So close to finding sex elsewhere

(22 Posts)
Gaggingforitnow Mon 27-Jul-15 18:51:32

Have NC

I'm basically gagging for sex, I daydream about it, I'm constantly horny, I get myself off daily and I'm this close to finding someone who will have sex with me!!!

It basically started a few years ago now. I have been with partner for 3 and a half years, first year lots of sex and while it was very much just stick it in and go for it I was able to enjoy it and orgasm even though I missed oral and foreplay immensely I was happy with regular sex.

Second year things took a turn for the worst bf was drinking to much and we hardly had sex as be has either drunk, hungover, tired etc and when we did have sex it was just drunken stick it in and neither of us actually came, or he would have to stop all the time "saying he needed to pee" etc and we had a huge chat about all this and he promised to make more effort etc....... Within 4 week of that chat I found myself pregnant and that's when things really got bad, he found the whole pregnancy off putting and wouldn't have sex at all, after baby was born we had a couple of failed attempts and he couldn't get hard and all this along with him upping his drinking resulted in a lot of issue in our relationship and we even spilt for a month, after a lot of talking we got back together and agreed things needed sorting not just sex but intimacy as well as since I got pregnant all kisses/cuddles anything stopped.

So we got back together on the agreement that intimacy and sex would be delt with, no pressure just make sure we made time to kiss/cuddle etc and sadly within a week if that he had a issue with his health that turned out to be nothing but that triggered his anxiety and panic attacks (this was 5 months ago) and all efforts of sex/intimacy has gone out the window.

Now I have been as supportive as I can, put no pressure on him, he knows I have been missing sex desperately but he just doesn't seem willing to try and get back on track with that or anything else.

He is now on anti depressants but He uses drink to deal with his anxiety, all promises that he is stopping drinking for a few months and getting himself down gym again etc and get physically and mentally healthy again are forgotten and go out the window with 4 days and we just find ourself making no progress.

I'm honestly at my wits end, I know of two other men who are interested and have offered dates and I'm honestly so tempted to take these offers up, I lay in bed and think about dates/sex with these people.

How do I fix all this

OP’s posts: |
OfficerVanHalen Mon 27-Jul-15 18:53:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gaggingforitnow Mon 27-Jul-15 19:26:10

I would rather have a healthy relationship with a good sex life with my bf but I'm starting to think that's just going to be impossible, I haven't actually had sex now for 19 months

OP’s posts: |
ArseForElbow Mon 27-Jul-15 19:28:55

I agree, end your relationship and then you are free to have sex when you want with who you want.

SylvanianCaliphate Mon 27-Jul-15 19:29:03

If you are serious about looking elsewhere then it's time to end it.

Don't be tempted to cheat it never ever makes things better.

Branleuse Mon 27-Jul-15 19:30:31

19 months is ridiculous. Noone could blame you for being at the end of your tether. I think you need to call it off with your partner. Cheating isnt the answer, but this guy isnt right for you.

OfficerVanHalen Mon 27-Jul-15 19:31:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.


Gaggingforitnow Mon 27-Jul-15 19:43:27

As I said I'm so tempted to go elsewhere for sex but wouldn't actually go out and cheat but I'm at the point now where he either bucks his ideas up and sorts it, and I mean immediately and I want to be seeing a constant effort or we end it!

I just feel he is using things as excuses, yes I understand about the panic attacks, anxiety etc but despite his promises he just seems to not actually be trying to improve things for himself, he knows drinking will not help his problems yet all he has done is drink, this weekend for example he had to stop in pub and have a few just to make the drive over from work he then sat in and doesn't alone, a few cans and a bottle of wine, Saturday we go out for dinner, he has a pint then we share a bottle of rune, he then had to stop and buy a bottle of wine on way home that he sat up and drunk on his own when I went to bed.

I'm only early 30's and I enjoy sex and I want a healthy sex life

OP’s posts: |
PorridgeIsYummy Mon 27-Jul-15 19:56:36

I think the problem here goes well beyond sex, OP. Putting the sex issue aside, what do you get out of this relationship? Your DP sounds like he might be an alcoholic. He is not able to function on many levels. You get no affection, no true companionship and he is likely to bra burden to you on a daily basis.

