Performance anxiety..

(11 Posts)
lastnicknamefree Thu 09-Mar-17 16:33:53

I have a new partner, he's incredibly shy anyway and when we have tried to have sex (twice now) he hasn't been able to get hard.
He says he always suffers from performance anxiety and to bear with him. Which is ok, I can do that of course. Saying anything even slightly negative will make matters worse so I'm being absolutely fine about it all and we're just having dates with no sex right now so he can get more confidence and comfortable around me, hopefully it will translate to the bedroom in time. I don't really know what I'm asking here, just for any experiences, thoughts or advice on this topic at all I guess.

OP’s posts: |
babyunicornvomit Thu 09-Mar-17 16:38:53

I had an ex like this (he isn't an ex for that reason!)
He was so shy and anxious, and I wasn't very confident about my body. So the first few times we did it with the lights off grin once he knew he could 'do it' he was fine. Also, lots of kissing, undress each other, cuddle naked under a duvet that kind of thing. Get comfortable around each others bodies. Lots of foreplay smile

babyunicornvomit Thu 09-Mar-17 16:40:28

Also - make it known to him that you like it that he told you and it makes you trust him (even if you don't have this opinion!)
Honesty is sexy! Lol

lastnicknamefree Thu 09-Mar-17 16:41:39

Thanks, that's really helpful. Can you remember how long it took to get to the point of actually having sex?
Interestingly, if I go down on him he can get semi erect and orgasm but not fully hard.

OP’s posts: |
lastnicknamefree Thu 09-Mar-17 16:44:38

I did like that he was honest with me yes. He actually called me to tell me before I went to his house one night (probably because he felt it was imminent) and say he was feeling a bit nervous about it because it's happened before and now he's totally got into a pattern of overthinking and worrying it's not going to get hard, of course it's a self fulfilling thing!

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NotTheFordType Thu 09-Mar-17 19:48:39

How old are you? If you're 48 and 38 then yeah this is normal.

babyunicornvomit Thu 09-Mar-17 20:14:59

I was with my ex about 6 months and it was maybe a couple of months? Spent a bit of that just dating until I went to his house and things though smile

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lastnicknamefree Thu 09-Mar-17 20:31:22

Not sure the significance of those particular ages nottheford but we're early 40's.

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BoobleMcB Fri 10-Mar-17 10:04:21

Like PPS has said, just allow lots of naked cuddling etc, maybe showers together?

And there's no reason he can't still pleasure you, with his hands, mouth etc. Do you have any toys he could use on you? Basically remove any pressure on him to 'perform'.

lastnicknamefree Fri 10-Mar-17 12:26:22

Thanks boobie good advice. Will continue to do that, and see what happens!

OP’s posts: |
DevilMakesWork Sat 18-Mar-17 06:16:16

Yes, what Boobie said. You need to have encounters that aren't reliant on his penis.

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