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Oh great DD! Fantastic timing .

(26 Posts)
OrmIrian Tue 08-Sep-09 12:41:15

DD has to choose secondary schools this year. DS#1 is very happy and doing well at his and DD was very happy at the idea of going there too next year. We like everything about the school. Since he started it's had an outstanding Ofsted report, and has improved it's GCSE results enough to take it off the National Challenge list. So hurrah! We need to apply for DD now. And is she champing at the bit to go to this wonderful place? No. She has now announced she wants to go the one other school in the town I wouldn't send a dog! Because her friends are going there. There is one other that would be acceptable to us but no.... apparently it's 'gay' <grrrrr!>.

So .....DH and I are 100% certain that she won't be going to the school she wants. Sorry but being the grown up has to count for something! How do we approach this. So we take her to see the school? Hope that we can persuade her it's no good? Or just put our collective feet down and tell her. We went through similar with DS#s but in the end he was won over by without us getting heavy.

madamearcati Tue 08-Sep-09 14:03:30

I wouldn't even take her to look round it because you will be giving her the impression she still has a chance of going there.
just tell her that you have taken into account her preferences but that your decision is DS s school.Like you say you are the adult and nearer the time she will start to get caught uo in the excitement of the new school !

GrimmaTheNome Tue 08-Sep-09 14:13:43

How old is your DD - 10/11, Yr 6, same as mine? We are involving DD in the choice of school (well, we have to as some involve exams) but if we told her a school was no good she'd accept that. Mind you, DH does quite complicated statistical analyses of the results versus selectivity of intake so she knows we're being objective.

'Gay' hmm if thats the sort of thing she's picking up from her current friends then the sooner they go their separate ways the better.

Just the sheer logistics of having DCs at different schools would be sufficient reason for parental veto on other choices for many parents.

Maybe your DS could persuade your DD better than you of the virtues of his school?

OrmIrian Tue 08-Sep-09 14:19:05

Thanks.

grimma - I don't like the terminology either and we have had many debates about it but it seems to be the word of choice for anything they don't like. Logistics is an issue too - the school she likes is the other side of town from my work, from the primary school that DS#2 will still be at and the secondary that DS#1 is. DS just says it's brilliant - and then spends a lot of time moaning about going to school hmm No change there then...

madame - that is what we have done so far. Told her no, and given the reasons, but wanted to get her on board too iyswim. But I suspect she will get carried away with it all in the end. Hope so.

OrmIrian Tue 08-Sep-09 14:19:33

She's 10 in Yr 6.

SoupDragon Tue 08-Sep-09 14:20:54

[shrug] I didn't get a choice of where I went. I went to the same school as my brothers.

SoupDragon Tue 08-Sep-09 14:22:00

DS1 will get more choice than DS2, but only because the only schools I'll present as an option are ones I approve of DS2 will go to the same place as DS1. DD will have to go somewhere else as DSs will most likely end up at a boys' school.

OrmIrian Tue 08-Sep-09 14:24:48

I think I am just disappointed that her earlier enthusiasm has faded. When we went to the open days for DS#1 she was desperate to start straightaway and kept talking about it. Now all of a sudden she wants to go the one school in the town I would actually move house to get away from hmm

Katisha Tue 08-Sep-09 14:26:47

I think you just have to be firm and let her get used to the fact that there is no negotiation on this one.
Why are the friends all going there?

OrmIrian Tue 08-Sep-09 14:26:58

Anyhow I have already filled in the online application form putting down DS's school as first choice. I can always change it of course .... wink

OrmIrian Tue 08-Sep-09 14:28:29

Unfortunately her closest friends are going to the school I don't like. One or two are going to the 'gay' school (apologies grimma!) and most of the others are going to the other school I'd rather avoid. Only one (possibly) are going the the school we favour.

Hulababy Tue 08-Sep-09 14:30:04

I would be firm with her and simply tell her which school she is going to in this situation.

Hulababy Tue 08-Sep-09 14:30:18

I would be firm with her and simply tell her which school she is going to in this situation.

Iklboo Tue 08-Sep-09 14:30:54

Choosing your own secondary school??? Crikey times have changed.

