Satisfying someone much more experienced

(15 Posts)
Erina1 Sat 18-May-19 06:35:09

So I have had limited experience sexually as few partners with vanilla sex which hasn't been too satisfying. I recently met someone who is extremely experienced, threesomes, kinky sex, many partners who he has remained good friends with and who only have great things to say about him physically. We are yet to have sex but pretty much everything but sex. He keeps reiterating that he loves everything that we have done but I just find it hard to understand how he can when he has had so much experience before me. I should add he wants a relationship with me. Anyway, my question, what can I do that is a turn on when someone has done it all?

OP’s posts: |
Milliy Sat 18-May-19 10:39:44

Just be yourself. There is something about you that he is drawn to so don't try too hard. Maybe it is your lack of experience that does it for him .

tonglong Sat 18-May-19 11:47:04

Be yourself

Don't worry about anything, don't clutter your brain by worrying what he thinks or anyone else might think.

Free yourself and Just go with it, let your wildest fantasies come true. Let your self go and go for it.

You enjoying yourself been turned on is the turn on.

As you both explore things you like talk about it, say what you like and want. Don't be afraid to try something new.

disneyspendingmoney Sun 19-May-19 10:08:17

Believe me there is no such thing as "experienced". Many previous partners means little in the here and now of two people experiencing each other. Empathy and consideration are the main things for a good sexual experience as well as an understanding of intimacy and the ability to listen and communicate honestly.

Someone who feels the need to outline their volume of sexual activities often isn't experienced in the understanding of people and that's the critical thing for good sex. I have no need to tell a partner about previous partners as that's a private and personal experience between me and them and us not my right to tell someone else about what happened.

What you are doing is questioning your own self esteem and letting yourself feel that your not "good" enough, because if the urban myth of "experience".

If he says he's enjoyed what youve done, do, doing, take it for the compliment it is. You know your stuff and you've proved it. Never mind the quantity, feel the quality

Erina1 Mon 20-May-19 06:08:13

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your advice. We did end up having sex in the end. Some parts were great, some were a bit painful as I haven't had PIV sex in about 2 years and I was tensed a bit. He was all guns blazing in bed with different positions but was gentle. We talked about it later as I was worried about the pain aspect but he said he just wanted to impress me and give me a great experience as he really likes me. I'm still worried about mismatched experiences and also panicking about the painful portion. However thinking about it, I've felt that before too in other relationships.

OP’s posts: |
EmptyOrchestra Mon 20-May-19 13:36:10

For me personally, “many partners” is not a positive - the best men I’ve encountered in bed are those who have been in long term relationships and really genuinely care about my enjoyment (there aren’t many of them).

These two things means learning over time what it is to be a good sexual partner to one person, and also that they understand that your idea of a good partner isn’t the same as someone else’s so they have to listen to you, work with you and figure it out. They won’t feel offended if you make suggestions, ask for something specific, ask them to stop if something isn’t working, etc.

No man is a good sexual partner to huge numbers of women after a few encounters - the sad fact is that so many women have a very low bar for what makes a man good in bed.

A couple of things:
1) Just because you like him, you don’t have to like or even try the things he’s done in the past if you don’t want to. Don’t feel any pressure in that regard, just as he shouldn’t feel pressure to try anything you like and he doesn’t.

2) Do you feel confident in what you like and your own sexuality? Do you feel comfortable expressing these things? When I was younger I thought I knew what I liked, but I realised most of that was learned accidentally from what partners did to me and I just went along with whatever they wanted as I didn’t feel confident in speaking up or completely letting go. Things like the book Come As You Are and OMGYes (google it) completely changed the way I felt about my sexuality. I wish I’d had access to both years ago (and I definitely wish my partners had too!)

2) I’m sorry it was painful. I have endometriosis and sex was painful every time I had it until I was with my DH. He’s the only person who’s ever spent serious amounts of time before sex to make sure I’m satisfied and that it won’t be painful. This may be because he’s well endowed and used to this problem.

Also using lubricant, which I never used before as I didn’t think I needed it, but it makes so much difference. Even after a few years of no sex, it’s not painful (okay, some positions are as we have a size discrepancy! But I just say so, and we do something else).

So it definitely doesn’t need to be painful if he’s doing it right, and he should be making sure that it’s not and stopping if it is.

I suspect he may not be the super-lover he’s built himself up to be - I mean, who says that about themselves anyway?!

EmptyOrchestra Mon 20-May-19 13:40:21

Also, a word of warning - there are some arseholes out there who like to tell new partners about how amazing their past sexual history has been to make them nervous and more likely to go along with whatever it is they want. The only men I’ve been with who’ve gone on about how good they are in bed have been absolutely shit, really they just wanted me to know how much anal sex (and other things) they’ve done so that I feel compelled to do it too in order to keep them. Bleugh.

Just be careful flowers


ffs74 Mon 20-May-19 13:59:14

I totally agree with the previous poster. Men who boast about their past sex life are generally terrible in bed!! It's also crass and unnecessary.
My dh was a bag of nerves initially, desperate to please me (this should be what you expect op!) and although he'd slept with other women he never spoke about them unless I asked! 10 years on he still does it for me, don't put up with anything less op.

Erina1 Mon 20-May-19 15:12:47

@EmptyOrchestra thanks for all that! Really helpful. No definitely this bloke wasn't boasting, just being open but he said freely that was fun but ultimately unsatisfying. He has been really patient with me and happy to try anything and everything I want. I guess I don't really know very much at all. We did talk and he said he is desperate to make me want to see him again etc so feels a bit of pressure to make it all super perfect for me whereas I'm clueless.

OP’s posts: |
Erina1 Mon 20-May-19 15:14:30

@EmptyOrchestra I'll be honest, I do tend to switch off in bed because I'm very scared of intimacy.

OP’s posts: |
EmptyOrchestra Mon 20-May-19 15:18:18

I’m really not trying to be a cynic here (!) but yep, that’s exactly the line I got too! I’m not saying he’s full of it, just that it’s a good idea to keep your guard up a bit just in case.

Erina1 Tue 21-May-19 07:19:58

@EmptyOrchestra totally hear you here, the thing is he wants a relationship whereas I don't as there are many factors which mean I know it wouldn't work. But I've never been in a situation where someone lusts after me so much as well as has become a friend and is very patient with me, so the selfish me wants to experience and learn as much as possible about sex.

OP’s posts: |
EmptyOrchestra Tue 21-May-19 08:53:53

That’s great - have fun, be safe, just take every single thing he says with a vat of salt. You don’t have to be intimidated by his experience, just don’t get sucked in by his high opinion of his own prowess ;)

Milliy Tue 21-May-19 09:40:23

Erina1 also be aware he may be lusting after you because he can't have you. You don't want a relationship and he does but maybe that's because he can't have you. Strong motivation for him to chase you there.

Erina1 Tue 28-May-19 07:33:17

Hello peeps, so still continuing to have sex, much less painful than initially. He is keen on lots of positions but I seem to be more ok with missionary, doggy style and also my legs over his shoulders and im anxious its boring for him. I'm still feeling conscious that I'm not satisfying him. He has depression so struggles to come. I just have always struggled to come with PIV alone.

OP’s posts: |

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in