DH says sex is more important than I am.

(30 Posts)
mrsnec Tue 04-Dec-18 06:42:56

I know you are all going to tell me to LTB. DH and I are struggling lately and he keeps saying sex is more important than I am. He says I knew this when I married him and I trapped him. I can't keep up with his demands and as a result he keeps saying I'm not normal. Sex has never been a big deal to me.

I have been lying down and thinking of England a lot and I have been trying to please him but I can't. Sex feels like an ordeal. We argued about contraception. He won't wear condoms and refused to have a vasectomy. I was on the pill but hated how it made me feel. Anyway I know I could say no but I love him and I keep thinking that if I keep going maybe I will have some kind of sexual awakening.

I do frequently orgasm very quickly but it's not a sensation I crave or need and think it's a bit overrated. If I try and give pleasure to DH it takes him absolutely ages to come. Blow jobs take up to an hour. He sulks if I don't do it and often wants them several times a week and sometimes before I've got dd up for nursery.

He said I should be putting his needs before the kids.

He thinks I need educating sexually and learn to know what I like. Ie he thinks if I use a vibrator on myself I might be able to have big screaming orgasms instead of the quiet ones I have now. I have never used sex toys. I spend half my life with a knob in my face so covering a plastic mechanical one in pink glitter wasn't going to make it any more appealing. Anyway I got a small bullet one and it's not been out of the packet. Yesterday he had a go at me for not using it. I said when would I have the time and he says I should be working on myself while ds naps. Are you lot doing this?

The thing is DH has these outbursts when he is in contact with a particular friend. He's a dead beat dad. Living off benefits and not paying child maintenance but constantly bragging about his conquests and lifestyle. DH seems to always act up and threatening to leave after he's been in contact with this friend. It's like he's selling DH his lifestyle.

I have done everything DH wanted. And so far nothing works. He says we're incompatible but I think he's depressed. He admits that and he thinks that having lots of sex is the answer he believes all happy couples are at it constantly.

OP’s posts: |
titsbumfannythelot Tue 04-Dec-18 07:13:10

Being coerced into sex you don't want is no way to live. He sounds like a selfish git with no consideration for you at all.

noego Tue 04-Dec-18 08:15:58

If anyone was going to give you a sexual awakening then it would be a loving respectful attentive partner who would put your needs physically and emotionally first.

This is not the person you describe. The person you are describing is a sex maniac.

I suggest you have a chat to women's aid and/or rape crisis. There is also a link on this forum about coercive control. Can I suggest you have look at it.

If I find it I will link it.

HTH flowers

TomorrowsPrincess Tue 04-Dec-18 09:32:50

I wouldn't normally be one of the ones to say LTB but Jesus!
Honey!?.... what is he giving you out of this relationship. To me, it just sounds like he's using you to fulfil his needs without any consideration for your feelings.
Have you not sat him down and told him. Like really told him! It sounds like he's breaking you down. Please don't let anyone treat you like this..... sending comforting hugs and just letting you know that this isn't ok! thanksthanksthanks

mrsnec Tue 04-Dec-18 09:52:09

It's quite a difficult situation actually. We live abroad. I have no friends or family in this country. But I like living here despite there being no opportunities for me on my own.

I have told him everything. That sometimes I feel like he's groping and molesting me not touching me and how can he expect me to dive on him at every opportunity if I don't feel loved? He couldn't really answer.

Sexually though I feel like damaged goods. At school and college I was constantly rejected. I lost my virginity at 17 to a bloke who was ashamed of me and denied all knowledge. I had a string of short relationships at uni and then in my early 20's. They were all one night stands or blokes that dumped me when they got bored. I even had a fling with my boss who took advantage and I regret not doing more about it. When I met dh I thought he was different but I think I've just grown to accept every bloke I've ever met is like this.

OP’s posts: |
busybarbara Tue 04-Dec-18 10:14:39

Having read the stuff Russell Brand has written over the years, as well as being a sex pest to you, it sounds like your partner has a genuine sex addiction and needs help. Especially if he is still seeking constant sexual stimulation even when drained to the point it's taking him an hour to orgasm which is quite pathetic really

mrsnec Tue 04-Dec-18 10:26:17

I wondered if that's what it is. DH insists there's something wrong with me because my desire isn't the same as his and he'll often blame my technique for the fact that it takes him so long.

I've done everything he's suggested because I want him to think I'm open minded but none of it helps.

He even suggested I watched porn with him but I swear the women in the stuff I watched were having similar issues and it just made me sad.

I just want this to not be constantly occupying my thoughts. Sex isn't the be all and end all is it?

OP’s posts: |


mdocman1969 Tue 04-Dec-18 11:47:43

I don't comment very often, but, from a bloke's perspective - it doesn't sound like you have anything wrong with you at all. You still have sex and still have orgasms in spite of having a young child and being married to this prick! He wants you to put him before his children, be like a porn star, he's too much of a pussy to get a vasectomy and listens to a loser mate's bullshit. He's abusing you. Most women would have ditched him long ago.

