Another questions about the spark...

[KipperTie]

Hi all,
My husband moved out 2 weeks ago, partly due to financial irresponsibility on his part, but partly due to lack of intimacy. I'm basically trying to work out where to go from here. So background...

He was a virgin when we met. I don't really remember having sex much when we were first together, maybe once or twice a week at a push. I've never come from penetration so am quite into oral. The first time I gave him a blow job, he threw up, but after that first time he seemed to enjoy them. About 6 months in I asked whether he would like to reciprocate and he said he didn't fancy it. At the time I wondered whether we were a bit incompatible sex-wise as we didn't really like the same things (even the kissing was just ok) and I was never getting to orgasm. But I have a really difficult sexual history (rape, abortion) and thought that maybe it was more trouble than it was worth and friendship etc. is more important.

We both went into teaching a couple of years in and then I became ill with an underactive thyroid. By this time we were down to 4 times a year for sex, usually when I'd had a drink (didn't even have sex on 3 week honeymoon).

It upset me that we weren't having sex but I was knackered all the time so when I asked him if he was happy with the situation and he just said "well we're both tired", I went along with it and thought "well this is what it's like at this point in a relationship". I did try underwear and a we-vibe to get things going and when we did it I'd always say "we should do this more often" but nothing ever changed. I even bought a book called "why do women go off sex?".

In the last 2 years I've been well again and my sex drive has increased so it's become more of an issue, but I've just found it so hard to talk to him (I don't even feel comfortable to say what I like or don't like). Last summer I decided to make sure we did it once a month and was pleased with myself when we managed to keep it up for 3 months. That just feels pathetic- sex shouldn't be a chore! We don't even have kids and I joked to my friend is have to have IVF if I wanted any as unlikely to conceive when we never DTD.

When we went to therapy he said he fancies me but never initiates due to low self esteem and that he now likes to give oral; problem is I don't really enjoy it now as I don't feel comfortable and he does it for about 30 seconds anyway. We haven't DTD since January and I've got to the point where I just can't imagine ever having sex again. In fact I cried a couple of times whilst doing it in the previous year; couldn't understand it at the time but maybe it was my subconscious emotions leaking out. Who knows?

Anyway, very rambly and long but I didn't want to drip feed (sorry!!). Do you think there is any way back from this to a normal healthy relationship or is it dead in the water? Any personal insights would be welcome!

[sparklymarion]

How long did you do to therapy ?! do you feel you might have some deep routes issues and that these may need to be resolved before having a sexual relationship work any one ? I am only asking just reading this I feel there more of an issue than
Just your husband.

[HerOtherHalf]

Do you mean is there a chance of a healthy relationship with your husband (i.e. if you get back together) or if you might have a chance of one with someone new?

[KipperTie]

Hi HerOtherHalf,
I meant with my husband; is it something that we are likely to get over or does it sound like we are fundamentally incompatible?

[KipperTie]

Hi Sparkly,
We only did therapy for a month or so and it was targeted at all our issues, not just the sex stuff.
Problem was that he wouldn't open up about the background to the financial problems (secret debt) and honestly I felt like the therapy was a waste of time because we weren't talking outside the sessions. It was the financial stuff that has blown things apart as before I knew about the debt I'd come to the conclusion that I'd made my bed and therefore should lie in it (so to speak). In the end, The counsellor cancelled a session due to illness and neither of us rearranged. I'm now thinking about whether the sex stuff can be fixed (and so I only need to sort the money problem), or if the sex stuff can't be fixed then, combined with the financial issues, it's probably a dealbreaker.
I definitely have personal issues with trust etc. but had decent sex in 2 previous relationships which were after the rape and abortion.

[Brahms3rdracket]

I'm sorry OP but I don't think it's likely that you will develop a normal, healthy sexual relationship with your DH when it's never existed before. I think you're totally incompatible.

If there's any chance you want to start a family break away now and give yourself the opportunity to meet someone else

[KipperTie]

That's what I've been wondering Brahms. 😁 I'm 37 this Friday so time is potentially short on the whole family issue.
I'm not convinced we can work out our sexual problems. Is it unrealistic to live in a sexless marriage when you have no kids already? I think he would be quite happy to do that! I feel like an idiot questioning it when he will just go along with the status quo. He says whether we stay together is completely my decision as he's done all he can do.