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help my stepson is a bully need ideas

(5 Posts)
poltesco Sat 26-Sep-09 14:01:29

hi my dss 13yr has turned into a bit of a bully at school. he was bullied at primary ( no excuss ), he's always been such a caring and kind kid. he lives with his mum during the wk and with us at wkends.
due to the shool phoning and a mum in their village ring us, because his mum dosen't seem to be taking it seriously and just grounding him which doesn't seem to effect him. he is coming to stay with us to get it sorted.

last term he was phyiscal with a yr7. we had him to stay with us apolgise to the lad and write a letter to the lad and his parents to apologise. dss behaviour improved 100% so at end of term he went home , school holidays and 3wks of school and here we are agian with dss being the ring leader of verbal bullying to a yr7.

it can't be that he is trying to get his dads attention as he hates having to stay with us term time, as we are vy strict comparred to his mum and stepdad. both homes are happy and stable.

i don't want to just ground him and take all electricals of him i really want to make him think about what he is doing and the harm he is causing, i'm thinking of making him right an essay on bullying but really need some help with ideas for it.
all ideas very welcome not just for essay but other ways i can make him see what he is doing is wrong!!!
there is so much advise out there if your kid is being bullied. yet i can't find any for parents of kids that are bullying!!!! HELP HELP

deaddei Sat 26-Sep-09 15:46:50

have a look on Kidscape and Beatbullying websites. Also GET HIM TO LOOK- IT MIGHT MAKE HIM SEE HOW BULLYING MAKES KIDS FEEL. (sorry about caps there, no shouting intended)
Maybe if he realised how many kids kill themselves each year, it might shock him.
I wouldn't say writing an essay will help- you and the school need to work in partnership to get him to stop. Maybe call NSPCC helpline for some advice- or if he will co-operate, get him to vcall Childline. They get lots of calls from bullies.
Good luck.

katiestar Sat 26-Sep-09 19:22:08

I think you and your DSS need to get to the bottom of WHY he is doing it
3 clues from your posting
First he was bullied himself - does he feel that this was dealt with properly or is he in a clumsy way trying to get back at the world for it.
Second 'his mother isn't taking it seriously just grounding him' - makes me think you and your Dp are critical of his mum which is of course going to upset the boy.
3 He hates coming to stay with us because we are very strict - How doews that tie in with a 'happy' home
This behaviour isn't something you can punish away ! He 'll just get more sneaky and better at making sure his victim doesn't tell.
Finally a forced apology isn't worth the paper it's written on.

poltesco Sun 27-Sep-09 20:06:08

just to update have got dss to sit down and write very truthly to some answers on the reasons he bullies, how it makes him feel before and after, hows its affecting him and a plan of action to change!
it was explained to him that this is not a punishment but a chance for him to reflect on what has been happening. so far so good he is really thinking and opening up!

thanks deaddei

hi katiestar i wasn't slatting his mother but do you honestly thing that grounding for a 13yr old when he has computer, ps3 nintendoe and all sorts of other gadgets and likes spending time inside in front of a screen is really going to effect him?
the reason he hates having to come term time is because we put him into a rountine ie bedtime, getting up in the morning and downstairs to eat breakfast rather than having it bought up to him in bed just a few examples. he has it very easy at home with no rountine. so incomparrison we are vy strict. also i agree you can't punish this away, which is why i really wanted to make him think!!

amicissima Tue 29-Sep-09 18:29:19

Could it be that he actually prefers to be with you in the 'strict' home? Kids tend to like very clear boundaries and if he's had problems in the past he might feel more secure with the stricter system. That's not very cool though, so he would have to pretend to resent you.

If so, he could be repeating the behaviour that gets him to stay with you.

Not sure how you'd check this; he would think he needs to deny it!

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