DP and I have been together 18 months. I know he's used porn v regularly in the past, he'd been single for a while, so why am I all of a sudden upset?
It came up on Sat night, we were in bed about to watch a film on my laptop and jokingly i said "ooh maybe i should put some porn on instead!" He was straight on it, incredibly keen and it made me wonder about how much he still watches. We don't live together yet so I have had no idea until I asked. Apparently some weeks none, some a few times a week. I don't actually believe this- he's a dirty bugger and he's not been 100% honest with me in the past about sex so I doubt this too (he has had performance anxiety in the past and for the first 10 months of our relationship was secretly taking viagra). I don't think that he has a porn addiction or anything but I think he wanks pretty much every day and I suspect that porn plays a part in that. I've sent him loads of videos and pictures of me (at his request) so I know some of that is the wankfodder, but i've been feeling under pressure recently to do more and more and now I'm thinking that this is about his desire for porn not his desire for me.
I've watched some in the past, whilst it's titillating and does turn me on I am also slightly revolted that it has a physical effect on my body. So it appeals to my body but not my brain if that makes sense. It makes me feel shit about myself, I do not look anything like the actresses in the vids and I feel under massive pressure to "perform" in that way when porn is invading my thinking. I have trouble enough letting go enough to get off as it is without other things to be added into the mix. My self esteem isn't great due to an abusive-ish exh if 20 years who delighted in highlighting my physical imperfections. And I thought that I had finally found someone for whom i was enough :(
Thing is, I've felt more sexually connected to him that anyone else I've ever slept with and we have done things that I would never have felt comfortable to do with anyone else. We've been quite experimental and so on paper I don't know why his use of porn would be an issue for me.
But it is. I feel horrible about myself, like I'm not good enough despite all the stuff that we have done together that was a first for both of us and i feel really let down. It's almost like he's cheated on me. I did a quick Google just now of this thread title and most of the articles said that porn use is just a thing women should accept, it's not about their man comparing them to other women it's just something that men do. But I am really hurting :(
And I can't articulate to him how it makes me feel because I don't really understand why I do feel this way. Any thoughts welcome. Sorry this turned into a long old ramble.
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Why am I so upset by his use of porn?
9 replies
HarleyQuimm · 16/01/2018 12:12
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