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Sex life is crap and I'm not connecting with my husband. It makes me sad :(

24 replies

DingleDangleSun · 25/09/2017 16:36

This is going to be looong. I feel a bit guilty for posting this about him. I will say that we are both tired with kids and he does shift work but I think it goes deeper than the stresses of a young family.

I sometimes think that my sex drive is just higher than his. He has kind of admitted this in the past. I hardly request sex now but it's more that I've been put off it than naturally wanting it less. I certainly seem to think about it more than him. When we do have sex, it's like he can't read me at all. And I can't read him. Sometimes it's ok but I can't tell what he thinks of it or why it was better. He makes no noises during sex and wouldn't ever talk or tell me what he'd like me to do. I sometimes ask outright because I'm unsure whether it's working or not but he will just give polite answers. We're married for gods sake! I don't want this to be it forever. I think he really struggles to take himself seriously which is why it's so difficult for him. He finds it all a bit embarrassing. He seems to lack confidence so I have to tread very carefully if I ever bring it up. He's generally fairly unconfident and not great at communicating.

It sounds odd but we actually started off as fuck buddies. Back then he was coming over to my house for sex every night, so he must actually like it! I found it a bit awkward at times and realised he was quite inexperienced but I really liked him and liked the sex anyway and thought it would improve. It hurts me that he doesn't connect with me in this way. He can't even use words to describe our genitals unless they're kind of silly, jokey ones. When we've both been a bit drunk, we've had some great sex, I think because he's been less inhibited. I used to be so much more confident and this has sapped my confidence and made me feel rejected and shit. I strongly suspect that he was a virgin when we first got together so I should have taken the lead a bit more and I didn't.

As far as physical things go, there are a couple of things that bother me. His breath is absolutely horrendous most of the time. I don't love big sloppy kisses, but I do still like to kiss and I can't bring myself to because his mouth tastes vile. I've tried to tactfully say stuff and have now outright said there is something wrong with your teeth and you need to go to the dentist because your breath smells bad all the time. It's blatantly obvious that there's something wrong with his teeth but he's not even made an appointment. It is hopefully something which can be sorted though. Another is that his foreskin is too tight. I've also mentioned this a few times and tried to talk about how he could loosen it up a bit but he just shuts it down. It's very frustrating. If I'm handling his penis and pull the foreskin back, it gets stuck behind the head and I get concerned about that so it puts me off. I told him that that's not usual in my experience, but he took it as me comparing him to other men and won't really discuss it any more. I suppose I was comparing him to other men, but only because he hasn't handled any other willes so he wouldn't know! He seems to like it when only the tip is going in and out and I sometimes wonder whether it's because there isn't much movement in his foreskin. I can barely feel anything when he does that and I want him to be fully inside me. I want to feel like he actually wants me, which I don't think is that crazy.

I'm not sure he would have any physical complaints about me. It sounds big headed but I am attractive, more so than him. Obviously I think he is absolutely gorgeous but other people are sometimes surprised to find out that I am his wife. Possibly not just a physical looks thing, but because he also comes across as so uncofident. He doesn't like going down on me but won't admit it. I brought up the idea of sitting on his face last week and he looked a bit grossed out. We've obviously never done that. It sounds odd but I'm sure he would like a lot of stuff but can't bring himself to admit it to me so he just acts all polite and prudish about it. We are generally very jokey and don't take ourselves too seriously but I'm not happy for our sex life to be that way. It takes him ages to admit that he would like to try something sexual and he never starts the discussion.

I'm not even thirty yet and I feel so frustrated. I think he does like sex but is too embarrassed to properly let go and get into it, and that's now knocked my confidence too. I don't want polite sex forever. I want hot dirty filthy sex and to feel wanted, while he's there jumping up to wash his hands as soon as we've finished Sad He even holds out any fingers that might have been inside me so as not to touch anything with them. I told him that it makes me feel like he thinks he's got some sort of toxic waste on his fingers. What on earth can I do?

OP posts:
Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 25/09/2017 16:42

Honestly?
You need to divorce him. .
You are most definitely not compatible and signing away any sort of sex life forever if you don't. .
He made vows to make you happy and he has no intention of doing so. .nobody is born a sex God but he has zero intentions of attempting to be a proper dh to you.
My exh had massive inhibitions also and we were doomed. I knew it and he wouldn't admit it. .
He had never seen a vagina until I was actually giving birth!!
Get yourself a proper life. .

