Why am I so upset by his use of porn?

(10 Posts)
HarleyQuimm Tue 16-Jan-18 12:12:01

DP and I have been together 18 months. I know he's used porn v regularly in the past, he'd been single for a while, so why am I all of a sudden upset?

It came up on Sat night, we were in bed about to watch a film on my laptop and jokingly i said "ooh maybe i should put some porn on instead!" He was straight on it, incredibly keen and it made me wonder about how much he still watches. We don't live together yet so I have had no idea until I asked. Apparently some weeks none, some a few times a week. I don't actually believe this- he's a dirty bugger and he's not been 100% honest with me in the past about sex so I doubt this too (he has had performance anxiety in the past and for the first 10 months of our relationship was secretly taking viagra). I don't think that he has a porn addiction or anything but I think he wanks pretty much every day and I suspect that porn plays a part in that. I've sent him loads of videos and pictures of me (at his request) so I know some of that is the wankfodder, but i've been feeling under pressure recently to do more and more and now I'm thinking that this is about his desire for porn not his desire for me.

I've watched some in the past, whilst it's titillating and does turn me on I am also slightly revolted that it has a physical effect on my body. So it appeals to my body but not my brain if that makes sense. It makes me feel shit about myself, I do not look anything like the actresses in the vids and I feel under massive pressure to "perform" in that way when porn is invading my thinking. I have trouble enough letting go enough to get off as it is without other things to be added into the mix. My self esteem isn't great due to an abusive-ish exh if 20 years who delighted in highlighting my physical imperfections. And I thought that I had finally found someone for whom i was enough sad

Thing is, I've felt more sexually connected to him that anyone else I've ever slept with and we have done things that I would never have felt comfortable to do with anyone else. We've been quite experimental and so on paper I don't know why his use of porn would be an issue for me.

But it is. I feel horrible about myself, like I'm not good enough despite all the stuff that we have done together that was a first for both of us and i feel really let down. It's almost like he's cheated on me. I did a quick Google just now of this thread title and most of the articles said that porn use is just a thing women should accept, it's not about their man comparing them to other women it's just something that men do. But I am really hurting sad

And I can't articulate to him how it makes me feel because I don't really understand why I do feel this way. Any thoughts welcome. Sorry this turned into a long old ramble.

OP’s posts: |
CheekyChaCha Tue 16-Jan-18 14:11:40

In the end this comes down to compatibility. Like anything else, if he is really into things you really don't like, you are not made for each other. Don't try to change yourself or beat yourself up about it.

Todayisanewday75 Tue 16-Jan-18 15:01:31

Look at my thread about this issue and see if you find any of the advice helpful. And find a way to get through it before you are 10 years into the relationship like I am! If I’d forced the issue earlier I would have saved myself a lot of heartache.

HarleyQuimm Tue 16-Jan-18 16:12:34

todayisanewday thank you, I've just had a read. I think the issue for me is a bit different, in that he tells me that our sex is the best he's ever had (it is for me by a long way) and that I am his one and only. Apparently I fulfil him on this level and he couldn't wish for anything more. That's obviously not the case though is it? He also reassures me that whilst our sex is great, our relationship is not just about the physical side for him and he adores me romantically as well. I believed this and now i feel stupid sad Despite me being nearly 42, this is the first time that I have ever been in love. Now, all of a sudden, I feel cut adrift and as if everything that i believed about "us" is actually untrue- I'm finding it really hard to reconcile what he says about his feelings for me and how much he suggests he puts me above all others with someone who then goes and thraps off over some young slim smooth skinned big boobed actress who can bend into positions that even my 25 year old self would probably have struggled with grin

Hope you and your DP sort things out too x

OP’s posts: |
HarleyQuimm Tue 16-Jan-18 16:14:40

These are things he has offered up rather than me being desperate to have my sexual performance reviewed! Just to be clear grin

OP’s posts: |
HarleyQuimm Tue 16-Jan-18 16:18:59

cheekychacha I think it's more his actions not matching his words rather than us being into different things.

Or have I got unrealistic expectations? Has he been up on a pedestal and I've just found out he's a normal bloke who can't help himself but search for sexual content online?

OP’s posts: |
Todayisanewday75 Tue 16-Jan-18 18:28:08

Sorry I didn’t put as much in my first post as I wanted to as I had to do the school run.
The reason I posted is because the way you described the start of your relationship resonated with DP and me. I had been in a long term relationship with an emotionally abusive ex and when I met DP I couldn’t belive any man could be so kind and compassionate and just all round amazing. And the sex was nothing like anything I’d ever experienced, still is, if a bit tamer, I’ve never felt shy or had any inhibitions with him. He has always said our sex is enough for him, asked him earlier and he says it still is. He says the porn is nothing about the way he feels about me or our sex life but I think I need more of an idea of why he does it, as do you.
Hopefully we’ll both get answers and perhaps some reassurance.

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HarleyQuimm Tue 16-Jan-18 19:58:56

It does sound really similar! I think that's what I need, reassurance. Hope we both get that.

OP’s posts: |
Josuk Thu 18-Jan-18 10:45:56

OP - these discussions on porn - especially on Relationship board - always go one way.
So - I won’t tell you how to feel - I get it you are hurting. I’ll just tell you about myself.

I am a woman. Similar to you in age.
Me and my partner are having mind blowing, never-before-in-my-life sex these days and since we met a year ago. Always great and new and different, somehow.

It makes me feel alive and sexual. And - sometimes when we are not together - I masturbate. We don’t live together - so sometimes I just feel like that.
At times - it’s just me and toys.
At other times - I turn on porn. As a visual aid. As a quick way to get to gratification.
I don’t see those men on the screen as real. It’s purely a visual.
There is no comparison to my partner in my mind. I don’t imagine sleeping with those men.
When I am done - it’s out of my mind.
And I miss my partner. I’d rather have had him give me that orgasm. But he isn’t always around.

This is how it is in my head.
Maybe it’ll helps you think about it from a different angle?

bowtieandheels Thu 18-Jan-18 11:23:21

I agree with josuk...but I also have another angle. Maybe it's because you have very strong feelings for him that this insecurity is flaring up. I'm having a similar experience to you in that I'm with a man who is the first person I've truly loved, we have amazing sexual chemistry and have done a lot of firsts together. He makes me feel like a queen and worships my body like no one else ever has...yet for the first time in my life I'm feeling insecurity and jealousy at the thought of him looking at another naked woman....after a lot of soul searching I've come to realise it's not rational and is because I'm not used to being in love and it makes me feel vulnerable. Could it maybe be that?

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