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We never do it :((3 Posts)
I need some help. Mine and DH sex life has gone down the pan majorly since having kids. I think we've had sex 5 times in a year perhaps. He has a low sex drive and I just feel totally undesired. My sex drive is average I'd say. His lack of need for sex further lessens my desire for him unfortunately- it's like a vicious circle. :-( I just feel really really sad that I don't look forward to having sex with DH any more. I feel quite self conscious now too as it's become a 'thing' - if we do ever do it it doesn't feel natural really. We have talked about it but it's quite hard too as I don't want to make the situation even more awkward than it is. Also, because I can't really let go and enjoy it anymore I don't really want to have sex with him anyway right now! The problem hasn't been helped by our circumstances either. We're living in a location I don't like, he works long hours and I left with kids and mental load so feel massive resentment towards him - which is unfair on him. I also feel really frustrated as he's not a particularly emotional or talkative person so I don't get much out of him. We don't laugh like we used to either. I feel like there's a flicker of an ember left on a fire which is about to go out. How do I get the fire going again??
It sounds like life has taken over, taking you further and further away from each other. Some people can take or leave sex, while others need it, physically and emotionally, at a frequency to keep them happy and in balance. It is only natural that we begin to resent partners with a low sex drive, leaving us to think about others and start thinking about them sexually. I don’t think your situation is that unusual at all. The problem, like you said, is that, after a while, you don’t really want to even try, as it’s just going through the motions and you get nothing from it, the worst sex of all. You need a change and a fresh start, but that’s far easier said than done.
I don't really want to have sex with him anyway right now
Then sex isn't really the problem. You can't just expect sex to paper over cracks in a relationship. There's a more underlying issue in how you cooperate and live together that needs to be worked on first. If you can't collectively figure out what that is, marriage counseling is the best step.