I need more he's not so fussed

(20 Posts)
NCToDiscussSex Thu 21-Jan-16 11:57:22

My H and I are perfectly happy in every way that I can think of, except for the sex department.

As a parents and partners we work really well as a team, are on the same page, have similar expectations and are loving, kind and generous to each other. It's exactly the kind of marriage that I hoped for in terms of our day to day lives. But we don't get it on enough for my taste.

We've talked about it plenty, we try for a while, it perks up and then wanes. I have been in this position before and have been open and honest. But we don't maintain the regularity of it.

Other intimacies carry on. We kiss plenty, hug, hold hands, physically touch each other as we pass, it's just that final thing.

If I push it we will do it, but it's about the least sexy thing in the world for me feeling that I have to practically beg for sex, so by the time we get round to it I'm irritated and feeling turned off. I take care of things solo regularly to keep me ticking along, but obviously I'd infinitely prefer my husband to be involved.

He's been like this for a while now. I think (know) he fancies me it's just that sex isn't high on his agenda. I am perfectly happy to compromise and as much as I would love it two or three times a week I would be fine with once to twice a month, but I need a connection as part of my broader relationship.

We have a 4 year old and 1 year old which I know has an impact but frankly we are past it preventing anything happening.

I'd like some excitement and spice back in that part of my life and know I will need into this gently for him. Without outing myself he has good reason for having some fairly strong emotions regarding sex as a result of some particularly horrific things that happened to one of his family members. But he will not deal with it and insists it's not an issue. I obviously disagree.

Any tips and advice? Do I just need to get over my dislike of initiating and accept that that has to be part of it if I want it? Or what?

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Toystory4 Thu 21-Jan-16 15:38:13

I think it is hard to change people if they have always been that way (has he, bar the obvious early stage?) was it like this before kids or just since?

Does he always respond if you initiate as if he does then I think you need to just accept that bit and take the lead.

Maybe he does need counselling but you can't force him to go down that route, only keep encouraging.

NCToDiscussSex Thu 21-Jan-16 16:46:53

Thanks for replying ToyStory

He's always had a lower drive than me but it's become more noticeable since having the kids.

If I try to initiate he'll mostly say yes and in return I try not to push him too regularly. But being pushed to ask for it so bluntly really turns me off.

I think perhaps it'll be easier for me to change that mindset than to change his. I knew this when we married.

Once he gets going and in the mood it's good and I enjoy it and he has no issues physically which is obviously a good thing.

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TurnOffTheTv Thu 21-Jan-16 16:52:43

How often would you like to versus the reality? Obviously 5 times a week vs. Once a month is a bit more tricky.

NCToDiscussSex Thu 21-Jan-16 17:03:39

The reality is we do it once every couple of months at the moment. Ideally I'd want once or twice a week but could compromise on once or twice a month with the other affection in between.

I'm just going to proposition him tonight. winkget the ball rolling.

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TurnOffTheTv Thu 21-Jan-16 17:17:57

Oh. That isn't very often is it? Has he always been like this?

NCToDiscussSex Thu 21-Jan-16 17:21:38

On and off yes. He's open to talking about it but we've not worked out how to maintain regularity. It's just not as important to him but if I ask he's fine as long as it's not constant. I find it harder because everything else is spot on. I've no other concerns. X

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NCToDiscussSex Thu 21-Jan-16 17:21:55

Oops. Random habitual kiss. Sorry

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LowerBackPain Thu 21-Jan-16 18:27:31

Hello! I am afraid that I do not have any advice but just wanted to say that I am in the same boat. I have three small children but that is not the reason we get no intimacy. It is always me initiating it and very often I feel rejected when he refuses, to the point that I stopped trying. Apart from that, we have a very loving relationship and no other complaints but for me sex is very important and this has caused great unhappiness. To the point that I told him seriously that I would consider leaving if things did not changed.. Lately I think I really mean it, as I am not even 40 and cannot envisage the rest of my life without sex and without feeling wanted..... Not helpful to you but just wanted to say that you are not alone.... Wish you all the best!

NCToDiscussSex Thu 21-Jan-16 18:48:26

Hey lower. I'm sorry you're in the same situation. It's rotten isn't it. thanks

I think half of it is the actual sex and half is the fact I don't feel desired. It's nice to feel sexy and wanted.

