After some advice

(5 Posts)
Nightinshiningllama Wed 17-Apr-19 11:47:12

A bit of background for context - DH and I have been together for 25 years, married for 21. We both had cancer in our 20s, mine caused a significant drop in my estrogen level and in my early 40s I had a complex hysterectomy including removal of all ovarian tissue. I can’t take HRT so I’m now post menopausal. In recent years DH has been very insistent that we improve our sex life and this has resulted in me using vaginal pessaries to reverse serious atrophy, use getting a range of sex toys, and DH starting on testosterone injections. DH now wants sex daily while I’d be happy with once a week - if I turn him down he can get very moody. Recently DH has been asking during sex if I will give him a blow job. That’s never been something I’ve done for him and I’ve always been clear that it’s something I don’t want to do. Last time he asked and I refused he stormed off and we haven’t really spoken since (other than to talk about the children, household stuff etc). I feel really disrespected that he won’t take ‘no’ for an answer, but I’m also really worried that our mismatched libidos will bring about the end to our marriage. I really don’t know what to do. DH isn’t one for talking to me and he won’t see a counsellor. I don’t even know what I’m asking for - a reality check, advice from anyone in a simile situation? IDK confused

OP’s posts: |
ConfusedDH Wed 17-Apr-19 18:10:27

Sorry to hear of your difficulties.

You have significantly different sex drives and something has to give either by compromise or separation of things can't be resolved, otherwise a future of resentment, dissatisfaction and frustration lies ahead for one or both of you which is not healthy.

As for not giving him oral - this is your prerogative and you absolutely shouldn't do something you are not comfortable with. The reality is, not that this should impact your own situation, but oral can be a very important part sex for many men and is generally not considered an outlandish activity.

Is there a specific reason you refuse?

Does he perform oral on you, or this this a two way status?

Storming off in a huff and not speaking to you is not acceptable, albeit probably reflects his feelings of resentment and frustration, irrespective of whether these be justified or not.

TooTrueToBeGood Thu 18-Apr-19 10:16:59

As you can't take HRT there is pretty much nothing you can do to increase your libido. I can understand why he's asking for oral if PIV is pretty much out of the question but nobody should be forced to do anything they don't want to sexually. You don't want to and you shouldn't have to justify yourself to him or anyone else.

There is an easy solution for him and that is to stop/reduce the testosterone as that will be increasing his sex drive. Out of interest, is he being prescribed it or is is he self-medicating?

NameChangeNugget Thu 18-Apr-19 11:03:04

A lot of men prefer receiving oral to full sex, so can see his frustration but, think he’s being an idiot about it.

Surely he knew this from the start? I’d have not married DH if he refused to give me oral. Would’ve been a dealbreaker for me

HeavensNoHellYeah Mon 22-Apr-19 00:03:35

He needs to be sitting down with you and communicating properly.

Personally, no oral sex would be a huge problem for me. There is absolutely no part of my boyfriend I won't kiss or lick or suck on and him me and that feeling is amazing and not one I'd be happy to live without.

These things come so naturally for me to do to him that I barely even think about it.

I didn't just dive right in though some of it did take some time to build up and some I'm still building up. Where do you generally kiss him? Do you spend a lot of time kissing and touching each other without having sex in general?

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