Does this need sorting out?

[colourdilemma]

So...DH and I haven’t had actual intercourse with any level of success for literally years.

For quite some time, we didn’t have any kind of sex at all. Three children, youngest now six, fertility treatment, lack of sleep, me having anxiety and depression plus just wanting my own five minutes of space and I was pushing DH away to the point where he must’ve wondered if I would ever want him near me again.

He is only my second partner that I’ve ever had full sex with (the first wasn’t til I was 24 and was probably a mistake as a lot older and not at all caring), I’m his first and he is the most wonderful husband, I fancy him etc, but the sex has never been mind blowing. I feel as if, nearly twenty years in, we’re only just becoming more able to talk about what we want (mainly because, I guess, for so long my answer would have been “to be left alone”). Poor man.

But now, we have both agreed that sex is something we’d like. We are both able to climax, with hands and for me a vibrator. He just isn’t hard enough for successful intercourse. He’s 46 (I’m 44)and very stressed at work and I’m sure the fact that he couldn’t be sure I’d even go through with it can’t help in keeping an erection.

I’m just wondering whether we need to a) accept that intercourse isn’t everything and enjoy the other things that are working (but I love the closeness)
b) look into any underlying reasons why it’s not great eg I’m not as erm...tight as I was and there might be physical stuff for him.
Or c) accept that it’ll take time to get to a point where his brain and body realise he’s not going to get rejected and then things might get better slowly but naturally.

Be gentle with me-I can’t believe I’ve written this post!

[ferrier]

You are in the best possible position because you are both on the same page in wanting to fix it.

I'm no expert but two things occur to me.

1. If he climaxes through masturbation then he doesn't have a physical problem per se, it's more of a mental block so perhaps plenty of no-pressure touching/non-penetrative sex to restore your enjoyment of and confidence in each other.
   
2. If you're happy with toys he could try a cock ring. I'd do plenty of no. 1 first though.

[Jason118]

I'd say all of your suggestions are worthy avenues depending on what you both want. Quick fix for his 'softness' - viagra, it'll help no end. Give yourselves plenty of time to rediscover what you both like and don't focus on the destination, just enjoy the journey.

[colourdilemma]

Thank you both!
Viagra? I have no experience/proper knowledge of it really, beyond many, many very helpful emails offering to supply it which strangely land straight in my junk email
Is it a straightforward GP visit and leave with a prescription (him obvs?). Or is it a more complicated thing? I’m guessing it doesn’t then just mean he has a permanent stiffy? Does it just make it easier to get there and stay there, with the usual encouragement?
Sorry to sound ignorant...I am!
And is it a common thing to use?

[Racmactac]

He should get checked by gp if not able to stay hard for long.
But yes viagra helps him once he’s hard.

[colourdilemma]

I am not trying to play doctor/psychologist but since dh gets erect and stays erect enough to climax “by hand” (mine or presumably his own), does that mean that I might just not be tight enough now to give enough stimulation or is it more likely that the thinking bit of his brain takes over and years of it not happening just means his brain says “not gonna happen, don’t bother?”

In the past, although I didn’t, he did stay hard enough to last long enough to climax. He’s easily ten years older than when we had more frequent sex in that way.

Also, our infertility is male factor (he doesn’t make sperm because of a genetic thing) and I wonder that, as amazing a dad he is to our donor conceived kids, that somewhere deep down, this has had more impact than we’ve ever got near to discussing, despite having gone through treatment and the counselling needed before.

I definitely don’t mean that he regrets or feels sad about what our children are or how they were conceived, I’m pretty sure that’s not the case. But I wonder whether, especially since we got pregnant pretty quickly once the problem was identified, that 12 years of parenting and having no time to stand still let alone deeply soul search, has left its mark somewhere.

[Racmactac]

Do you do your pelvic floor exercises?
I don’t actually think you will be too loose - most women spring back after children but if you think that maybe an issue it won’t hurt. If only for self confidence.
You sound like you have a whole lot of other issues going on and I wonder if his inability is something to do with how he feels about being infertile. Ie what’s the point as they don’t work?

[colourdilemma]

I do think it might be relevant re infertility. I say might because we were okay there until after child number three. Not frequent, but it all worked when we did. I do know it played a part in me not wanting to-even though I’m well aware sex isn’t all about baby making, i definitely went through a stage of thinking “what’s the point?”. But all three of our dc were conceived at a time when dh and I were having sex. Weirdly, it felt wrong not to be, even if the sex itself never had any chance of resulting in pregnancy. I kind of felt that if we weren’t close enough to have sex, we weren’t close enough to have a baby. Odd logic.
And we are now much closer than we have been for years and enjoying what we’re doing. We’ve just established that we do like sex and would like to do it!
Pelvic floor issues just another thing that need dealing with! That’s another whole thread!
Sorry if I’m giving TMI or going on a bit!

[Jason118]

Re viagra, he goes to doc, says he's struggling a bit with firmness and he wants to try viagra. It's easier, so a "friend" has told me 😀 Will help with firmness and pretty risk free.

[NeverShine4me]

Has he had his testosterone levels tested?

[SirGawain]

Does it just make it easier to get there and stay there, with the usual encouragement?
That's exactly what it does. Taken about 30 to 60 minutes before It simply assists the natural response to sexual stimulation.

[TalbotAMan]

he doesn’t make sperm because of a genetic thing

Does he have Klinefelter Syndrome? That is the most likely genetic reason for a man not to produce sperm. If so, at 46 his testosterone levels are almost certainly falling and that will have a significant effect on his ability to sustain an erection. If he has KS, he should be under the care of an endocrinologist, be having his T levels monitored and should in all probability be receiving testosterone supplements, and viagra or one of its equivalents will help.

If you are in England, viagra is now available on NHS prescription.

[thiswas]

It he can ejaculate then it's in the mind that he has a blockage.

It could be something as mundane as him feeling a bit inadequate with respect to your using a toy (this may be unconscious for him).

Something to try and that will cost you next to nothing is to try to flirt and be more erotic with each other but without dtd, touch caress and tease are ok but don't orgasm.

So have lots of sexy dates, have some erotic chats in bed but nothing physical for about two weeks or three.

This involves no drugs, no therapist, just a bit of goodwill from both of you.

If this doesn't work then you might consider some of the suggestions above.