No sex and nobody to turn to, please help!

[Eeyore777]

Hi,

I'm new to Mumsnet and really hope someone can help me out with a problem I can't discuss with anyone I know for reasons which will become obvious.

I am 29 and have been married just over 2 years. And I haven't had sex since 2009. Yes, you did read that right! OH and I have never had a particularly wild sex life right from the start but we did used to be physically intimate a couple of times a week in the early days. Since then, we have had a couple of occasions where he has got- shall we say- excited and then we have come to have sex and his willy has let him
Down!! And then for the last 6 years nothing.

I love this man absolutely to pieces and really just adore him. We kiss, cuddle every night, hold hands... But whenever I try to initiate any more (or drop huge hints that he could), there is just nothing. I feel like he must not find me physically attractive as I'm sure most men would be eager to have sex at any possible opportunity.

We don't have kids but both want to start a family in the next year or so... We even talk about having a baby but still no sex and I'm worried now what to do. I love him so much but this is not normal and it is knocking my confidence... Have tried to talk to him and he just says 'we will do it' and then makes an excuse/pretends to fall asleep/something similar.

Since our relationship started 10 years ago i know there has been one incident where he kissed a woman from work and (unbeknown to him) , I looked on as they flirted on Facebook. I confronted him and he was devastated and swore it would never happen again- I genuinely don't think it has since- he just said it made him feel good about himself.

I really don't know what to do. I have built a life with him, invested so much and really do want a future with him but don't know how this will all map out? I know I need to talk to him but he is just so reluctant.... I can't force him to sleep with me and wish I didn't have to. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else but wouldn't be lying if I said I didn't fantasise about sex with others. Would be so grateful for any advice anyone could give- feeling desperate.

Thanks in advance,

H x

[Smartiepants79]

It sounds to me like there is a physical or emotional issue that is causing him to either lose his sex drive or become unable to 'perform'.
The main issue is really that he won't discuss it and seems to not be very interested in changing it.
I'm sad to say it sounds like you need a very serious conversation. You are young and child free, this sound be the time where you have the most interest and time for each other.
Also babies, don't happen without sex!!

[Lilybensmum1]

Hi Eeyore, that's a tough situation but I guess you need to talk to him about it, ask him how he feels about no intimacy, not sure it's good for a long term relationship. Do you think he has problems with erectile dysfunction? Does he mastabate? If you want to have DC in the future this situation will make it worse.

The longer you leave it the harder it will get. You need to talk, what about couples counselling? You sound love me you want to stay with him is he happy?

Good luck.

[YetAnotherGuy]

Generally agreee with the previous posters. Many possibilities spring to mind

1 He has got a performance problem. I've had this and can still suffer from it. Nothing to do with not finding you attractive. Needs something like a counsellor. Or a DIY approach - start with touching etc - has worked for me

Unfortunately, could also be

2 He's gay

3 He doesn't fancy you

4 He has a very low sex drive

But you mustn't let it continue. I feel sorry for you going through this

[sausagedogsrus]

I've had a similar problem OP. It has been a long hard slog but we now have a beautiful baby. Things are still not perfect but we are getting there. I'll list the things that helped us.

1. I got pissed off with it all and gave DP an ultimatum stating he needed to go and see a counsellor to sort his head out (I wasn't sure what was behind the problem, but he needed to show me he was trying). Off the back of this he admitted that he had been addicted to porn for years and this had caused him to feel inadequate (he doesn't watch porn anymore). He'd also got himself into a vicious cycle i.e. once his willy filed him once, he was worried it'd fail him again. You have to be in the moment to keep an erection, so if you're worrying about losing it, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
   

1. We then went for sex therapy together through relate. The counsellor encouraged DP to see the doctor to rule out a physical cause for his ED. We made quite good progress with the therapy.
   

1. We used viagra to help create our baby. I will admit that the sex was quite functional and focused on getting it done to achieve the end result.
   

1. DP is having ongoing therapy. You don't sort out years and years of a head fuck in a short space of time.
   

You need counselling. At the very least he needs to be willing to talk to you about the problem.

[TheFuzz]

Get him to get his Testosterone checked. Should be mid range and not bottom of range. Doctors are notorious for not doing anything. T replacement will stop fertility but it can be managed by switching to chlomid when trying. He does need to see a doctor.

PS fella here with libido and Testosterone issues post snip. Wife fed up.

[Heatherjayne1972]

He probably feels terrible and less of a real man. So encourage him with a trip to the GP maybe medication / counselling will help Good luck