After-effects of porn?

[PollyGasson24]

Opinions please on how you would see this development:
Both agreed in early years of the relationship that porn didn't have any place in our relationship. Had looked at stuff together which didn't really seem to do much for either of us. Revisited it over the years with the same results. Was disappointed at one point that oh was hiding his solo viewing, but that stopped.
Actually, it didn't. For the past few years he's been looking at loads of stuff (just the usual, afaik), lying and hiding it. Obviously the thing that affects me the most is the dishonesty. Still not sure exactly what he'd been looking at, but one thing he admitted to was wanking away to gonewild on reddit, when he had access to it and was in the mood. Which could be 24/7 for all I know, as it's on his phone.
Anyway, when this came out, he started suffering ED. Mostly back to normal now, but if he's 'struggling' he'll start a bit of spanking and hair pulling, which he'd not suggested before. He apparently hasn't looked at porn since I found out.
To me, this smacks of him needing that bit of porn action/thoughts of other ppl to function now, as it's obviously not a solely physical problem. Is that how you would see it? For the record, I've been happy to try loads of stuff with him, but don't bother suggesting anything now as he obviously wasn't into it with me.
Thanks for any insights.

[NewMummyMNetter]

Can I ask OP why you don't let him have his fix if you like while he's masturbating?

Do you masturbate? When I do the majority of the time I use my imagination but every now and then I'm fond of a little porn literally nothing too hard core but porn all the same. I know each to their own.

[PollyGasson24]

The relevant bit is that it seems to be leaking over into real life new, which is what I was asking for opinions on.

[NewMummyMNetter]

But is it the after affects of porn or just what he likes?

[Guavaf1sh]

I think it best to operate a 'don't ask don't tell' policy with these things

[Chaotica]

OP - If it leaks out into RL then it's a problem, and it sounds like it is doing. Will he talk to you openly about these things if you ask him? (Obvs. was lying, but could he be straight with you now?) If not, I'd get rid (but that is me speaking from bitter experience).

[amateursleuth]

I get where you're coming from OP. It's that your sex life is being shaped by things coming from porn when you'd wanted it to be different.

How are you with the spanking and hair pulling? I can see how it is irksome to do stuff you may be less keen on (even if you're prepared to) in the cause of making it happen for him. Does he put the effort in to make it good for you and do things you really like?

[AyeAmarok]

I don't have a problem with porn per se, but using it frequently does seem to lead to becoming desensitised to normal sexual interactions with another person. And that is a massive problem.

The pulling hair and spanking all of a sudden is no doubt because of the porn; the need to up the ante to get off. Eventually, it'll need to be something a bit more than this. And so on. And it's a pretty grim, and disrespectful, path to go down. And not very pleasurable, which is what sex is supposed to be.

[rizlett]

Usually as soon as we start to watch porn we switch out of 'feeling' and into 'thinking' and then you can become disassociated with the feelings in your body - this can sometimes be why some people have to watch stronger and stronger porn to achieve the same reaction.
It takes time but often sex can be better if you leave the porn for a bit and concentrate on the feelings that arise in your body from touching yourself or each other - this can often reawaken the physical desire without it requiring a porn stimulation iyswim.

[Brazenhussy0]

Yes, porn does cause ED (and delayed ejaculation) and a need for more ‘extreme’ sex to feel stimulated and, ultimately, to get off. This is exactly why porn is a no-go in my own relationship.

When I first met my DP he had a serious addiction to porn (and yes, Reddit’s Gonewild featured heavily in that!) It was so bad that browsing random naked women and watching porn took up a large amount of his free time, at the expense of his sex life and relationship with his ex.

When we got together I basically told him that if he wanted to fix his delayed ejaculation problems and start enjoying the simpler aspects of sex again, then the porn was going to have to go. He struggled with it at first and we did end up having to use pretty robust internet filters on his phone and computer to get the habit kicked, but it gradually got better over time.

5 years later, we have a very normal sex life which is deeply fulfilling to both of us, the ejaculation issues are completely resolved, and my OH has become a much more productive person in his free time with new hobbies, an interest in his health/fitness and renewed self-esteem.

