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Am I overreacting? BJ blues(16 Posts)
DH and I have mismatched sex drives. His is fairly low and I have quite a high sex drive but I also have major confidence issues when it comes to initiating sex. I think about initiating quite regular and run it through my head a hundred times but I bottle it so we tend to only ever have sex when he wants it which is not very often. I know I should be over those issues by now we've been together for 8 years but it knocks my confidence a lot because in the past he has fallen to sleep when I try initiating or I get rejected.
So two days ago I gave it another shot when we got into bed, I started touching him and he was hard but while I was playing with him I could hear him start to snore. Usually at this point I would get upset and probably cry myself to sleep feeling rejected and unloved but I decided to give him a BJ to see if it would wake him up.
It did wake him up and he was really enjoying it, which I love as it's a huge turn on for me. Usually oral sex is only part of fore play for us but on this occasion he finished which I didn't mind
I nipped to the bathroom to clean up and when I came back, he kissed me on the cheek, turned over and went to sleep.
I felt like I was back at stage one feeling completely rejected and unloved.
Am I being unreasonable to have expected at least an attempt to please me?
I got myself all worked up and excited while giving him head to be left feeling very unsatisfied and a bit rejected.
We're also two days along now with no attempt to make up for it and I'm extremely sexually frustrated over the whole situation
The poor bugger was obviously knackered! The only circumstance in which I have ever conked out while somebody was having a twiddle with me has been when I am absolutely bone-tired and was on the point of falling asleep when they started. It wouldn't matter who was doing it - my partner at the time, George Clooney or the pope - if I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open then I am going to pass out, regardless of whose ego it may bruise.
I can't help but think that the issue here is the extremeness of your reaction (getting upset/crying/feeling rejected) to someone falling asleep when you - by your own admission - only started stimulating them when they were halfway through conking out.
As I say, if I fell asleep while someone was stimulating me, came to for the event itself and was flat out and snoring by the time they got back from the bathroom afterwards, I clearly needed the sleep!
In more concise terms: yes, I'd say you're being entirely unreasonable. You don't have an entitlement to a sexual partner being awake and willing to perform whenever you feel like it.
People don't fall asleep because they're rejecting you - they fall asleep because they're tired.
If this is an isolated incident, I would let it go and try again when he's actually awake.
If it's a recurring theme then no, YANBU and should address it with him. I spent 2 years being rejected and not sexually satisfied. Did me a lot of harm.
People do fall asleep when they're tired. They also work hard at living to make sure their partners are appreciated and sexually satisfied. Falling asleep isn't necessarily the problem, it's the failure to engage two days later.
Is your partner this tired all the time? Maybe there is an undiagnosed health issue here.
Have you ever tried communicating with him? All thisnstiff you are feeling is probably easily avoided by simple conversation
I think everyone is different. Some people are never too tired for sex. You just need to bring this up, outside of the bedroom
The sleep thing is quite common for him, he calls it his magic trick. He's one of those really annoying people that fall to sleep as soon as their head hits the pillow. One night he said good night, got comfy and I counted five breaths before his breathing changed and I could tell he was asleep. He could sleep on a washing line. He thinks it's fantastic obviously but quite frustrating for me.
So he wasn't over tired, he'd had the day off of work and we'd spent the day watching movies while DD was at school and we went out for some lunch.
It's quite common for him to just go straight to sleep without giving me a second thought because he's just not as interested in sex as I am.
We have spoken about it before and things did get better for a while but quickly reverted back to normal. He had told me to initiate more, and I did try but found myself feeling hurt more by being rejected than if we just didn't have sex so I stopped
I know how you feel as it's the same for dp and myself. We have spoke about it many times as it gets me down as I feel more like a lodger than in a relationship. All I can suggest is keep talking to him about it. Write down how it makes you feel so you won't forget when you have the conversation. We have both tried really hard and worked together, we have even set a day/week to do it so we are both happy. Our plan has worked for two months so far so yes still early days but worth a go in my opinion.
Why dont you have sex in the morning? We rarely have sex in the evening.
You need to keep the communication open. If you know he falls asleep as soon as he gets to bed you need a new strategy. Morning (or afternoon) sex, or before you're in bed? I'm always exhausted last thing at night so we have to do it another time because with even the best intentions I'm always too tired at night.
I think you need to decide whether you can continue in a relationship that leaves you feeling frustrated, rejected and undesirable.
Obviously he has the right to refuse sex, but you have the right to consider leaving, or getting it elsewhere.
if his drive is that low, would he consider opening the relationship to let you have a FWB? It might actually take the pressure off him and be a relief. This has worked for some close friends of mine (although in their case the DH had a medical problem which affected his libido and ability to perform - not sure if that's the case for you.)
Morning sex is a no no unfortunately. We have 2 children age 8 months and 5 years. Last time we tried early morning sex when we thought everyone was asleep it resulted in DD1 running in asking if I was ok
Early evening sex is a possibility I suppose but I don't relax away from the dark comfort of our bed. I've never been able to relax enough to reach orgasm away from the bedroom. Although I do enjoy the occasional quickie on the sofa, I don't want to settle for just a quickie every time.
And suggesting an early night doesn't work, he doesn't get the hint. Last time I suggested an early night about 9pm we went to bed and I snuggled up to him and started sort of just touching his torso, just feeling his body and his reaction was "I thought you wanted an early night?" Turned over and went to sleep
An open relationship isn't an option, I wouldn't want that for me or him but nobody else would have me anyway I don't want to leave him, I just want him to be more sensitive to my needs. I try my god damn hardest to please him however he wants I'd do anything for him. And when he tries, my god he is good in bed! He just doesn't try very often.
I am going to have to have another talk with him. He has sensed something is off with my mood today so when the kids are asleep I shall bring it up. Although what the hell do I say without upsetting him?
Don't tell him that your angry or nothing. Just ask him how he feels about you and then tell him how you think he feels and the way you actually feel. Be sensitive towards him. Tell him you both need a long term plan that you both can and will do. Try not to be too greedy (I could have it everyday but settled for once a week lol), tell him how much you love him, even tell him how he makes you feel when you do do it. Hope it goes well for you