DingleDangleSun · 25/09/2017 17:07

I don't think I'll be divorcing him just yet! I'd like to try to improve things first. Hes brilliant in other ways and I have previously thought that I'd probably rather stay with him in a sexless marriage than leave and have great sex but a less good marriage. He's kind and helpful, dependable, loyal, great hands on dad, cooks, cleans, is supportive of my dreams and ambitions and shares my views. I think he's just seriously lacking confidence. It is very noticeable in our sex life because he can't fully let go and enjoy himself, he seems self conscious. He has an orgasm every time we have sex, so he can obviously let go, but it seems like the atmosphere can just disappear in an instant because he's self conscious. He's obviously seen my vagina plenty of times (!) but when I think back to how uninhibited I used to be with previous partners it makes me realise how shit I feel now. I don't feel sexy at all.

It feels a bit like we're stuck in this stage of being a bit awkward and I don't know how to go forward. I definitely think I'll be the one who has to go 'you know what, let's do this' and things would start to improve. I don't know where to start.

I don't even get why he is like this. I think he is so sexy and it's obvious that I think that. He has silky long hair and loads of nice tattoos, one which is just above the pubic area and kind of goes down into it. He's slim and naturally toned, does flips and loads of gymnastic type stuff and is really flexible and agile. He comes across as confident when he does things like that, like he knows how to use his body, if you know what I mean, but then it comes to sex and he goes from seeming like a sexy, confident man to a shy, awkward teenager. I just don't get it. Forgive me for gushing about him but I am definitely very attracted to him, which is surely how it should be.

The lack of confidence does come across in other areas of his life. I posted something a while ago where he had an extremely strong overreaction to a job interview. I realised just how lacking in confidence he is.

OP posts:
Fantasticmissfoxy · 25/09/2017 17:10

It sounds like he has phimosis which could make sexual contact painful or uncomfortable - he needs to see a gp about it first of all

Christmastree43 · 25/09/2017 17:21

It's a shame he hasn't sorted his breath out Sad I also had to tell my partner his breath was very bad and he sorted it out. Like you I started off hinting but then just came out with it.

With the sex... you mentioned that he's less inhibited when he's had a drink, how about having a few drinks on a Friday or Sat night and having drunkish sex and you can be instructive etc? And maybe that will kick start things?

I feel for you as I have also been the one wth a lower libido in previous relationships and it's horrid Sad

DingleDangleSun · 25/09/2017 17:22

The foreskin can be pulled back but it then gets stuck! It can be pulled back over the head but it has to be eased over and done carefully. The head starts to look a bit swollen and red and it makes me panic but it's never been so stuck that he couldn't get it back over. He doesn't seek to believe that that isn't normal though. I have mentioned it quite a few times and he acts like I'm insulting his penis and gets upset. I've told him that I've seen online that it can help to just stretch it out a bit when you're in the shower by running your fingers around it and over time it might loosen but he was having none of it. I'm fairly certain that's why he likes the tip to go in and out, because the foreskin is barely moving once it's pulled back. It bothers me that he won't do anything about it and it's affecting me too but he gets so upset and offended if I bring it up!

OP posts:
Notthemessiah · 25/09/2017 23:30

Some foreskins don't retract at all when erect - it's unusual, but it's not abnormal. Then again, if it's affecting how he has sex then I'd agree he would be better off seeing the gp about his options, but the problem is that if he lacks confidence generally and sexually confidence especially then it's going to be very hard to put that to him without making him worse.

I think you need to sit him down, no distractions, and fairly much tell him what you've just told us but also be much more vocal and instructive about what you want him to do when dtd. Doesn't sound like it's likely to make things worse at any rate.

annandale · 25/09/2017 23:39

This sounds so hard. Do you rate your own dentist? Could you just make him a dentist and hygienist appointment and inform him that he may not think his health is important but poor dental health can lead to cardiac problems and in extreme cases can even be lifethreatening and you love him too much to let him neglect himself any more? I do think not being able to kiss your husband and enjoy it is awful.

The penis I don't know about. You might have to take charge there too, at least to find out from your own GP what the possible issues could be.