Porn sucks. It really does. It wrecks sex lives and completely destroys self-esteem (of men and women.)
It might be worth revisiting this with your OH, and finding out if he’s still watching porn and how he really feels about it and how he feels about your sex life.

[PollyGasson24]

Thx for the replies.
I have spoken to him about this. Initially I was okay with it, but esp the hair thing is starting to get uncomfortable -he's not particularly careful and seems to have forgotten that I asked him to stop it a while back. It feels more aggressive and domineering rather than exciting now. Part of that may be the thought that he needs to do that to get properly aroused iyswim.
newmummy I can only assume, but he had never suggested the hair thing before, so must have got it from somewhere. Also, doesn't have an interest in exploring things I would like to try, so that pisses me off that he is trying to regularly incorporate this. It feels more demeaning because it's not give and take in that respect. It's hard to explain.
He tells me he's not looked at stuff for a while, and is trying to be a better person by not being deceitful about it. Says he sees how it is detrimental to the relationship. All the right words, but considering he said he'd stopped before and restarted with worse and more frequent viewing, I'm not totally convinced it will last. I do wonder if this showed he was struggling with normal arousal without it. I hope he can turn it round honestly, like your oh, brazen. It would be interesting to know others who have also done the same, for their own reasons rather than paying lip service to their partner. I'm not confident it would be a large number!

[Pru24]

Looks like 'normal' arousal is a struggle without! The more porn some one looks at, the more extreme it needs to keep getting to keep an interest! It desensitizes you so what did turn u on aint enough anymore & you have to keep looking at new things to form a new interest. Its very common & u are completly resonable for questioning this, hes obviously been doing it alot & is now struggling without. Trouble is where do the limits lie? The hair pulling is a turn on now but once hes bored of that, whats next.

[Josuk]

I don't know. I keep seeing women being so against porn and I wonder - why I never felt that way.
To me - sex and solo play are separate. And I wouldn't let anyone dictate what I can and can't do solo.

Sure, overuse of porn and obsession with it (or with anything, really) is not healthy.

But, other than that, I had two more thoughts.

ONE. Over time - attraction and arousal may change. And male erections also change with age. They are not robots.
Finding new ways of getting excited - say hair pulling, etc. Also - with age - people lose inhibitions and let more of their 'real selves' come out.
Doesn't have to be related to porn.

A friend of mine recently told me that she realised that she liked it when her partner accidentally caught his hand in her ponytail as they were at it.... So - he might have done it and it worked for him.
BUT - obviously - you don't have to like and go along with all his new things.

TWO. It's absolutely crappy that he doesn't want to try new things you want to explore. I, of course, don't know how extreme these things are, but assuming it's on the same level as spanking/hair-pulling - I'd be quite unhappy too!!!!

[Lozz22]

I know if I could block porn completely off my husbands phone or iPad I would!! It's changed him completely and not for the better either! Our sex life has always been hit and miss with one of us not wanting to do it and at first it was usually him. Now how ever, ever since watching that fifty shades of tw**ing grey he watches porn every night! He's now into all that bondage crap which I detest with a passion and has started to get forceful when wanting to have sex. Up to the point where I just give in because he'll do it anyway! The most degrading thing about it is last week during a massive argument about me been upset that his Sister is pregnant and because of it sunk right back to stage one of severe depression. Right to the point of self harming and actually physically wanting to die. he's known for 14 years I've wanted a baby so badly but because of infertility I or we would need help but at the time he refused to do a sperm sample because it was 'degrading' and instead I've spent the past 14 years watching everyone around me have kids. Anyway during this argument he admitted to me that unless he watches porn or physically causes me pain he basically can't get it up! It made me feel really bloody good about myself. Not!! I'm already body conscious as it is because I carry a lot of extra tummy fat thanks to PCOS!! i could go on but it'll get even more boring plus I'm tired and I'm now seeing double on here thanks to toffee Apple cider!!