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Sex

The biggest secret in our marriage

18 replies

pinkandpinot · 22/03/2017 23:05

Hi, sorry this could be a long post but please can anyone help?

Hoping to find someone (anyone) out there who can advise me or offer some help with my situation. I think it's really unusual and would appreciate any words of wisdom.

Have been with my OH (now husband) for 10 years and married nearly 4, we are in our late 20s. Sex has never been a huge part of our relationship - I had body insecurities when I was younger and overweight so never really was wild for sex, and we have always been the kind of couple who do more kissing and cuddling than anything else.

Anyway, to the point. I knew from early on that he had a small willy and I was ok with that, we managed to have sex a handful of times at the start of our relationship but because we were both virgins I guess I would find it hard to have rated whether it was good or bad. However, what I hadn't known until much later on in the relationship and marriage was what a big deal this was for him I guess both physically and psychologically. He would never bring up the subject himself but whenever I force the issue it is obvious what an impact it has on him. He now seems to be unable to perform - he can get a hard on but loses it the instant we try to have sex or even if I try to give him a hand job. He will never initiate anything sexual and I now feel that it puts him under huge pressure if I try to. So I rarely do.

I know it seems insane that this has been going on all these years, but I have stupidly let time pass by and only recently tried to confront him about it properly because I have been worried to upset him. In our 10 year relationship we have not had penetrative sex AT ALL since 2009 (which was a failed attempt). I really mean it when I say I love him very dearly....... is this worth ending a relationship over? On the one hand it is a huge issue, on the other hand we have got this far?

The added concern now is that we are both keen to start a family. I have asked him if he will see a doctor about his penis (which is extremely small - like a medical problem I would say). Initially through tears he agreed but then did not do anything about it. I can understand how hugely embarrassing this would be for him an he says he doesnt think there would be anything that they could do for him anyway, but I selfishly wish he would try. He has agreed to go to the doctors after we have been "trying for a baby"!!!!!! for a year (I came off the pill last summer). we can then get through the questions (ie lie and say we are having regular sex) and then hopefully eventually get to have IVF so that we can finally achieve our dream of starting a family.

Am I mad to be over-worrying about this scenario, or am I mad to be in this relationship and should I ignore all the things I love about him because of this one problem which is a physical thing and not even his fault in the slightest? Can our otherwise great marriage end over this weird problem?

I feel so alone with this as I cant obviously tell a soul so any advice would be appreciated. Has anyone possibly been in this situation themselves?

Thanks guys. X

OP posts:
itsmine · 23/03/2017 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blink182 · 23/03/2017 10:47
HelenaGWells · 23/03/2017 11:16

we can then get through the questions (ie lie and say we are having regular sex) and then hopefully eventually get to have IVF so that we can finally achieve our dream of starting a family.

I really wouldn't advise this at all. I totally understand your upset but IVF is incredibly invasive, expensive and emotional. Some people spend years trying to get through this system. You can't just rock up and lie to them and expect IVF treatment when there are other ways to solve this.

Just the infertility tests alone will involve him having to "perform" so his samples can be tested. You likely won't get through the process without addressing the actual reality of your situation and if they discover you have lied then you can probably say goodbye to any form of help.

You need to go and be honest about the situation. There are likely other far less invasive ways to solve your problem. For a start if he can ejaculate via masturbation you could do a DIY insemination at home. If he can't even ejaculate via masturbation you won't get past round one of fertility tests without admitting the real issue.

Please don't put yourself into the infertility system when that is not your issue. Seeking help for a problem that may well not exist is not the answer. All you are doing is taking up resources from those who have no other option. You have other options, use them. He needs to suck it up and get past his embarrassment.

As a PP has shown there is information available about your situation and there are others in the same boat. Please read up, get informed and try and solve the issues you face rather than trying to skirt them by lying about the problem.

He won't be the first or the last with this issue but if you lie about it nothing changes. If you are honest then there are likely things that can be done.

Liska · 23/03/2017 11:44

There's a lot more going on here than just how to try for a baby. Many couples have happy and satisfying sex lives with very small penises - the link above emphasises this. And if you'd like to have a good sex life it seems possible, but sex is mostly in the head, and it sounds as if it's his psychological block that's stopping it. He'd probably be reluctant, but therapy could change his life, and yours. As for IVF, please don't lie to the doctors. There are so many ways that that could go wrong and come back on you

Dozer · 23/03/2017 11:47

You would not be at all unreasonable to leave your sexless marriage.

Having DC in the current circumstances would not be a good idea.

Dozer · 23/03/2017 11:48

The problem isn't his penis, it's the sex issues and that you have gone through years and years together and not addressed it.

2014newme · 23/03/2017 11:51

We spent £20k on ivf plus 5 years of very invasive medical treatment. It was extremely stressful. It's not the easy option here I am afraid you are very naive about what ivf involves. you will be lying in the operating theatre wishing you had told the truth.
I hope it works out for you. If he won't go to the Dr, go on your own. 💐

Racmactac · 23/03/2017 13:34

Thing is he may have an issue with size of his penis but there are other things you can do to have a sexual relationship. I'm presuming you are not doing those things either?