LuluJakey1 · 25/09/2017 23:45

What does him doing flips and loads of gymnastic stuff have to do with your sex life or with how attractive he is? DH can't do that but is absolutely shit hot in bed. 😉

DingleDangleSun · 26/09/2017 08:33

Haha! It's not directly related. What I was trying to say is that he seems quite confident in his body and in himself when he's doing physical things like that and how huge the difference is when it comes to sex. If I was to go on top, he just lies there and looks awkward, sometimes awkwardly timed thrusts... I don't know how to describe exactly what I mean but it's odd to see somebody go from being physically confident as aware of their body to hesitant and awkward as soon as they're in a sexual situation. I was talking about how attractive I find him because I think that is good and how somebody should feel about their husband. I don't think there are any problems there, I definitely find him physically attractive but his body language and confidence during sex is off putting, so I find myself not really wanting it even though I look at him and find it an appealing thought. The reality is always way more awkward SadI am putting all my thoughts down to try to sort through it in my head.

Think I'm going to raise the dentist thing again, it's probably just difficult to fit in around everything else. That's something which I think could be sorted fairly quickly. The tight foreskin may take longer. I think it is a problem rather than just being normal for his penis because I can't get it back over the head once I've pulled it down and it swells. I think getting a bit tipsy does help him feel less self conscious. I might see if I can arrange for us to have a night. It's awkward around his shifts.

OP posts:
DingleDangleSun · 26/09/2017 08:49

But have any of you successfully pulled someone out of their shell, as such? I feel like I'd have to be really confident and take the lead for it to work and I'm not sure I'm able to do that now. Just really simple things like telling me he'd like to change position. Last time we had sex, I could tell that he wanted to change position but he wouldn't say it. I asked if he wanted to and all I could get out of him was 'if you want to'. He eventually said he did but then it was another ordeal for him to tell me he wanted me to go on top and he seemed embarrassed to tell me. Like I might turn around and laugh in his face. So he asked it in a kind of timid, jokey way but as you can imagine, it majorly kills the mood that he can't ever just tell me what he wants and when he does he seems to feel almost guilty about it! I don't know how to change that dynamic now and I don't know why he's so embarrassed to say something so simple to me. We've been having sex for years.

OP posts:
Hadthatproblem · 26/09/2017 10:55

The foreskin issue does sound like phimosis.
I've had this problem myself, with a small operation it can be sorted.
But like your husband , I knew it felt tight but didn't know that it wasn't normal,so left it. It wasn't until while dtd rather enthusiasticly one night that the problem solved itself, and split with a lot of pain, and a trip to the gp
Gp said that I'd done myself what they would of done with a knife, after 6 weeks was all back together and loads better for it.
Maybe that's why he's being gentle for fear of damaging himself. This could be sorted in 6 weeks ,he just needs to swallow his pride and visit the gp. Offer to go with him if needs be. Hope this helps

He would feel like a new man

Brahms3rdracket · 26/09/2017 12:40

As you're finding it difficult to get him to open up about what he wants/fancies trying, you could suggest you both go to mojoupgrade.com. It's quite fun, leads you through different things from very vanilla upwards and you go through the questions individually. If you rate something positively you might like and the other answers no it doesn't show up in the end results, just where both have indicated they like or would be open to trying said thing. It could be a lighter way of opening up after a glass of wine or two.

I would definitely book an appointment for him with the dentist to address the breathe though. He's clearly not going to do it himself and it won't get any better.

DingleDangleSun · 26/09/2017 13:24

I've never heard of that, that's a good suggestion. It's often the case that I'm slightly tipsy and he's not because it takes much more alcohol for him to feel it so he's not often had enough alcohol to lose his inhibitions. Perhaps I need to set aside a night for it. Thanks for all the replies, I feel quite guilty saying this stuff and couldn't say it to anybody in real life so I end up dwelling on it a bit. Have discussed dentist again this morning and told him that his mouth tastes bad and it makes me not want to kiss him. I got hardly any response but I expected that, since he doesn't like to talk about anything he finds uncomfortable. I asked if he was offended and he said no and I brought up the dentist a few times afterwards to hammer home the point that I'm not going to just drop it the way he'd like me to. My hope is that he'll go and get it sorted and then we can have some great kissing and he'll realise what he's missing out on and it won't be such an ordeal to get him to go next time.

I really can't see him going to the GP about his foreskin. I would love him to, I've suggested it and he doesn't even respond. He just stops talking and that's it.

