I don't think it's ever going to happen.

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

I don't think I'll ever have an organ with anyone else. I never have, I can get there by myself but in what I consider a peculiar way. I've bought a few sex toys but they really don't do anything for me.

I've recently started dating a guy and he's very attentive and tries hard but...nothing even close. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it very much, but I'd love an orgasm too. I'm half convinced there's something wrong with me, both physically and psychologically. I find talking about sex difficult and I find it impossible to say what I like/want, especially during the act.

I'm 40 now so this has been going on for some time.

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

FFS autocorrect changed orgasm to organ in my OP.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Well if you can do it by yourself, it's unlikely to be physical.

That thing you do/think when you're by yourself- is this something you'd like to try with him? If so, I would screw your courage to the sticking place and tell him. He'll most likely be delighted.

[mrsdavidbowie]

Have a drink

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

I've had sex drunk plenty of times, doesn't make any difference.
The thing gets me off isn't really something that that can be replicated with someone else (I know it sounds odd, I don't really know how to explain it-it doesn't involve chickens!)

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Ah well there's the issue- you need chickens. ;)

And thinking of 'that thing' while shagging doesn't do the trick?

[Goodbetterbest]

Some toys are more effective than others. Ones which are used in conjunction with your OH maybe?

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

I've tried all sorts, had a long chat with the staff in a sex shop and the last one I bought was very expensive and they pretty much guaranteed it would do the trick. It was quite nice but not earth shattering. I tried it with my partner.

Also, the idea of masturbating in front of my partner to show him what works (as I said it's tricky to explain) just makes me want to shrivel up in horror. I'm such a prude in some ways.

[allovertheworld]

Could you video yourself doing he thing show him the video? He might not replicate it exactly but might get ideas?

[ImperialBlether]

Am I the only person here who's dying to know what it is you like?!

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Allover, no I couldn't do that, just the idea of it makes me cringe.

Imperial, it's really nothing outrageous and doesn't involve any props just my own body; but I feel like a freak because it's not 'normal' (like any of us know what that is). There's still a part of me that feels masturbating is wrong and dirty and I wonder if that's part of the problem.

[Nevergoingtolearn]

I don't think that being shy about masterbating is the problem, I am the same, I can't make myself orgasam, I feel dirty touching myself but I can orgasam through sex, oral and being touched ( if done correctly ), it has to be with someone I feel really comfortable with and never happens the first time I DTD with someone.

[pocketsaviour]

I find talking about sex difficult and I find it impossible to say what I like/want, especially during the act.

There's still a part of me that feels masturbating is wrong and dirty and I wonder if that's part of the problem.

I think these two points are probably at the crux of the problem.

I felt similarly to you OP although in my case I could not orgasm on my own either :-\

My problems were two-fold:
a) sexually abused as a child which made me feel any sexual response to another person was shameful and deserved punishment
b) shamed as a child for masturbating

It took meeting my H and talking through my issues (he was also an abuse survivor) and doing a lot of work on myself in order to be able to actually TALK about sex openly and admit that I did want certain things and that there is no shame in asking for what I want.

If you have only fairly recently started seeing this guy I would say give it some time, there is probably not a lot of trust there yet, and as you come to know him better maybe you will feel more able to open up to him about what you need to get off. It's also possible that you might feel your response changing too - trust can be a game-changer.

I'd also recommend reading as much sex-positive literature as you can get your hands on. Nancy Friday's "My Secret Garden" and the more recent "Women on Top" are great. John Bradshaw's "Healing the Shame That Binds You" is a great book for overcoming childhood trauma (not just sex related). And Dan Savage's columns and podcasts are incredibly helpful.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Mm, you might need to turn your attitude around- look at what you've written: - I feel like a freak, only a peculiar way, it's never going to happen, etc, etc. these aren't true but are negative beliefs deeply embedded...
How about seeing a sex therapist/counsellor?

[spancake]

Need to know now! What is it that you do that is so difficult to replicate??

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

I agree with spancake-surely you can just incorporate what you need to do with a partner. I bet it's not weird,I bet it's totally normal and loads of petiole of do it!

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

People, stupid phone!

[NumanoidNancy]

I'm with you OP, my personal wank style is definitely not something I would share with anyone else or want to be seen doing and I haven't found a way of relating it to anything I can do in a sex situation with a bloke. I am also mid forties and in a fairly new relationship, finding it really tricky to ever get orgasms with him and really really wishing that the only person I ever found it relatively easy with was my utter bastard ex!
There is a definitely a physical 'fit' that helps these things but I have slept with a lot of blokes and not found it. Its pretty depressing. My boyfriend is lovely in all respects but I don't know if it is sustainable to have an unsatisfying sex life...