Sounds awful and I for one could not stay if he's not even prepared to discuss it or be honest about it.

Do not bring kids into this and do not lie to get ivf. I think you have serious marital issues before you start having kids.

Bitchfromhell · 23/03/2017 13:39

You need to see a relationship counsellor together. Don't bring kids into this until you can talk about it without him crying. Your gp can help with this or try relate.

Once you're happy and ready to ttc google "the stork" I think it works pretty well for some couples.

Bitchfromhell · 23/03/2017 13:40

Sorry, bad cut a paste above, please ignore the "without him crying" comment Confused

purplecoathanger · 23/03/2017 13:47

I'm pretty sure there's nothing medically to be done for a small penis. Your relationship sounds very loving, caring and supportive, which is lovely and can be more important than sex.

When it comes to starting a family, the important thing is viable sperm. If his sperm is good then there are ways around things. In fact with counselling you may well be able to have penetrative sex and start a family in just the same way as anyone else.

A small penis doesn't mean you can't have a loving and fulfilling sex life. He could benefit from counselling in order to come to terms with his body and your relationship. Then perhaps joint counselling to go forward together. Good luck with it all.

Dozer · 23/03/2017 14:46

If of course you WANT to be with him.

Gallavich · 23/03/2017 21:16

Don't lie to get IVF. That's dishonest and very foolish.
Does he masturbate? Can he ejaculate? If he literally never orgasms then I would suspect he is asexual and/or has very low testosterone.
If he can masturbate then you can try to conceive that way if you want to.
Can you try to regain some physical intimacy without any expectation of sex? Naked cuddles, or topless, or massage?

PotatoesPastaAndBread · 24/03/2017 17:41

OP I feel like i can relate to this from​ the other side. My DH and i were together for eleven years before i faced up to the vaginismus that meant we never had penetrative sex. For us it was also TTC that finally made me face it. Ironically we then could not get pregnant and ended up having ivf - four years and £15k later and we're still trying. I do not recommend that as a solution.

I had to face up to my reluctance deal with something embarrassing to talk about, that made me different from "normal" people, and with no easy solution. But it was also dubbing me crazy. I literally thought about it every single day, multiple times a day. About how i was a freak. At least now that mental anguish has gone.

One positive for us was that we did have a sexual relationship before i sought help, just not penetrative sex. So we knew we did want that and we enjoyed it and that the intimacy was vital for us. However sex never was and still isn't very frequent or adventurous - but it works for us. And knowing we're different but we trust each other is again important for intimacy and closeness.

Seeking treatment for the actual problem was a mixed experience. Some health professionals were brilliant. Some were clueless. With the support of my husband we made it through and genuinely it brought us closer.

It's not going to be easy for either of you. I don't think you should settle for a sexless relationship if that's not what you want. Your husband will need your support to get through this. But also he does need to be the one to step forward and seek help. If he won't then it's not easy but you'll need to think about what that means for your future.

I wish you all the best.

Chinnygirl · 24/03/2017 17:55

Use a home insemination set. Problem solved. We did (erection dysfunction) and we were not the only one. We are getting fertility treatments and boy, I don't wish it on anyone. There is no use in lying and they have heard it all before. They don't care if you have sex, they are only interested in the mechanics

Huskylover1 · 28/03/2017 22:05

Sorry, but my advice would be to leave. You are only late 20's. Time to find someone else, with a normal sex drive and a nice big penis (sorry to be so graphic). When you reach your mid 30's, your sex drive is going to hit the roof. He isn't going to be able to satisfy your needs. Don't tie yourself to him by having children. It's all very well getting along, but most people need good sex. Personally, I could punch a wall, if I go a few weeks without (due to work shifts) and I am 47! If DH didn't make up for that with mind blowing sex, I would not stay.

TiredCluelessMummy · 28/03/2017 22:23

The answer to your question about ending your marriage over this has got to come from you. You can see from the responses that many people think sex is a deal breaker. It would be for me too. But not everyone cares about sex so don't let other people's expectations of marriage skew your view. Are you happy with your DH? Would you like to have sex? Or are you perfectly happy to never have sex again? Do you feel that you and DH achieve intimacy and closeness in other ways? Or do you feel that there is a connection missing? I don't necessarily agree that it's wrong to bring children into this situation, but that depends if your marriage is a happy one despite the sexlessness, or if you actually have deep issues that you aren't addressing.

As others have said, IVF is not a quick fix or a guaranteed solution. It's incredibly invasive and not a pleasant process at all. There's also the ethical issue of tying up resources that you don't actually need and making them even more inaccessible to somebody who does need them. If DH is able to achieve ejaculation then, as PPs have said, you can try DIY insemination at home.

supermumofmany · 28/04/2017 02:22

WIth IVF after being tested if his swimmers are good and your eggs are good I'd doubt you'd get far in the process

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