Eee in my day you went where you were bloody well sent and liked it. You could choose your 6th form, college, uni etc. But secondary school?? The very thought....grin

Pyrocanthus Tue 08-Sep-09 14:42:10

She might come round. Has she just started back at school? There's probably a lot of talking going on at the moment. We live in a selective area and my year 5 DD came out at the end of her first day back and said 'How much does a tutor cost?'

OrmIrian Tue 08-Sep-09 14:51:59

Yes I think that has something to do with it. Her class have just been on a residential trip and there was a lot of talk around the subject. It is upsetting that she's losing a lot of her friends.

EccentricaGallumbits Tue 08-Sep-09 14:56:19

Difficult one. I thnk I'd tell her and then spend the next year arguing and fending off abuse such as 'you've ruined my life' 'i'll have no friends' 'how can you do this to me'.
And no matter how much reasoning with her about good results, nice new friends and good facilities would change either of our minds but eventually she would be going to the scool i picked.
but that's just the way DD2 and I work things out. And everything is 'gay' when you're 11 anyway.

throckenholt Tue 08-Sep-09 15:01:04

why are so many of her friends going to the school you don't like ? Is it the natural feed from the primary ?

OrmIrian Tue 08-Sep-09 15:19:31

Ah throckenholt that is the million dollar question. This is not a town with a great deal of academic aspiration in general. Education is seen as a obligation rather than a benefit. They have to be at school so you go with the flow. It's the nearest school for many of them I guess, the school the parents went to, the school silbings and cousins have gone to. Also it's the specialist performing arts school which attracts some kids. There is huge inertia. DS#1's school was appalling a decade ago - the worst of the lot more or less, but a new head has turned it around to be imo the best. And it's beginning to be seen that way by more parents but it's taking time. Meanwhile the parents with any aspiration at all are sending their DC to the 'gay' school which used to be the only good school in the town, and those who don't really care or know are sending their DC to the school that they know and their DC favour for social reasons.

throckenholt Tue 08-Sep-09 18:29:41

ah. In that case you have to find a way of getting your DD to trust your judgement. Maybe sit down and talk to her and tell her that that is the bottom line - you are the parents - and she has to trust your judgement. When she is grown up she gets to judge for herself - but for now it is down to you.

roisin Tue 08-Sep-09 19:15:58

Hi Ormirian! I told my boys very clearly from the age of about 7 that the choice of secondary school was not theirs, it was ours. I said that we loved them very much and we would research the options, and in our wisdom (not theirs) we would choose the one(s) that was best for them. If we did feel there was a genuine choice, we would consult their opinion. But that basically it was far too important a decision to be made by a 10 yr-old, so that wouldn't be happening.

Most people I know who work in education also go down this route.

So, in your position, I would just tell her point blank that it's not happening, so she had just better get used to the idea. Children this age tend to quite revel in the idea of having a 'poisonous witch mother' that they can complain to their friends about! They know that you only do it because you love them.

OrmIrian Wed 09-Sep-09 09:33:34

Thanks. She will be going there anyway, but the consensus appears to be that I don't need to get her on board? Still I hope someone else is going to decide to go the same school .....

GrapefruitMoon Wed 09-Sep-09 13:19:54

My dd went to the school that most of her friends were going to (which luckily happened to be our preferred one too) and within a couple of months she had made new friends and virtually lost touch with all her old ones.

roisin Thu 10-Sep-09 04:38:54

Oh, I think you do ultimately need to get her on board, in terms of you don't want her to be utterly opposed to the idea next year, and stroppy, refusing to put the uniform on etc. But if there genuinely isn't any choice for her, I wouldn't present it as such. I would simply tell her the facts straight and tell her to get used to it and get over it. And then gently plug away with her telling her the benefits of attending that particular school.

Fortunately for us ds2 wants to go to the school we've chosen, but that might just be that he's known for the last 18 months that's where he's going, so he's had chance to get used to the idea!

OrmIrian Thu 10-Sep-09 10:05:23

Well things have shifted a little. Her bestest bestest mate is going to go to the same school. So all is well! Hurrah grin

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