by mistake.

OP, this wasn't a mistake and the fact he tried several times and persisted even when told removes any and all doubt. I'm very sorry but he raped you. Not nice to get your head around but nonconsenual intercourse is rape. That includes acts you have not agreed to even if you have consented to others and regardless of the relationship. What you do about it is your choice. You might benefit from talking to someone you trust IRL or speak to the likes of rape crisis. Be kind to yourself but please don't minimise this. He has proven you are not safe with him so consider very carefully whether you wish to continue to put yourself at further risk.

Stuckandsad Sat 01-Jun-19 21:23:11

He assaulted you, twice sad I'm so sorry OP. I think I would find it very hard to be with this man intimately ever again.

FoxSake Sun 02-Jun-19 09:56:24

How horrible for you OP. I think you know the answer or you wouldn’t be asking and his you didn’t say no loud enough makes it worse i’m afraid. These things can sometimes take a long time to process as we don’t want to believe the people we love can hurt us but don’t pack it away, deal with it now or it will come up again later in the relationship.

Sunshineandeggshells Sun 02-Jun-19 10:11:31

Thanks for the replies.

We have been together for 20 years. Married 10. I don't know what to do with it all. We talked and he says there was no malicious intent so....
He is struggling at the moment so I feel like I need to sort of put my own feelings aside for the moment (in many ways). It's hard to explain and probably better suited on the relationship board.

OP’s posts: |
Bouldghirl Sun 02-Jun-19 14:38:58

I’m sure from your posts that things are much more complicated but just relating to your earlier post I cannot conceive how he can be described as a “genuinely nice bloke”. Someone who does this is not nice. He is a manipulative scumbag. OK maybe harsh but to me it’s accurate. I think there is much more to this situation than has come out so far so I’ll leave it at that.

TemporaryPermanent Sun 02-Jun-19 14:45:15

Jesus Christ.

I can't believe how much shit he has poured onto your head to distract you from what has happened.

I am absolutely not the sort of poster who leaps on to some action of a man and imputes that he's terrible and LTB.

However, his reaction is APPALLING. I don't believe for a second he anally penetrated you accidentally, or that 'you didn't say no enough' [JESUS CHRIST] or that your vagina isn't tight enough 'due to babies' [MINDFUCK] or that he can't cope with condoms, or that he was so drunk he couldn't help himself [try that in a court of law, buster].

He wanted to put his penis in your anus, so he did. End of story.

Can I suggest that he goes away for a while? If you didn't have kids I would suggest you just going somewhere you feel safe and that's still an option, but just ask him to give you some space. His intent, his mental state, his oh so good reasons for stuff - irrelevant. I'm not saying LTB, just take a break.

Then find a therapist and talk about it, if you can bear to. Ideally he needs to be part of that process.

Can I just say that you've done nothing wrong? Nothing? I simply can't deal with the idea he's told you that you didn't say no enough. He didn't ask and he didn't listen. Him.

TemporaryPermanent Sun 02-Jun-19 14:46:19

I did not pur bottles of gin on my post and I've no idea why my swearing in capitals has come out like that. Apologies.

Sunshineandeggshells Sun 02-Jun-19 16:04:06

Can't see any gin bottles though I could probably do with some!

I am already in therapy (and am a therapist!) so can use that space to reflect. Tis such a fuck up!

OP’s posts: |
OhWhatAPalaver Sun 02-Jun-19 17:16:38

Sounds similar to something my ex did. He would make excuses all the time but the fact is that I said no and he didn't listen or pressured me in to things using emotional abuse. He is my ex for this and other reasons but the sex issues were a huge problem. Please get rid, it will happen again. It doesn't matter how loud you say no, if he heard you he should have stopped immediately but tbh he really should not have gone there in the first place. I really hope you can ask him to leave, even if you say it's temporary initially, you can decide to make it permanent at any time.

FoxSake Mon 03-Jun-19 19:33:44

TemporaryPermanant hits the nail on the head. So many mind fucks and things to make you question what happened, intent, blame etc and he has you prioritising his mental health, he’s clever too. Definitely take some breathing space and think about if he manipulates you in other ways.

Yeahsurewhatever Sun 30-Jun-19 00:02:41

Ew. Especially Ew if he knows your history. What was he thinking. Well he was obviously just thinking about himself. That at best is selfish and disrespectful, at worst is it abuse and assault.
Why he feels like you can shoulder some of the blame I don't know.
Can you trust him now? Can you be vulnerable with him and have a fulfilling sex life? I personally, need to know if I say no, or ow or feel unsafe, or even just seem unenthusiastic, dh is going to stop straight away.

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