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How do you talk dirty without feeling completely ridiculous?

33 replies

MrsGrim · 25/03/2017 19:43

Just that really. OH and I have been together 22 yrs. He was the 3rd guy I'd ever slept with and was more experienced than me. Have 2 kids (7 and 9). We 'd normally have sex maybe twice a week on average. I've always enjoyed it and he's a very considerate partner in that department. In the early days we were a lot more adventurous (like most people I suppose) sex outside, toys, lots of nice underwear)

OH has been on and off a testosterone gel (prescribed by his GP) for the last few years and is now on it for good. This names him far more horny than normal and basically he's like a bloody teenager with a constant hard on.

He says he needs more sex, wants to try spicing things up a bit, would like me to dress up and is always going on about me talking dirty to him during sex. Specifically making up a sexy story. I can talk to him and tell him what I want him to do to me but I feel like a complete title trying to make up a dirty story. Tried a couple of times and he would be like "No say this" or "say that to me" and then I ended up getting defensive because I felt so daft.

I'm actually starting to feels but anxious about sex now, as though he's wanting me to perform. He says that's not the case and he would love to have sex with me every single day and wants it to be as interesting and spontaneous as it used to be.

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HandbagCrazy · 25/03/2017 19:54

Two things spring to mind reading your post.

1 - He doesn't need sex. He wants it more but he won't keel over without it.
Turning it to a need puts pressure on you and isn't fair

2 - If you feel uncomfortable making up a dirty story, don't do it. The whole point of exploring and trying new things together is to find something you both enjoy.

He clearly knows what he wants you to say. If you want to keep trying, tell him to tell you what stories turn him on so you know. Then when you tell him, the rule is that he isn't allowed to speak / interrupt.

If it does nothing for you and you don't want to try again, tell him that and to stop asking.

FWIW, I have to be in a certain mood tipsy to be comfortable talking dirty. If it ever happens, DH is always appreciative of whatever is offered - being corrected isn't sexy!

MrsGrim · 25/03/2017 20:05

Thanks Handbag. I feel like we're going round in circles a bit to be honest . When I've asked what he would like or wants during sex he's said that I'm too submissive and should just "do" instead of asking what he wants. Maybe I'll surprise him with a 12" strap on and see how chatty he is then!

He wants me to initiate it more and I have been trying. I'm worried that maybe we're just not that compatible anymore. Also, and I wasn't sure about mentioning it to he honest, I was abused as a child and no matter how much I try to convince myself that it's not affected my attitude to sex and sexual confidence, I know it has.

The ultimate irony in all of this is that when I've seen "dirty talking" in films I've always found it a big turn on. Just feel a total fanny when I try to do it!

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BeingATwatItsABingThing · 25/03/2017 20:07

Well, he sounds a treat. Hmm I am also not one for talking dirty and if DP tried to make me, he would most definitely not be getting more sex.

Moussemoose · 25/03/2017 20:07

He can't critique. You do it your way. It's not a bloody literary review.

MrsGrim · 25/03/2017 20:13

Grin at literary review.

Being honestly he's not a dick. He's made it clear that I turn him in on and he only wants me. I think I'd find it easier to act sexy if I believed I was. Put on a but if weight recently so that isn't helping. When I put on the new underwear that he's bought me I can't help but think why the fuck would he want to have a sex with me when I look like that.

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MewlingQuim · 25/03/2017 20:27

Hmm. I was also abused as a child and for me being pressured for sex is the biggest turn off imaginable. Given your background, is learning to talk dirty really the solution to this Confused

You may enjoy listening to dirty talk but that doesn't mean you must also enjoy saying it. If you are not comfortable doing it, then why the fuck do it?

I cannot figure out what your DH is being prescribed testosterone for, but whatever reason, his suddenly higher sex drive is simply a side effect of the drug, and not really your problem to sort out. Maybe his dosage just needs reduced a bit.

Moussemoose · 25/03/2017 20:30

Start slowly, the occasional word or phrase. Build yourself up to a full on commentary. He needs to encourage you if he doesn't then he is a bad boy who needs to be spanked. Hard.

MewlingQuim · 25/03/2017 20:31

Hmm. I was also abused as a child and for me being pressured for sex is the biggest turn off imaginable. Given your background, is learning to talk dirty really the solution to this Confused

You may enjoy listening to dirty talk but that doesn't mean you must also enjoy saying it. If you are not comfortable doing it, then why the fuck do it?

I cannot figure out what your DH is being prescribed testosterone for, but whatever reason, his suddenly higher sex drive is simply a side effect of the drug, and not really your problem to sort out. Maybe his dosage just needs reduced a bit.

MewlingQuim · 25/03/2017 20:35

Oops sorry for double post Blush

Quick Google says testosterone gel is for impotence or low sex drive as I thought, but if you normally have sex twice a week he doesn't need it for that Confused

MrsGrim · 25/03/2017 20:39

He's on Tostran gel. It was initially prescribed to help him when he was feeling very lethargic and had a very low mood. He's also been on and off citalopram for the last few years to help with anxiety. We're averaging twice a week as he's on the gel just now but as I said he has the raging horn most days!

