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Issue with climaxing - I am always concerned(6 Posts)
I have a lovely partner, we are living together and our relationship in my eyes is perfect as he treats me so very well and is just adorable in so many ways. He is going to be 49 next month, but looks great for his age and keeps himself active by going to the gym everyday, doesnt smoke or drink really and we are very attracted to each other all the time, its amazing. I am 41 this year.
When we first had sex, my partner never climaxed, he was always hard, even after a while his erection never went and was always so excited, however the problem was climaxing. He was married before me, for 9 years and only had sex once a month, to which apparently he never wanted to cum inside of her of fear of making her pregnant and told me he deliberately made it last long because they rarely had sex, pretty much once a month if that so when it did happen it was something he was programmed to be like. She treated him badly and in the end became a hatred there.
Since we are together, we were having sex pretty much everyday, every night, but I could never relax, as I was always thinking when will he cum. I was putting this down to masturbating which he now doesnt do and kind of helped but also he was tired from working in London, so getting to bed earlier which helped and now we are on vitamins to give him a boost which is kind of helping....these were I thought other issues.... Now he can climax when we have sex every 2nd night sex, which is amazing and he is fully relaxed. This was after about 2 months.
now for me I think either I have a rather high sex drive or I am use to ex partners having sex all the time whenever, wherever and I never say no and they never had a problem climaxing etc. With my partner now I have to say no and wait for another 2 days before we can do anything as I know he will climax then, otherwise we could be going for hours and I can only make him cum if I masturbate him, but trust me it kills my arm when I do otherwise it won't happen. (don't laugh, but my arm ached so badly i was taking pain killers to relieve the pain at one point!) oh boy!!
I get frustrated, blame myself and think "what can I do to help here!" i know when I am on top of him he cums quickly after 2 days as an example but if its the next night it won't happen and my legs (no joke) are dead from squatting and kneeling and I am a gym freak too, so there is only so much my legs can take and then I am getting angry.....
He has noticed this and worries saying, well I feel pressured like I don't satisfy you enough, which he does as he is great with me, oral etc...never an issue, but its not the same if your partner cant cum and it just goes on for too long, it does tend to get boring or you start to ask what is wrong? So I use to dread sex, thinking we will be here for hours, but now just postpone it for 2 days which is also rather frustrating but works I guess.....we have a compromise...inbetween he is still all over me which is lovely and gets hard again so its hard to say no but we still encounter this issue.....
He says its psychological with him, when he was younger too he mentioned it was hard for him to relax and one girl just kept on telling him not to cum inside of him, so there are lots of psychological things in his head here which we are trying to work on. Even he doesnt exactly know the cause.
Do you think seeing someone about it would help, its not horrific but it does upset me and him too.
hes a lovely guy and willing to try anything...
I'm just getting angry and upset as it doesnt quite flow however once the sex is there its pretty amazing, the best I have had!
thank you for reading....
He could just finish himself off. You don't have to do it every time.
^ This, plus a bloke who can't do it every night at his age isn't exactly uncommon - I'm a bit younger than him and there's no way I could, 2/3 times a week is plenty - quality, not quantity.
It sounds like there's way too much pressure on you both to have perfect sex all the time.
Every night is probably more than he can manage at the moment, so just stick to a few days a week. If he doesn't cum, let him finish himself off - it may not be your ideal result, but as long as you have both had a good session, it doesn't matter.
IME, whatever he tells you about psychological issues from his distant past, the most likely cause for being unable to complete is the "death grip".
Meaning a man has gotten used to the firm hard grip of a hand (masturbation) in order to come.
I agree it's part of a mutual sexual relationship that both of you orgasm.
Try tingling lube, try watching him masturbate himself, try anal sex (?), try using your own hand. These firmer techniques are most likely to bring him to orgasm.
In the long run, I find men who need "death grip" to be a lot of hard work and I have never brought myself to continue the relationship. Sorry.
If he thinks it's a psychological issue then he should definitely go and see his GP (who may consider he needs to see a psychologist to resolve the problem).
I feel sorry for you both, he's clearly been conditioned not to come.