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Toystory4 Thu 21-Jan-16 18:50:05

I think it will probably get worse as he gets older too. Sex drive often reduces in men the older they get (I accept there will be exceptions). Do you know if he ever sorts himself out/watches porn as this can impact I think. If he doesn't then it's not going to be easy to change the current situation.

LowerBackPain Thu 21-Jan-16 19:36:21

I also think it will be worse as the time passes.... But late forties is not that old, right?

Toystory4 Thu 21-Jan-16 21:27:08

It's not but it's not mid 20's either. I think a mans sex drive reduces As they get older for sure. I was seeing a 52 year old and he started promisingly but within 9 months it was down to once a month. We didn't last much longer but had nothing to lose as didn't have kids or anything to keep us together. There were other reasons too but I felt he was becoming a pipe and slippers fella way before his time. I have found that of older guys have lost their passion for life and with it their passion! I think I maybe choose the wrong types!!!

NCToDiscussSex Thu 21-Jan-16 21:54:43

I'm pretty certain he sorts himself out so I'm not so worried about drive being completely on the wane. Maybe it's just a communication thing, if so we can work on it. If it IS a drive thing I'm going to have decide what I can live with and speak to him seriously about it.

If you don't mind tmi I just took him to bed and told him what I wanted and it was awesome. So skill is ok, it's just frequency.

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LowerBackPain Thu 21-Jan-16 22:58:03

that is good, if he enjoys it, there is hope I think.

Bluedots Sun 24-Jan-16 11:14:54

Hi, just wanted to say, also in the same boat. At least you touch, kiss, cuddle. I don't get any of that. The last time we were intimate was 3 years ago. Since then I've stopped trying as was always me who initiated it and most times rejected. We have 2 young kids. I do feel for you. Hurts to feel not wanted. Hugs to you x

TheFuzz Mon 25-Jan-16 00:02:03

Has he had the snip. There are a number of not mentioned issues of chronic pain but also testosterone drops due to nerve damage. I'm a bloke and have suffered both these post snip and my drive has dropped. Even been put on hormone replacement which is very hit and miss.

LaurieFairyCake Mon 25-Jan-16 06:56:54

You need an open and honest discussion about this. If he is masturbating on the side regularly (once a week or more) then it's a relationship or psych thing.

If he's not wanking and actually has a low sex drive then you need to encourage him to go to the doctor. Having low testosterone or low sex drive is a medical issue.

I had cause to talk to a doctor recently and he said normal men should be waking with erections, able to have sex physically every day up til their mid 60's. And that if there were difficulties (and he said a third would have difficulty with this) it was a medical issue or a psych one. He cited over work, early rising, stress as the main factors. Plus lots of low sex hormones, over training, low body fat. I was really surprised by what this doc said. He said erectile dysfunction was a massive and under reported problem.

Notimefortossers Mon 08-Feb-16 16:31:54

I'm glad I came across this thread by chance as I'm also in the same boat, but find it hard to admit/talk about in RL because I find it embarrassing! I think I've always been taught that men are supposed to be constantly after it so it feels like an even bigger rejection that mine isn't! He is older than me, but not past it!

I'm currently 7 months pregnant with our 4th child and I know he feels weird about heavily pregnant sex so I'm leaving it for now and just hoping we get our mojo back after the normal period after this one (which will be our last!) is born

NameChange30 Mon 08-Feb-16 16:45:01

"I'm pretty certain he sorts himself out"

I would be extremely hurt if my partner masturbated but didn't want sex with me. That suggests it's not an issue of having a low sex drive (which would be frustrating but understandable). He's actually denying you sexual intimacy for another reason. Can't you just ask him what the reason is? You've alluded to the issue of his family member's sexual abuse or trauma, but he says it's not an issue? I suppose you can't force it but it does sound to me like it could be the cause. Or maybe he's got a porn habit you don't know about?

Obviously you can't force him to deal with or even admit to an issue if he's not willing to do so, and he has to be ready. But sex and intimacy are an important part of a relationship. If he's not prepared to even talk about it, that's a deal breaker IMO. I think I would be insisting on relationship/sex therapy, and if he refuses I would consider ending the relationship. It will just grind you down otherwise and make you feel undesirable, unloved and miserable.

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