You also have a child to consider. Is it good for them to live with a dad like this? And do you deserve having this situation inflicted on you on a daily basis?

I am afraid I would leave him - not because he won't have sex with you, but because he is an alcoholic. You don't have to out up with this. Leave him, offer him support if you wish but outside your home environment. Then go and shag to your heart's content.

Alternatively, have sex with men first - this might give you the perspective to see that what you have at home is not worth it, and might give you the strength and determination to go ahead with things. Then leave him. He doesn't deserve your faithfulness - that is something you have to earn, in my book.

SylvanianCaliphate Mon 27-Jul-15 19:57:05

You need to end it, if he hasn't changed yet he isn't going to sad

It's shit but sometimes you need to just walk away.

PorridgeIsYummy Mon 27-Jul-15 19:57:59

And sorry for the typos...

Gaggingforitnow Mon 27-Jul-15 20:42:30

I think sadly your all prob right!

I guess I have allowed him to continue with the drinking and the lack if sex/intimacy/effort etc because of the anxiety etc and have just let it slide but there always seems to be a reason for it

OP’s posts: |
Nevergoingtolearn Mon 27-Jul-15 21:35:19

Yes, leave him, you have given him enough chances to make things right. I left dh in May after our sex life died ( well it died years ago ), someone did chat me up and I realised that I could actually get sex elsewhere and that I was not past it ( like dh had told me ), I have only been single a few months, my sex drive is so much higher and I have had some of the best sex, I don't think I realised how rubbish my sex life was with dh.

Ditch him and go and enjoy yourself with someone who is willing to satisfy your needs.

UnsolvedMystery Mon 27-Jul-15 22:28:33

The alcohol would be enough reason for me to leave. That is no way for you or your child to live.

SeldomAthleticFC Mon 27-Jul-15 22:47:33

My exH was like this - never particularly keen on sex and an alcoholic. After DC1 was born he went off sex completely. DC2 was conceived after 2 months of thoroughly unsatisfying mechanical baby-making sex. And that was it. By the time I plucked up the courage to kick him out, I'd had no sex at all for 4 years and no half-way decent sex for nealy 7.
My god, the first time I had sex after we'd split was a revelation! I remembered what decent sex was like. And, sweet Jesus, it's bloody lovely!! ExH couldn't even kiss properly but I'd just got used to it.
Dump the bloke and go out and get laid! smilewine

SeldomAthleticFC Mon 27-Jul-15 22:52:18

Oh, and alcoholics really fuck with your head, so you might find Al-anon helpful. It's associated with AA but for friends and families of drinkers.

pocketsaviour Tue 28-Jul-15 20:21:45

So your DC is about 2yrs old?

Time to go, love. He's an alcoholic and you won't change him just by wanting things to work. He's already promised to change and what's happened so far? The square root of fuck all.

If there's one nearby, an Al-Anon meeting might help you get some insight into what control you have over your partner's drinking (spoiler alert: none.)

And when you look for your next relationship, don't accept this:
it was very much just stick it in and go for it I was able to enjoy it and orgasm even though I missed oral and foreplay immensely

Bollocks to that. Sex is way to important to "make do" with the side effects of the bloke just getting himself off. You are worth a partner who is as interested in your pleasure as in their own.

Gaggingforitnow Tue 28-Jul-15 23:22:28

Our baby is 11 months old, sorry if post was little confusing!

Sex was ok for first year really then really started slipping in the second year together and has never recovered

OP’s posts: |
antimatter Tue 28-Jul-15 23:28:46

"I guess I have allowed him to continue with the drinking and the lack if sex/intimacy/effort etc"

No, is not you. It's him. He has to sort himself out.

Don't blame yourself.
Move on!

Wolfiefan Tue 28-Jul-15 23:33:46

His idea of sex is to just stick it in?!
He thinks it's fine to drink over a bottle and a half of wine in a night?
You need to ask? confused

ChunkyStory Fri 31-Jul-15 18:57:40

Move on. He's presumably drink driving with you and your child in the car?!? That's enough on its own to get out. Good luck.

travellinglighter Fri 07-Aug-15 00:24:57

So basically when you were having sex it was mechanical and unadventurous and you want to get back to that point with a chap who is probably an alcoholic. I’m pretty sure the antidepressants won’t help.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in