Sex-less marriage - want to kiss someone else..

(20 Posts)
geordiegeorgie Fri 18-Sep-15 18:57:53

My DH and I have been together 9 years. 9 years of next-to-no sex. But it's been okay because he's a really nice person and we get on really well...and you can't have everything. I know sex isn't that important compared to being with a good man who treats you well. But recently it has been really getting me down. It makes me feel unattractive. There's a whole part of me he doesn't know, ie what I like sexually, what I would like us to try etc etc. We have sex about once a month but I always initiate it. What have spoken about it lots and he says he fancies me, does want sex, etc etc... But nothing happens. I have suggested couples sex therapy to help us but he's not interested. It's selfish I know when he's such a nice person, but I'm really struggling with it!
Anyway, part 2... I have never cheated on him, not even come close. But, I am currently really tempted which I know is awful. I know that a situation could arise where we could kiss, and I really want to.. He is really not my type, we are totally incompatible so I know there is no chance of an affair or anything like that, but I really, really find him physically attractive, and his flirtiness makes me feel happy and more confident. I know it's an awful thing to think, and I don't expect anyone to reply with anything other than "don't be a bitch", but I had to get it off my chest. Can't talk to my friends about it.

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geordiegeorgie Fri 18-Sep-15 18:59:20

Sorry meant to say we have sex once every other month (at the most)... once a month would be great!

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OddlyLogical Fri 18-Sep-15 21:28:55

You are trying to convince yourself that your DH being a really nice man is enough to keep your marriage alive. The fact that you are so tempted by this potential affair is evidence that it is not.
It is not ok that you DH says he wants sex but is clearly prepared to put no effort into your sex life.
You've done well to last 9 years - can you really spend the rest of your life like this?

geordiegeorgie Sat 19-Sep-15 14:15:03

Thanks for your reply. You're right, the thought of the rest of my life like this makes me sad. But the thought of divorce makes me even sadder (i think..)..

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rumpler Sun 20-Sep-15 00:12:49

Shitty situation - me too. I'm sorry. I usually find myself dicking about on Tinder without actually acting on it. Makes me feel at least still capable of attracting attention but I can't bring myself to go out and well you know. I know if I was single I could go out and get what I need easily, and so It pisses me right off that the person I give everything to is not interested in intimacy any more. We're down to once per quarter and even then it's lights out and always the same. God it's good to vent.

rumpler Sun 20-Sep-15 00:17:11

in fact it frightens me how easily I could get led astray right now. The right (wrong ?) girl and an opportunity and I could lose it in the moment and be that bastard - and yet I'm not a bastard I just want touch. I hate this.

Aussiemum78 Sun 20-Sep-15 00:25:49

Would you ask dh to have an open relationship?

Why don't you want a divorce?

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OhYeahMama Sun 20-Sep-15 00:33:07

Empathy here, though we have no sex.
Do you have children?

geordiegeorgie Sun 20-Sep-15 12:17:39

Yes we have two young children which is what makes it so hard. I don't want to get divorced because I don't want my children to grow up in a broken home. Not having enough sex doesn't seem a valid enough reason to put my children through that!

I have suggested an open relationship but DH is 100% not keen...

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OhYeahMama Sun 20-Sep-15 13:44:39

I think you need to lay your cards on the table and suggest some sort of therapy/counselling. Tell him how it makes you feel.
I should do the same I suppose. I don't think DP is at all interested in me sexually. I can get undresses in front of him and he never even notices or might say 'oh er' in a carry on sort of way. sad
If anybody shows me any interest I'd be so tempted.

OddlyLogical Sun 20-Sep-15 16:14:11

I agree you need to spell it out to him.
No sex is more than just no sex, it's the lack of intimacy that really IS important for a relationship to survive long term.
He needs to be prepared to put some effort into your relationship, if he isn't, that says everything.

geordiegeorgie Tue 22-Sep-15 21:33:44

Thanks all. I feel a big sense of relief that I'm not the only one in this situation. Will be around potential 'other man' tomorrow so will do my very best to keep my distance!

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Millie3030 Tue 22-Sep-15 21:48:01

Would be interesting to see if anyone has actually left their partner for this reason and been happier afterwards? I would like to know if it is possible, because like you say if you have a nice man you get along with, good dad, but leave for that one thing you desire, and then get it, will the other bits be crap?

Is there really anyone out there that has it all? I'm thinking no, from observations of my friends partners, the men with higher sex drives can be a bit more egotistical and some have cheated, the others are very insecure. Not all though. I wonder if there is a science behind it??

I wonder if there is a man/woman that is a good involved parent, helps daily with housework, cooks, cleans etc but also has a really high sex drive? Does anyone really have it all?

geordiegeorgie Tue 22-Sep-15 21:56:29

Yes very good point Millie... I guess we all have to compromise on something, we just have to work out what..

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Oneeyedbloke Thu 24-Sep-15 18:26:06

Are you sure it's all reluctance on his part, OP? I sometimes think my OH could write this about me but the truth is, the situation is complicated. Tiredness, illness, lack of sexual confidence all play a part. I'd say I'm up for it more often than she is but more often than not she's utterly zonked out so I have to sort myself out.

geordiegeorgie Thu 24-Sep-15 21:53:38

It started off as all reluctance on his part, but the less we had sex, the less I saw him sexually... It's a vicious circle.. I've always been very open about sex: what I like/don't like, masturbation, fantasies etc.. but he has always been totally closed... so we've never really been close sexually. . So sad :-(

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Emilyjane101 Sun 11-Oct-15 21:53:04

Any further along with your problem Geordiegeorgie im thinking resisting that kiss would be good thing, if you haven't alreadly.

geordiegeorgie Tue 13-Oct-15 19:46:10

Have resisted! Feel good for not being a cheater!

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geordiegeorgie Fri 23-Oct-15 20:14:03

I just don't now what do to. Couples therapy isn't working. We will never have compatible sex drives. I am so unhappy with that aspect of our relationship, but it's not a valid enough reason to leave and deprive our children of a two-parent home. I will be in a 1:1 situation with aforementioned potential kiss-man on Tues, and my "will-not-cheat" wall is crumbling...

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Emilyjane101 Sun 25-Oct-15 23:45:07

There needs to be someone that has that can give you some advice, I do wonder if doing it will make you have clarity or make you feel dreadful, I don't know.

Why isn't couples therapy working? Is the therapist rubbish or your/his hearts not in it?

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