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My partner can't come(26 Posts)
Ok, this is a bit difficult to post, I'm hoping someone can help/point me in the direction of help!
In a nutshell- my partner can't come. Not during sex/foreplay or with my help. He can come alone but it takes up to 2 hours.
We really want to start trying for a baby next year - he's worried and I'm worried too! He says he's never been able to come with anyone, he's had three partners and it's just never happened. I'm his first serious relationship, we've been together nearly a year. I have a child from a previous relationship, and the area we live in doesn't offer ivf.
What can we do? Any suggestions? He has quite a stressful job, he likes to be in control (of himself- not me, genuinely lovely guy, I've been in a terrible and controlling relationship before, he's totally different!) and struggles to let go. He considers masturbation (for him) a deeply private thing and the worst aspect of himself as he doesn't like letting go. He's also on a very low dose of antidepressant which is more for his reassurance than anything - he says his doctor has said he technically doesn't need it any more, but if being on it reassures him then she'll prescribe it a bit longer.
I dont think this is an easy fix... but time is not on our side in terms of my age (early menopause in my family, is a worry) and I'd be really upset not to have another child and he'd be absolutely gutted. He adores my child, and he really wants more - he'd given up on the idea of having a family and then by chance met me.
I don't know what to do. He seems to think it'll fix itself in time. I don't think it will. I don't mean to be pessimistic, but I feel that if he hates 'letting go' enough to come and it takes up to 2 hours alone, there's a problem.
Ok, that's long. Sorry.
Any advice appreciated!
One, get some couples sexual counselling , you'll prob have to pay, may or may not work,
... sounds as though he could need therapy which can take a long time.
But might be the best in the long run.
Two. To get pregnant, buy a turkey baster...
Three, go to the GP ( they might help on One, too) and see what the options are.
The jury's out on the impact of porn..
One: No,he doesn't (he says he doesn't anyway! Finds it boring. To be fair, I prefer written porn over watching it!)
Orlanda: Thank you- I was thinking counselling or therapy but we can't afford it - I'm assuming it'd be quite a long process? He has jokingly said to get a turkey baster before, but now I'm wondering if there might actually be some weight to the idea! I am trying to gently encourage him to go to the GP, he's a bit reluctant as it's the same GP he's had since he was 7 and a lady so I think he's a bit embarrassed.
He can change GP.
But actually I've just re read your OP and I see that you have been together less than a year! IMVO you should not even dream about TTC with this man yet. You haven't even got a functional sexual relationship, you are his first serious relationship, you can't have been living together that long, if even? Are you really so desperate for a baby you are willing to just settle for this rushed barely functioning relationship?
It is called delayed ejaculation, there are physical and mental causes. It can be caused by excessive masturbation (typically to porn) but him taking 2 hours alone would lead me to think its not that. Stress or having it drummed into him that sex is dirty could be psychological causes, but there are so many possibilities that he really needs to see a GP about this.
If he is embarrassed by a female doctor he needs to sort that out not just because of this but once a guy reaches a certain age his prostate should be checked from time to time. (Yes I've had it done multiple times by both male and female GPs its an event which isn't as big a deal as usually suggested)
I'm not the quickest, stress is my cause and I get desensitised if sex goes on too long but I have 2 DCs so it can be over come (no pun intended).
Did his problem with coming exist before you mentioned ttc? I'm just wondering if he's perhaps subconsciously worried about conceiving?
Also anti-depressents, even at low doses are well known for preventing/delaying orgasm. My dp was on a small dose of Sertraline and couldn't cum no matter how much he tried. This problem started within a week of starting the Sertraline and went away again pretty much as soon as he stopped. I know on times we had sex when he had missed a tablet he didn't have any difficulties but as soon as he took his next dose tue problem was back.
Not sure what I'm suggesting really but perhaps he might get on better with an alternative anti-depressent?
My DH was put on a low dose of antidepressant citalopram for high blood pressure and within a week was having this problem. After two weeks he stopped the medication and within a week was back to normal.
Sounds like he needs to come off those anti depressants. Otherwise there isn't much point in using any other interventions.
I take ridiculously long to orgasm on the smallest dose of fluoxetine.
If his doc thinks there's no need for him to be on them, then it seems to be the correct path to take.
Blimy onewithteforce, who pissed on your chips? That's quite a leap rushed barely functioning relationship is that your life you are talking about, doesn't sound looks the op's.