What I find so frustrating about it all is that I know he does like things and wants to try things but he won't say it. I shaved my pubes a while ago which I've never done before whilst with him. I sent him a photo which admittedly was a little bit jokey (I'd taken off more than I intended so made a little joke and i felt a bit nervous to send it so was easing into it) but also it's actually a photo of my bits so I clearly wanted him to enjoy it. I asked him what he thought, obviously trying to flirt. He just made an 'oh dear' type comment and commiserated with me. Answered as though I'd sent him a photo of my injured foot, totally ignoring that I was trying to seduce him. And then talked about something at work! I felt really shit and rejected. A few months later he admitted that he loves it like that and the photo really turned him on. He seemed embarrassed telling me that. When I send a dirty photo and refer to what we might do later, it's so blatantly obvious that I expect some kind of reaction from him so why can't he do it? He gives me a reserved response, as though we could never be sexual so we just skirt around the subject and make awkward jokes. I feel so bloody frustrated when I think back to what my sex life used to be like and how good it made me feel. I worry that it's my fault since I am possibly the only sexual partner he's had and I should have somehow taught him the ropes and that he'd be totally different if he'd been with someone else instead of me!

I might take a look at that site myself beforehand and see if I'm brave enough to show it to him. We have the monogamy board game which we have never played. I had wondered whether that would be easier since it's a game and he's not having to tell me he wants to do things, it's part of the game, but then I looked at some of the cards and could already imagine his awkward responses. I don't know whether I'm brave enough to do it because I'd have to pretend to be confident and lead it to stop it being a terrible cringey experience!

OP posts:
DingleDangleSun · 26/09/2017 13:47

Just tried to look at that website and it's blocked by virgin. Even my internet provider is denying me a good sex life Blush

OP posts:
annandale · 26/09/2017 14:19

I have to say it sounds like couples sex therapy would be really helpful.

Brahms3rdracket · 26/09/2017 14:22

Oh damn Virgin, go to talk talk, it's cheap and doesn't block anything Grin.

I was also going to suggest a board game to make it into a fun activity and take some of the pressure off you both. I was considering getting Monogamy myself, but left that for DP to organise, so obviously nothing happened there Hmm.

I know it's a little cheesy, but have you considered dressing up and starting some roleplay? Sometimes it's easier to play a different role to take some inhibitions away.

DingleDangleSun · 26/09/2017 17:30

I'm not sure about role playing. I think he'd be too embarrassed. I haven't ever even worn 'nice' lingerie as a surprise. Hopefully it would get a good reaction. I mentioned it in passing a few weeks ago and he didn't react the way I'd hoped, but I feel pretty certain that he would really enjoy it so perhaps I should just go ahead and do it.

Are there other games similar to monogamy? I suppose we could even play a normal game but make it sexual, though I'm not sure how. We play board games frequently so that might be a bit more in his comfort zone.

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EezerGoode · 26/09/2017 18:35

Is there any possibility he is on the autism spectrum?

EezerGoode · 26/09/2017 18:36

I say that because of the his reaction to the photo you sent him...he missed the point entirely

TheFifthKey · 26/09/2017 18:43

My sex life with my exH was like this. Awkward and embarrassing. No communication, jokey names and all that. It was like we were stuck in a teenage sort of situation. I was more experienced than him at first and he didn't like that at all, so I never liked to use my (limited!) knowledge with him, and we just kind of got stuck. It only got worse over time TBH. My sex life post separation has been so much better, I can hardly even describe it! Plus I know what I want (or don't want) from sex and am not afraid to say it, which makes it a much better experience all round.

Hazysummerevenings · 27/09/2017 15:46

Oh god, to some extent you could be describing my DP Sad

He's definitely not as bad as yours and can tell me what he wants in bed/ isn't particularly shy in bed etc. However, he too has to make up 'jokey' names for genitals etc, which he uses mid shag. For example, he'll only ever call my bits my 'fanny' and will say things like 'I want to sink my penis deep inside your fanny' and tbh, it just turns me off there and then. I have tried broaching it with him, and all I got was 'Well what do you want me to call it?!' I don't bloody know but something not quite so teenage and just...well...meh.

We'd been together about 6 months and I put some sexy lingerie on and sent him some pics, he messaged back commenting on the lampshade in the background and saying he needed to get one for his living room or something. I was like...wtf?!

I've always sexted/ sent dirty pictures to all of my exes and it's gone down really well and has added to the 'horniness' if you like, but in all of our years together, we've never done anything like it. I have tried to initiate things but get no response or some half arsed response so what's the point?!

It's soul destroying, you have my sympathies and no advice really sadly.