TomorrowsPrincess Tue 04-Dec-18 12:55:28

@mdocman1969 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 Exactly this!!

Kittykat93 Tue 04-Dec-18 22:31:07

He expects you to get up and give him a blowjob before taking your daughter to nursery?

That comment made me feel so sad for you.

He's a vile abuser op. He doesn't love you, he just wants sex on tap whether you like it or not.

You deserve so much more than this

Brimstonenotfire Tue 04-Dec-18 23:31:32

OP none of what you describe is healthy or typical or indeed genuinely consensual.
Demanding, forcing, sulking, expecting.

None of those should be present in a respectful healthy sex life or marriage

He’s a bully and nasty and abusive and your self esteem sounds so low

Please accept what you know. This isn’t you not being sexual enough it is him behaving appallingly. That isn’t how a man treats a woman he loves and respects.

He may or may not be depressed or have other problems but that doesn’t absolve him from blame. He is abusing you.

What would you do if your DD describes being in a relationship like this? What would you tell her?

I couldn’t stay in the marriage you describe.
You are worth so so much more.

mrsnec Wed 05-Dec-18 06:34:08

Well I don't look, feel or act like a porn star and neither would I want to!

I thought he was being a 'pussy' about the vasectomy thing too. I even considered getting sterilised but after a miscarriage and 2 c- sections both with complications I decided enough surgery for me. He's been discussing all our problems with his dodgy mate who helpfully suggested ww use the withdrawal method. I am paranoid about not getting pregnant again.

Yes DH has deep emotional problems. I always knew he was selfish and blamed his upbringing. He is an only child and was sent to boarding school at a very early age. Despite living close now he has a very complicated relationship with his parents. There's also huge family rifts and a very recent bereavement.

It's interesting what's been said about dd. I actually confided in my DM over this although I spared her a lot of the details. She told me she'd gone through the same with my DF! She didn't divorce him until I was 15 so put up with it for 30 years! But no I wouldn't want DD to be treated like this and I wouldn't want DS to think it's ok to treat women like this either.

The morning blow jobs thing has stopped. I was doing it because most of the time I'm too knackered for sex on the evening. I don't know why but I am a sahm and do find it hard work running around after 2 toddlers. But when I see DH moping about and constantly playing with himself I feel guilty for not being able to satisfy him. I'm trying to be more affectionate at the moment and we haven't had sex since the weekend. He's miserable but I've seen worse.

On paper I have a very nice life. Sex is so unimportant to me it feels like a stupid reason to throw all this away. It's very hard to accept it's abuse. I know that's a cliché and everyone in my position has said that at some point.

In an ideal world I would like to make him see he's the one with the problem and help him through it but I realise that's easier said than done.

OP’s posts: |
TomorrowsPrincess Wed 05-Dec-18 11:10:35

Have you always felt that sex is unimportant or do you think it's the was your H portrays it that's made you think like that?
I adore my OH and sex is a lovely, intimate way to share our love. Sometimes is loving sex, sometimes a bit more 'porn style' but in all, it's a 2 way thing and we both want it. Do you think the way he treats you, you just don't feel like giving him any part of you or does he just make you feel like a 'hole for his goal'?
Sex for me, starts before we go to bed..... it's the lovely way I'm treated, it's the cuddles on the sofa, it's the deep conversations and the kisses in the day and the texts we send. Maybe your H needs some kind of lesson in how you need to be treated..... if he's had family/relationship problems, maybe he just doesn't know how to treat you?

mrsnec Wed 05-Dec-18 11:39:44

Even before I met DH I thought sex wasn't important. In my youth I had many flings where I realised I was being used and after a long period on my own I realised I craved a proper loving relationship. That was when I met DH 15 years ago.

It was very loving at first and still is sometimes but I can feel suffocated at times. He just can't get the balance right and the groping and constant talk of sex and playing with himself happen when he's upset or being influenced by his hideous friend.

But there are never any deep conversations or nice texts ever.

OP’s posts: |
TomorrowsPrincess Wed 05-Dec-18 13:02:39

Maybe your just incompatible, although I struggle to understand that there would be a woman out there that would like what he is doing. To me, it doesn't seem normal, extremely selfish and toxic to yourself.
Don't let his actions bring you down. I wouldn't tell anyone to put up with what you do. You sound like a perfectly normal, nice woman who deserves better. Whether that be on your own or with someone else is your decision, but it sounds like you don't even like your H so why stay?
Just take care of yourself and don't do anything YOU don't want to do. A relationship isn't about pleasing the other person, it's about being yourself and that being enough to be desirable in whatever manner to the other person. And that should be enough

Iris27 Sat 08-Dec-18 01:00:08

He sounds disgusting. This is not normal. Is he playing with himself whilst the kids are around?

The blowjob before nursery also made me sad for you. Horrible self centred man.