Op this is quite a common thing, delayed ejaculation. He can always change his gp but do some research on the net too.
Turkey baster is a good option though.
SSRIs are well known for this so if he's on one of those it could be a factor.
Although you say he reports never being able to ejaculate without a lot of effort. Does the problem predate the medication? He could do with talking to a Dr about this.
I actually agree with onewiththeforce. Sounds like this man has some MAJOR sexual hang ups which doesn't bode well for a happy and fulfilling romantic and sexual relationship going forward. It's a new relationship of less than a year. And it's his first relationship. Not an ideal scenario to be planning a baby, as far as I'm concerned.
How long has he been on the anti depressants ?
a man she has known less than a year and has yet to have full sex with yet she is planning a baby? A man who has never been in a serious relationship before let alone one where he is a step parent. A man who cant work out how to change his GP. yep, sounds like a great basis to have a baby.
I agree with One actually. And I can speak with experience. It may not matter now in the flushed rose tiny of New love but these situations can have you climbing the walls in a few years.
My advice would be try and sort the physical /sexual problem out first before committing to any kind of family planning.
Can people seriously contemplate and be overjoyed to impregnate themselves with something from the Lakeland catalogue?
I always thought that was a joke. Everyday on MN is a school day though.
TBF the OP said trying for a baby next year which could be 2018.
Until you know what a GP can offer there isn't much you can do to move forward, seeing a different GP won't be a problem and his response about the GP sounds like an excuse. Not that I don't appreciate this is hard for him.
I think a course of counselling might cost less than a child though so you must have some money somewhere or save for a while. But firstly go to GP
He needs to come off the anti depressants and get some psycho sexual therapy for his sexual dysfunction.
Please use contraception in the meantime regardless of whether he seeks help or not.
Hi - thanks for your replies so far, I wasn't expecting this many! To clarify a couple of things, I said we'd been together nearly a year - it'll be a year at the end of March. We weren't planning on TTC on the first of January - actually more like the summer, so in about 18 months time almost. That to me doesn't feel too fast as we'll have been together around 2 and a half years - but I appreciate your concern, maybe we need to have another talk together. Perhaps I should have said in an ideal world we'd like to be in a position to TTC next summer (so 2018).
I'm his first serious relationship because he's not felt like settling down previously - I didn't see that as a problem, as I guess everyone has to start being serious somewhere?
It's really useful to hear that it's quite common and that it could well be the antidepressants- from what I understand he is on a very low dose but previously his doctor has said she has no concerns about him coming off them so perhaps it's the first thing we look at. He said that he doesn't remember having problems prior to being on them (4 years, the last year his dose has been lowered).
Ooh sorry, replies while I was typing. I thought we were trying to sort out things out before TTC - which is why I posted on here. If it is as easy (easy seems the wrong word to use here though) as coming off antidepressants then that's fab - we'll keep using contraception and try for a baby when we're ready. And it still might take months. If it's more complicated- which it seems it might be, then we'll know it'll be more complicated and will be looking at counselling that's been suggested and going back to his GP. I didn't really see his reluctance to go as an excuse - I get very flustered going to the GP for anything (always feel rushed!) But we'll definitely talk more about it. I guess I just wanted some support with this. It's not something I've come across before and we both want to have children. So it made sense to me to ask somewhere I knew there'd be a wide range of people.
I didn't see that as a problem, as I guess everyone has to start being serious somewhere?
It's not a problem specifically if it was just a relationship you were talking about. but when you are planning a baby it is is maybe a good reason to give it some extra time as first serious relationships can throw up issues that people who have been there before can pre empt and handle better. Basically, he hasn't done this before, less than a year is a bit soon to be deciding to have his baby.
I know what you mean about GP sppts Caffeinated I always feel guilty and rushed (and I pay for mine !!!)
I'm sure he has fear of coming off the ADs - I guess the mindset would be fear of sinking into depression again without recognising it, and being sure that it's not the ADs making you feel better, but your natural state.
And if he did suffer further episodes of depression it's something you need to factor into your relationship. Especially with a child to consider.
It's difficult, and I think it needs to be GP led and supported. I manage my depression with CBT, as I was afraid of relying long term on ADs. It can be done, but it's not easy.
The antidepressant might really be affecting his ability to come. I'm on them for pmdd and it takes me a lot longer to come than it used to.