PARunnerGirl · 27/09/2017 16:17

I had a very similar sex life with my ex-husband. It was a major reason for the divorce, because it filtered down into and affected a lot other aspects of our life.

You have said so many things that I also experienced (him being grossed out by certain parts of sex, not being able to lose himself in a moment, not acting on/ having physical desire, not being able to talk about sex, use sexy language and so on). No one would have believed the poor sex life we had, due to us both being young, child-free, attractive, fit and healthy etc etc.

I have to be honest and say that in over a decade of marriage, I tried in many ways to pull him out of his shell and show him what a fulfilling sex life could be. But he just couldn't. Some posters have been blunt with the divorce comments. I would say: do what you think you need to do to give it every shot in the world of working. If it doesn't, you'll know you tried everything. We need to figure this stuff out for ourselves and you're obviously not going to file for divorce today based on comments here! My gut instinct tells me this is too important for you and not important enough for him though :(

I am now with someone who pushes me up against a wall to kiss me on the walk home from the pub/ cinema/ restaurant or bites my bottom lip while we're kissing to show me what he's thinking or does lots of other things I wont mention here! Sex is important to me and I couldn't have stayed in my marriage. BUT, I think it will take you some time to see whether or not you arrive at the same decision.

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Dothedodah · 27/09/2017 21:41

He is not acknowledging that you find his breath bad. If he wanted to sort it then he would have been proactive. My EXH had a breath problem. In ten years he never got round to finally addressing the problem and I grew fed up of waiting.

This isn't going to end well OP. I'd dump him.

DingleDangleSun · 30/09/2017 09:56

Autism spectrum is an interesting one, he's not diagnosed with anything. I'd say his dad and his brother almost certainly are - both seem unable to read people's expressions or body language, often misunderstand sarcasm or jokes etc. My husband isn't quite as bad as that and I can't tell whether it's just his personality or he has picked up on the communication styles of his parents. He talks a bit more now but often just shuts down. Holding eye contact makes him uncomfortable, especially if we're having a conversation he finds difficult. Which is anything important, tbh. So I sit there desperately trying to find out what his thoughts are and discuss things while he sits in silence looking everywhere but at me. Whether he would be considered as being on the autism spectrum doesn't really matter though because it still affects me the same whether it's autism or just his personality. As far as that picture goes, I don't think he did miss the point, I think he felt too shy and awkward to respond in a sexual way so he made a joke about it.

I think I've fucked up, anyway. We had sex last night and I really shouldn't have done it because I just didn't feel like it and I had all of this stuff on my mind. It was so awkward. I tried to discuss things afterwards and got no real response, he said he was too sleepy. I asked if he was ok this morning, quite a few times, because I didn't want him to think that I am telling him he's shit at sex. It's not so much the physical things he does, more that I don't feel we are connecting and he kept saying no it's fine. We had a rare 45 minutes child free this morning so I tried to properly talk about it and he told me no wonder he's not confident during sex cos I lie there telling him he's shit at it afterwards. I know that's how he sees it and he's clearly not ok with it. I don't know how on earth I can even bring it up without him thinking that and it just making things worse. I can see that I've hurt him but the only option is that I'm then never allowed to talk about my own sex life because it upsets him. I have mentioned it a few times after sex, sometimes when I've been feeling particularly frustrated, so he's not making that up. But it's not like he was confident to begin with and I've done this to him, it's always been this way. And that works both ways - my confidence is so low now I felt embarrassed to even start this discussion with him. I actually cried when I was talking to him Blush All of my previous relationships have been very sexual and I can't believe this is the way I am now. I have a drawer of sex toys we've never even looked at. I showed him when we hadn't been together too long and he looked terrified. I thought we'd get there eventually. We haven't. Even really simple things like some padded wrist/ankle straps. I don't think he'd have the confidence to pull it off and I'm scared to ask him and have it all go horribly wrong and feel awkward. I just feel so shit now after that conversation Sad I think I've made it all worse. He now feels judged and knocked. I asked whether he's happy with our sex life and he said yes until you tell me I'm shit afterwards. How can he be happy with this?? We can't even talk about sex without embarrassment. I don't even know where the discussion would go, it's not like we can talk our way into a good sex life. I know I focused on the breath and foreskin before but those things can easily be fixed. I can't make him want me the way I want him to.

Does anybody think there are ways of dealing with this without so much discussion and talking? More doing? I think me talking about it only has him hearing that he's shit in bed.

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