Cannot tell a living soul

[Hollslou]

Morning ladies and gents,

I have posted here a few times before but have changed name as this is such a personal topic.

I realise what I'm about to say probably sounds insane but I can't speak to anyone about it and it's killing me :(

Have been with DH for 10 years, happily married for 4. Since our first few dates we have always talked about starting a family and our future children etc and in the last few months I have come off the pill so we can start TTC. However there is a HUGE elephant in the room . We haven't had full on penetrative sex for years.... You would wonder how you manage that and it has really bothered me but he just hasn't seemed interested in sex and been very dismissive when I have tried to initiate it.

Think we both idiotically thought I would come off the pill and we would just magically start having sex and get pregnant. How ridiculous!

Anyway I have been getting really down about this. He said he had just lost his confidence and wanted me to dress up/initiate it so I did. Problem is he has a tiny willy. Sorry to say this but it's true... When it's down its barely visible/ like a small baby on an adult body, then when erect it's fuller but still small. Sorry to overshare!
So after quite a lot of work I managed to get it up but as soon as he tried to get inside me it just instantly goes flaccid again. We tried a few times but to be honest I just wanted it to be over, it was humiliating for us both.

He admitted he was worried about it and felt different and we decided we needed to go to the doctors because our common goal is to have children and that's currently not possible I don't think unless anyone can tell me otherwise from your experiences. Anyway this conversation abour going to the doctor was a couple of months ago now and nothing has happened. I didn't want to push. I understand this will be a lot more humiliating for him than me but it effects our future. I brought it up with him again yesterday and he just said he didn't feel he could go because it was just too humiliating and he couldn't face this.

I'm so desperate for a baby and have been waiting years for him to be ready. Finally he is and now we can't conceive or discuss it with anyone for help because it's such an unusual problem.

If you made it all the way to the end, thank you for reading. Feels good to vent. Any advice would be so welcome, thanks x

[chocoholic89]

Arh such a difficult situation for you both, the doctor will not bat a eyelid tell him to go, it's all confidential anyway.

[QODRestYeMerryGentlemen]

I've answered on your other thread

[00100001]

Defintiely go to the doctor.


Sex isn't just about PIV. How about some mutual masturbation or massage? or just a a heavy petting session?

Also take the "pressure" off by putting babies to one side for a while (easier said than done, I know) try and enjoy each others bodies again.

[Laylajoh]

Be as supportive as you can, because this must be very difficult for him. Remind him of the bigger picture here and the ultimate goal, which, I assume, he shares with you. Overcoming this problem for your family and future children will then seem more doable.

[humblesims]

I think that if your married life and sex life are otherwise good (i.e you have plenty of intimacy and non penetrative sex)that you have to try and separate the problem from the emotion. Consider it a mechanical problem (which it is) rather than a relationship problem and as with all mechanical problems take it to an expert. In this case the GP. It is not an uncommon problem (I dont think - I'm no an expert in any way) and they will take it seriously. They will know that he is uncomfortable. I can completely understand that your DH will find it difficult but you are going to have to just get your big girl and boy pants on and be brave, together and go for it. How would he react if you took charge and made the appointment and cajoled him into going. I am sure you have both been building it up into a big unsolvable problem. Make today the day that you tackle it head on (I'm so trying not to use double entrendres here and failing badly!). Take the first step and Good Luck with ttc. x

[haveacupoftea]

This is maybe not helpful, but lots of people on the conception board conceived using the 'turkey baster' method for whatever reason, often sexual dysfunction. You should still see the GP though as it sounds like you dont want to spend your life this way.

[NotTheFordType]

It sounds like he may have a condition called micro penis, it's not that uncommon. When you normally have sex, does he ejaculated with oral or masturbation?

[LittleOyster]

Sorry you and your DH are going through this OP. My DH and I had some very, very similar problems when we were TTC 5 years ago. I bought him some supplements (might have been the male pre-conception ones), lots of zinc, etc and that was enough for us to DTD a few times and then our daughter was conceived.

Good luck.

[MinesAGin]

Are you happy to live without sex, OP?

[MinesAGin]

Sorry, I mean, will you be able to live like that?

[PickAChew]

So the sex wasn't so bad that you didn't feel the need to go on the pill... Surely this wasn't a surprising new issue to you?

[Jayfee]

Definitely see the doctor. There are lots of treatments to help. Size isnt that important...technique is.

[Yoarchie]

If you live happily without sex and it's "just" a question of conceiving (sorry to be graphic) but in your position, I would use those ovulation sticks that you wee on and they tell you if you're fertile and him have a wank and then manually inseminate?

[Amber0685]

I have heard of a person getting pregnant by injecting the semen after her partner masturbated, using a medicine syringe (no needle).

[NotMyPenguin]

I had friends in a very similar situation who got pregnant (after much angst) after following the suggestion that DH should ejaculate into a Mooncup (!) which the DW then inserted and lifted legs in the air etc.

They were very happy. I think they did have a fulfilling sex life, though, just not PIV.

On the other hand, I was in a long marriage to somebody who just had a very very low sex drive, and although we tried to conceive for some time found out in the end that we couldn't due to very low sperm count we weren't able to. And the marriage broke down, in a large part because we weren't able to have children together. I have to admit that it was a blessing in disguise as I was increasingly sad and unhappy about being in a sexless marriage, although he was (and is) a lovely person who is very dear to me. So perhaps also one to think about.

Weirdly I did also have an ex-boyfriend who could have sex for absolutely hours but almost never managed to ejaculate. We broke up ages ago and he is now happily married, but I have sometimes wondered if the reason he and his wife don't have children is because of his unusual problem. You are definitely not alone in having an unusual problem with TTC and I wish you lots of strength in dealing with it.