Munchyseeds Sat 08-Dec-18 23:18:04

He sounds utterly horrible
I feel so sorry for you
You are not the problem here AT ALL but you will never change his view
Have my very first LTBflowers

mrsnec Tue 11-Dec-18 06:39:48

Thanks for the replies everyone. The thing is there are times when we're very happy and I enjoy his company but he goes into deep moods occasionally and blames me and not having enough sex for everything. Eg. Abandoned projects on the house. That's my fault because I'm not 'motivating' him.

Strictly speaking he doesn't play with himself in front of the kids but it's not long before he'll forget and they'll see. Most weekend mornings he disappears somewhere else in the house and leaves me with the kids and I'll find him in the bedroom or in his workshop playing with himself the kids then go and look for him and ask me what he's doing.

The kids and I are not enough for him apparently. He told me that again last night. We booked a hotel break for Xmas and he told me last night he wants to fly dodgy friend over to join us because that's the only way he's going to enjoy it.

I feel like I would do anything to save my marriage. I hated being from a broken home. I don't want to be a single mum and I also hate having a step family but I accept I can't change my husband. My DM thinks he's having some kind of midlife crisis.

OP’s posts: |
noego Tue 11-Dec-18 09:09:24

In what realm is this acceptable?????

Start being a mother and provide a stable home for your children with out this 'wanker' around them, near them and in the same house as them.

A home for children has to be a safe place.

Get rid of him.

stegosauruslady Tue 11-Dec-18 09:22:25

So, your DH was up front with you about his high sex drive, and what? You decided to marry him knowing this, knowing that you aren't very interested in sex and are not prepared to work on or compromise on your sex life? It is no wonder that he feels trapped.

For most adults, a regular, enthusiastic sex life is an important part of an adult, romantic relationship.

I'd agree that he isn't doing himself any favours at the moment, lots of women find the 'grope boobs' method of initiating sexy time to be a turn off. However, he has also done some things right. Suggesting that you use a vibrator is actually a good idea, for many women sex drive is a bit 'use it or lose it' and learning more about what your body responds well to is a good path to having better partnered sex.

Also, if you are 'lying back and thinking of England' you are fucking up your relationship. He definitely knows this and it will be making him feel like shit.

If you really do want to save your marriage then you need to figure out a way to talk honestly to him about sex and together figure out something that works for you. Mismatched libidos can be made to work, but it takes work. Figure out what turns you on, tell him. How would you like him in initiate sex? How often do you and he think is reasonable? Where is the middle ground?

Also if he is masturbating a lot and taking a long time to come he might have 'death grip'...worth a google for him!

itsbetterthanabox Tue 11-Dec-18 14:51:04

Fuck off mate.

mrsnec Wed 12-Dec-18 06:49:53

I have never said I'm not prepared to discuss it, work on it or compromise. We frequently do all of those things and very often I'm at the limit of my comfort zone. Watching porn and buying a vibrator for example. And I knew about his high sex drive but at the start I got him out of some very bad habits. Wanking in bed for example.

We have had long periods in our relationship with no sex because I have been ill.I also had hyperemesis in my pregnancies .During his dark moods he often tells me I'm lucky he stuck around through all that and he's scared I'm going to deprive him for a long time again.

He never initiates sex. He says I'm in control. I should apparently assume he's always up for it and just 'help myself' but the truth is, it's the last thing on my mind. He says the boob groping thing isn't him initiating sex but I feel like it is and it's always at really inconvenient times. Ie kids were both ill with an ecoli infection. I was on all fours scrubbing projectile vomit off the kitchen floor. It was the middle of the afternoon. I couldn't have felt any less sexy at that point.

I want a healthy sex life but the contraception issue, the constant criticism and the fact that it takes him ages are taking away what little joy I got from it anyway. I tried comprises. He wants to do it in the car, up a tree, swinging from the chandeliers so I suggested the garden and in his workshop. Still took him bloody ages.

I have no idea what I was supposed to get out of the vibrator thing.I used it. I had an orgasm. I let him watch. It felt no different from any other orgasm. He says I still need to work on it as the feeling should be so intense I should get jelly legs afterwards. I have never felt that at all. I haven't felt the urge to get the vibrator out again since.

It's like he thinks orgasms are like some kind of natural anti-depressant and I have just never felt that. I don't think he's craving a lot of sex because he loves me he just thinks it makes him feel better.

And yes he has googled that an unsurprisingly like everything else I suggest it's a load of rubbish apparently. .

OP’s posts: |
SpamChaudFroid Wed 12-Dec-18 18:31:17

That's awful advice Stegasaurus, read OP's posts properly.

It must be like living with a wanking zoo monkey OP! All the criticism he's heaping upon you as well. Tell him his behaviour's unacceptable and that you're leaving him if he doesn't stop being such an arse and stop dehumanising you. Up to him then if he wants to get help for himself. The fault very much lies with him, not you.

SpamChaudFroid Wed 12-Dec-18 18:33:41

Also, how dare he tell you the way you're having orgasms are wrong! Wtf?!

Banterlope Wed 12-Dec-18 23:18:45

@stegosauruslady you are a dick

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