Oral sex at 12 - did I overreact?

(26 Posts)
CatyaPurella Mon 06-May-19 22:42:36

Having a text convo with DP tonight and long story short he tells me the first time he went down on a girl was when he (& her) we’re both 12. I am really shocked, creeped out and upset by this. I have a daughter who is just 12 and this has made me feel quite sick. I have had a go, saying how totally wrong that is & that I am really quite shocked upset about it. I know it was in the past but he said they both wanted to do even though he then claimed they didn’t know what they were doing.
Did I overreact?

OP’s posts: |
rainydaysundays Tue 07-May-19 07:45:21

Yes, even though it's absolutely grim, it's in the past and he can't change it now.

bowtieandheels Tue 07-May-19 19:09:58

I think it's pretty normal for you to feel shocked and disturbed but there's not much he can do to change what happened now is there?
They were innocent kids experimenting...try reading some of the Nancy Friday books...might put it into perspective for you a bit.

CatyaPurella Tue 07-May-19 19:51:04

When I was 12 I was singing into my hairbrush and riding to my mates house on my bike. What kind of girl (& guy) even knows that’s a thing at that age?!

OP’s posts: |
statetrooperstacey Tue 07-May-19 20:02:47

Yes I think you have massively overreacted. He was 12 as well! It’s not that unusual really.

CatyaPurella Tue 07-May-19 20:24:20

Really? Not unusual?!

OP’s posts: |
statetrooperstacey Tue 07-May-19 20:28:29

No I don’t think it is.

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Christian77 Tue 07-May-19 20:35:13

I thought meant at noon!!!

CatyaPurella Tue 07-May-19 20:38:41

God I hope it is unusual - my daughter is very much still a child at 12

OP’s posts: |
JAPAB Wed 08-May-19 14:04:04

It is probably best that 12-yearolds don't experiment, but this seems a bit of an OTT reaction to me.

I would wonder if the reaction is more about feeling protective of daughter than being proportionate to what it actually was.

Lovemusic33 Wed 08-May-19 18:33:21

I think you are reacting like this as you have a 12 year old, I would feel the same. I lost my virginity when I was 14, I now have a 13 and 15 year old and the thought of them doing what I was doing at their age makes me feel sick. I’m sure your dp isn’t proud of what he did? I know of people that did experiment at a early age, I’m sure a select few do but it’s not a common thing.

CatyaPurella Wed 08-May-19 18:42:32

Yes I think it’s mostly to do with that, 12 is still a baby to me! And girls that did that sort of thing at my school, well, let’s just say there were names for them (& it was a very standard comprehensive). He does feel awful, probably more for the way I reacted (& seeing how young my daughter is makes him see too). Thanks xxx

OP’s posts: |
dragonflyflew Thu 09-May-19 01:18:25

They were both twelve. Kids experimenting. It’s not ideal but it’s not like he was five years older than her. And it sounds ‘consensua’l despite the fact they were massively underage and not mature enough to understand sexual relationships.
When I was twelve I fancied twelve year old boys. I don’t now and I’m pretty sure he fancied her when they were both twelve but it doesn’t mean he’s into twelve year old girls now!
Many of my friends were sexually experimental at this age. I wasn’t as too shy but I knew plenty who were.
Please don’t make him feel bad over this. He’s done nothing wrong and if he starts to feel guilty over it now it could be damaging to his mental health.

dragonflyflew Thu 09-May-19 01:20:18

‘*And girls that did that sort of thing at my school, well, let’s just say there were names for them (& it was a very standard comprehensive)*’
what are you saying re this child in the past? This sounds like slut-shaming to me. This post has made me feel sad.

StarlightLady Thu 09-May-19 07:05:17

I have hesitated before contributing to this. They were experimenting children.

I wasn’t a lot older when a boy first went down on me. I am in my 40s now by the way, so don’t react as if it was 2 years ago! I was not damaged as a result, although l can understand your thoughts because of your daughter.

I was an early teenager with hormones bubbling. My “boyfriend” was similar age, so in the same way we were experimenting and my sexual initiation was better than many. Here was a kind thoughtful boy and unlike many of the others, here was someone prepared to share something we had heard/read about with me.

I digress slightly, but as for girls calling others names, it happened back then, it happens now. It is usually based on jealousy of another and needs nipping in the bud.

CatyaPurella Thu 09-May-19 07:23:26

Maybe it’s just my childhood experiences are very different from others and what was seen within the realms of normal. Anyway, it’s all good - our problem is we talk about sex a lot & so I am actually surprised it didn’t come up before

OP’s posts: |
StarlightLady Thu 09-May-19 08:04:36

@CatyaPurella. Take care and please don’t let this spoil things for you. They were children. And he could have done far worse things.

UnicornDust9 Thu 09-May-19 12:37:28

Yeh it’s grim but he was also 12.

Not much he can do now.

CatyaPurella Thu 09-May-19 12:46:14

We are all good, nothing that will affect us - we are good at communicating about everything and anything, so whilst I was a bit freaked out nothing I can’t get over. Thanks xx

OP’s posts: |
chaoscategorised Thu 09-May-19 16:03:20

I was in Year 8 at school at 12. There were plenty of girls and boys who were talking about being fingered/giving oral - whether or not they actually were, I don't know, but it certainly wasn't unheard of. I was only a year older before I started doing sexual things, with other people my own age, because I was a teenager who'd gone through puberty and was unbelievably horny all the time.

I think looking back as an adult, 12 sounds insanely young, but many 12 year olds have gone through puberty and have sexual urges and I think it's naive to pretend otherwise

chaoscategorised Thu 09-May-19 16:04:46

Also I don't like the implication that he, but not the girl, had done something wrong. Let's not assume that teenage girls (or nearly teenagers/pubescent girls) don't also have an interest in sex.

Bubblegumgal Sat 11-May-19 00:03:55

Agree with dragonfly... that part of your post came across very misogynistic & nasty op.

JAPAB Sat 11-May-19 07:03:57

Some can find that tricky can't they. Don't do X or people will think you are a slut. Of course in a perfect world you would say that the people who think like that are wrong, not the person doing X. But a lot of people are still going to feel uncomfortable about such reputations for themselves or their daughters.

AloneLonelyLoner Thu 16-May-19 20:27:19

@dragonflyflew absolutely. OP lost me at this point. Really really upset me. Can't we all just be a little more intelligent and realise when we're saying something so horribly offensive. And about kids. Young girls. Good grief. Disgusting.

YouBumder Sat 18-May-19 16:55:03

Omfg that’s vile. My son is 13 and while I’m sure he’s had the odd kiss I’m certain there’s no way he’d be doing this.

I know there’s nothing you can do about it and it was a long time ago but I’d feel grossed out too. I wasn’t sexually active under age but I’m sure the girls who I knew were were “just” having PIV sex

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