Dating and sex

(21 Posts)
TheScreamingfrog Sun 07-Jun-15 10:31:03

I suppose I just want to know if I'm alone in my thinking..

I've just launched myself back into online dating and in every contact I make, the talk soon gets very suggestive. But the thing is, is me that starts it. When we meet, it usually results in some kind of heavy petting or more and I guess I set that expectation quite early on.

Now don't get me wrong, I am happy with the way things go as I find the older I get, the less I am worried about what society may or may not think of my actions. I don't think it damages my self worth etc but I do worry sometimes that I may not be normal.. I also have extreme tastes and find that sometimes, alternative dating sites have a much more honest approach as sex is high on the agenda.

I am loving dating and every new one carries that little spark of what if.. I am looking for a relationship but one in which my needs will be met and if the sex is rubbish, why waste my time?

Having spent a good many years in an almost sexless marriage maybe I'm just making up for lost time?

I have a young daughter too and she is kept well away from anything I may be up to and I ask myself how I would feel if, in 20 years time she engages in similar behaviours. And then I think, actually, if she is safe and happy then that would be her prerogative.

So maybe I'm just looking for validation? Maybe I do care how society as a whole will judge me.

If you are still reading then I'd be interested in others thoughts on this..

OP’s posts: |
Singsongsung Sun 07-Jun-15 10:35:20

The only think I thought reading this was please be careful. There are some weirdos out there. Mark sure you're safe- especially given that you're meeting strangers on the Internet and presumably pretty quickly ending up somewhere alone with them.
Beyond that, it's your life and as long as your daughter is protected from your choices it isn't really anyone else's business.

pocketsaviour Sun 07-Jun-15 10:38:35

I also have extreme tastes and find that sometimes, alternative dating sites have a much more honest approach as sex is high on the agenda.

Yes, I found the same thing. Provided you are following the usual safety measures (tell someone where you're going and arrange a time for them to call you, arrive separately at the meeting place, don't let him back to your place on first date, etc etc) I don't think there's anything to worry about.

I'm certainly not willing to waste my time spending 3-4 dates before getting in the sack and discovering they're rubbish. Life's too short!

TheScreamingfrog Sun 07-Jun-15 10:43:20

Thank you.
Yes I always have a safe call in place, even if they don't know what I'm up to!

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Wideopenspace Sun 07-Jun-15 10:47:28

I think you sound like you are being entirely sensible. You are keeping yourself safe whilst also getting your needs met.

There is too much bollocks talked about how a young lady should conduct herself grin - if what you are doing works for you, ad you are honest and upfront with your dates, then pas de problem.

TheScreamingfrog Sun 07-Jun-15 10:50:45

Wide I think I love you! You just said young lady... I am neither of those things but it's nice to be called it never the less!

OP’s posts: |
Wideopenspace Sun 07-Jun-15 10:53:45

I said in a particular voice too screaming - think 1950s newscaster...


TheScreamingfrog Sun 07-Jun-15 11:10:43

Would that be naice per chance?

OP’s posts: |
Melonfool Sun 07-Jun-15 11:52:14

I joined hook up sites a few years ago and did all sorts. It was great fun.

I agree, no point meeting men who are rubbish in bed. And I actually found most of the guys were better than any bf I'd had in the past.

I was pretty careful, the only 'messing about' was idiots cancelling and possibly being married. Even though I was just looking for sex I was clear I wasn't interested in anyone married/attached. I know, I wouldn't really be able to tell, but if I got the slightest whiff of it they were history. Same with smoking in fact.

It is actually how I met my dp, who I have now been with six years. He was just there because he didn't fancy OD and just wanted the directness, as did I.

I don't think my self esteem suffered at all - but actually my respect for men did. Or maybe I just saw them in their true light, who knows? I did find I could pull anyone, no one turned me down, it got a bit depressing. Maybe I just learnt a lot about men's view of sex vs women's view of sex etc. At the time it made me a bit cynical, and over sexed (I found I saw sex everywhere, was a bit obsessive) but actually not more cynical than OD did, I actually found that far worse.

As long as you know what you're up to and look after yourself I see now problem with it.

TheScreamingfrog Sun 07-Jun-15 11:57:50

I know what you mean about oversexed! OD just leaves me cold, all those cozy nights In with a bottle of wine after I stroked a tiger and ran marathon

OP’s posts: |
CoolAs10Fonzies Sun 07-Jun-15 12:20:04

if you are safe, happy and keeping your 'antics' wink separate from your dd, then why the hell not?

you are your best judge and you should do what makes you feel good.

its nice to be the mum but its also nice to take time off and be a woman in control of her own mind and body.

I could have written your thread 2 years ago. after splitting with dds dad I spent a lot of time having a good time with no expectations, I enjoyed sex and pretty much set out with that goal in mind. I had a fb situation and also about 3 or 4 ONS in a twelve month period. in all honesty that was when I really got to know me! Previously I had just jumped from relationship to relationship as if I just couldn't be on my own.

after the fb situation fizzled out I actually thanked him for being there for me in that 'no strings' way. I believe it really helped me in ways I can't quite put into words.

I met current dp online and you'd be shocked at how we actually met, but looking back I just had sex on my mind, but somehow sex turned into something more and now we live together.

I'm probably going off topic but wanted to say, you seem to know yourself and enjoy what you're doing, please dont be judged by anyone.

TheScreamingfrog Sun 07-Jun-15 13:49:03

Thanks Cool, I think that's where I am now. I've got to grips with independence but need a bit more now and again.

Off to tonight with another grin

OP’s posts: |
CoolAs10Fonzies Sun 07-Jun-15 14:27:13

good on you. just bloody enjoy!

I look back fondly on the time I had to just do as I pleased. and I'm glad I finally got the chance to. changed me as a person and definitely set me up for the right kind of relationship in the future.

I was no longer this needy, insecure excuse for a girlfriend. I am someone to be desired and dp is lucky to have me.

play safe, and enjoy grin

Wideopenspace Sun 07-Jun-15 14:29:01

Yes 'naice' indeed.

Enjoy your evening, just make sure that skirt hem is below your knees at all times and don't have too many opinions.


TropicalHorse Sun 07-Jun-15 14:33:27

Chiming in to add that if this situation were reversed and a mature man, recently divorced, was going around notching everyone's bedposts, nobody would a)notice or b)be surprised. So, echoing others, be safe and have fun!
Ps - thanks for using the phrase "heavy petting" - it seems to have fallen out of favour but is just so classy! wink

Allowmetoretort Sun 07-Jun-15 14:37:26


I love your attitude smile

TheScreamingfrog Sun 07-Jun-15 14:43:31

You are all very kind..
I shall go and enjoy with bells on!
It's actually nice to hear that I am not alone as my family would be beyond horrified at my antics shock

OP’s posts: |
TheScreamingfrog Sun 07-Jun-15 23:19:28

Sadly no spark! But there is always tomorrow....

OP’s posts: |
CoolAs10Fonzies Mon 08-Jun-15 12:54:36

yep, write that one off.

some spark, some don't. at least you have the opportunity to be picky...


KatherineMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 10-Jun-15 09:25:56

Hi all,

With the kind permission of the OP, we are now going to move this thread over to our brand new Sex topic.

Just to let you all know, that the topic will only be available to those who have been members for 90 days or more.

Thanks! flowers

broadbeanstew Tue 16-Jun-15 19:34:10

What are these, um, 'alternative' dating sites you speak of? I'm finding POF etc a bit crap, is there something I'm missing out on?!

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