Lost our spark

[jodes86]

Been with partner 4 years now, sex is only ever on his terms. When he is in the mood, I've often been left feeling upset, angry and rejected when I've initiated sex.
Anyway I'm getting to point where the more he pushes me away the more I am self exploring and fantasies about lesbian encounters. I feel so confused.
We hardly ever go to bed together and if we do he makes the excuse of being tired to not come near me. Hes constantly moody and miserable which often leaves me thinking back to when I was single and missing the fun emcounters I had then.
So I'm unsure if I'm having these fantasies because I'm feeling rejected or because I miss the excitement in sexual relations. I am so bored with how things are. We have discussed this things change for a day and then back to normal boring routine.
I don't want to leave him I love him dearly I feel like we are friends at the moment more than lovers. I want some excitement. I've never cheated and don't intend too just wish we could get that spark back...

[Familymanhusband]

4 years?
No children (assumed)?
Minimal irreversible commitments (assumed)?
He changes for a day then reverts back?

Last serious ultimatum with the consequences spelt out loud and clear so there absolutely no shock or surprise if/when it comes, then if things revert back, move on.
Life's too short.

[jodes86]

3 children his step children. Just minimal effort from him all the time. Always moody and grumpy. Complains he's tired then sits up till late watching tv.
No affection take this morning for example both off work, he gets straight up out of bed no good morning kiss just downstairs to breakfast.
I've tried giving him the c'mon flirting dressing up ect and still get the cold shoulder. He's happy with our sex life and doesnt take on board my needs and wants. Its so frustrating. Yes life is to short but he is a wonderful father a hard worker so is it just me being to picky and not being happy with what I've got. Lord knows I've had much much worse

[user1496529599]

1. He is a wonderful father - he is not your dad so this doesn’t benefit you
   
2. He is a hard worker - you are not his boss so this doesn’t benefit you.
   

What are you getting out of this?

[Familymanhusband]

This ^

[jodes86]

I don't know. I've sat with him tonight and said I'm fed up even threatened to stray his reply you wont cause your loyal. He used to be so loving and now says I've pushed him away. I'm starting to think he just doesn't fancy me anymore

[DadJoke]

I recommend you try Upgrade your Mojo. It's a questionnaire where you both say what you enjoy, and then shows matches where there is no "no" by either party.

Even filling it in is fun.

[jodes86]

Its worth a shot thank you

[xpc316e]

+1 for Upgrade Your Mojo.

[Amelia499]

I don't think it's so much that he's clearly lost his mojo that's the worst part, it's his clear lack of empathy for you. You've threatened to stray, which I don't think is the best way of trying to sort an issue, and his only response is that he knows that you won't. You've said something to scare him, which has backfired and gives him even more reason to not take your issue seriously. I had a similar problem with my BF and I felt like we spoke about it a million and one times. I was close to breaking point and I still sometimes fear it won't ever be the same, but we're slowly getting there. The only way it came back is when my bf actually wanted to change things and I changed my attitude towards sex also. I realised that because I felt rejected I put up a bit of a wall and seemed a bit huffy when I knew we weren't having enough sex, which wouldn't have exactly made him up for having sex! We both had to work on ourselves to try get the magic back, but if your partner isn't willing to open up or even act like he cares then please don't put yourself through years of misery.

[jodes86]

I think your right, I am very at time closed off like you say put a wall up. Think that is from previous years of rubbish relationship and fear of hurt and rejection.
I'm trying to be more loving and affectionate as it doesnt come naturally and so far it's paying off 😍