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TheDowagerCuntess · 25/03/2017 20:49

Just reading this thread makes me feel anxious MrsG - can't imagine how you must feel. Flowers

This is all about what he wants, isn't it.

NecklessMumster · 25/03/2017 20:56

Find a rude story and read it out to him

Blackbird82 · 25/03/2017 21:21

He sounds like a right pest.

Awful that you tried talking dirty and he corrected you - what a knob!

He gets laid twice a week, he should count himself lucky. Tell him to sort himself out rather than pressurise you for more because it's deeply unattractive.

MrsGrim · 25/03/2017 21:27

Just had a look on Literotica for inspiration and the first thing I saw was bloody incest stories!!!! Might try Mills & Boon first Grin

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SquirrelSquad · 25/03/2017 21:50

Oh crikey, OP - I tried reading aloud a Mills & Boon to DP once. I laughed so hard I actually pissed my pants Blush Grin

MrsGrim · 25/03/2017 21:52

....there you go.. I could chuck in a cheeky wee golden shower for free. He won't know whats hit him!

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Bluntness100 · 25/03/2017 21:56

This isn't from my own experience but I did know a woman, and was friends with her, and she told he she bought porn magazines of some sort with stories in, and she would read them out to her husband, I'm sure you can get erotic literature on line now, so that may be the answer..,,

I doubt he's after mills and boon. More my tv broke and the repair guy,,,,kind of thing,,,

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 25/03/2017 21:58

You haven't convinced me that he's not a dick.

MrsGrim · 25/03/2017 22:01

Well you're entitled to your opinion Being, that's what I came on here for.

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thebakerwithboobs · 25/03/2017 22:19

I know it's not quite the same thing, but would you perhaps find it easier to 'practice' via text? I'm with you, I feel a bit of a prat taking dirty in person but my husband does have a bit of a penchant for it. When he goes away (military) there is a lot of sex texting and there are then times when I only need the odd word or phrase in bed to remind him of a particularly successful text scenario! Not sure if that made sense, but works for us!

HandbagCrazy · 25/03/2017 22:49

If you genuinely want to try it, my tips would be close enough to whisper into his ear - this means he has to stop and pay attention, your breathing sounds will add to the mood and you don't have to look at him so you can concentrate.
Maybe spend some time thinking about what you can / want to say. There are some words I can't use, doesn't matter what mood I'm in.

If he wants you to be more dominant (and you're willing), when he asks you to talk dirty - tell him no, he's going to tell you a story and you're going to listen.

I can't tell from your posts if he's asking you to do things (as in making a request that you can easily say no to) or whining at you because he's not getting what he wants?
If it's option 1, I would talk about it and look into what you can try that you both will benefit from.
If it's option 2, I would tell him he's moaning his way out of a sex life altogether.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 27/03/2017 17:34

I also have a mate who says the storys in porn mags are very erotic, she found her DH's stash & discovered this literature apparently...
I cannot believe he's corrected you when you tried it tbh, I'd tell him to stfu if he didn't like it & wouldn't be trying again.
If it makes you feel uncomfortable then it's not fun so don't do it. Also, he doesn't fucking need more sex, he wants it-there is a vast difference Hmm

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BlackMirror · 27/03/2017 17:56

Google how to talk dirty and there's some.good phrases and ways to say it too. I think the more you do it the more natural ito feels

PineappleExpress · 27/03/2017 18:37

Maybe I'll surprise him with a 12" strap on and see how chatty he is then!

GrinGrinGrin

I'm completely useless at it, too. Mostly because I don't find words that sexy so it feels ridiculous saying stuff out loud. If it turned me on, I'd at least have some inclination that it would work.
I was away visiting family once, and got my friend's girlfriend to write my half of a sexy chat with my the boyfriend for me Grin he had no idea and thought it was amazing. I then used that as an excuse to say I could only et into it when I was away without him so he didn't press the issue.

I do find that most guys just want you to tell them what you want them to do to you. So in a story I would just do a quick bit of an intro then just talk through a session acting out all the sex bits as you go (make him do most of the work, of course, as you need to concentrate Wink) and just make it about what turns you on about having sex.
If he complains about how you're doing it, then tell him to bloody well do it himself.

That said, if you feel really uncomfortable and don't want to do it, tell him you won't be trying any more. It does nothing for you and you don't like being put under pressure. If he can't respect that, then I'm afraid Being is right and he is a dick

MrsGrim · 27/03/2017 19:57

Thanks for all the responses. I've not tried anymore sexy chat yet but did surprise him this afternoon when we got home early from town. Nice undies, heels, all the obvious stuff. Took the lead and had the kind of sex that I wanted to have. He seemed very appreciative Grin

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