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over powering "friend^

(13 Posts)
SlartyBartFast Fri 05-Sep-08 10:45:21

how can i get dd (aged 11) to cope with this.

she changed her class so as not to be with this girl.

she has now started secondary school and the girl was on msn last night still saying to her I love you but you dont love me. why can't we be friends. you are so easily controlled - who do you like best me or XYZ, (having secretly invited XYZ to the conversation) blah blah blah, yet it is her who is controlling my DD.

is this a self esteem thing on my dd's part?
The girl obviously has "issues" but to be so possessive of my dd is a nightmare for us all

SlartyBartFast Fri 05-Sep-08 12:05:37

any one?

batters Fri 05-Sep-08 12:20:18

block her from MSN for a start, and explain to your dd that you don't think it is appropriate for a friend to secretly invite other people into conversations.

Girls can have very intense relationships.

Your dd has to learn by trial and error what is reasonable for a friend to ask for.

Has your dd got self esteem issues, or is she confident enough to be able to say to this other girl that she needs space?

SlartyBartFast Fri 05-Sep-08 12:30:56

thanks.
that is what i was wondering - the self esteem i mean. she just wants to be nice to people.

apart from keep telling her she is great i wonder what else i can do.

she has blocked her before but the other girl found out. i think she will have to block her again, or at least not even go on msn.

batters Fri 05-Sep-08 12:33:22

oh dear .

It is really difficult for some girls to stand up to one another.

Does she spend time outside of school with her?

SlartyBartFast Fri 05-Sep-08 12:36:30

no thankfully. she is always being invited but has managed to be busy all of the summer.

batters Fri 05-Sep-08 12:38:08

okay so if she ends up not talking to this girl at all, it isn't going to be the end of the world? Does she actually like her? If not - would recommend she is cool to her, doesn't respond to MSN and/or text messages etc. The other girl will soon get the hint.

SlartyBartFast Fri 05-Sep-08 12:42:43

i dont think she actively dislikes her just obviously her friend is being incredibly possessive and manipulative -

fingers crossed that as time goes on the girl will get the hint i spose

Bluebutterfly Fri 05-Sep-08 12:47:21

Could you have a sit down chat with her about the whole thing - make it "grown-up", make a cup of tea/coffee or go out for a soft drink at a cafe. Discuss with her what a wonderful person that you think she is, and that it is fantastic that she always tries so hard to please everyone else. Without getting too heavy about it, it may be a good idea to discuss why it is girls so often feel the need to put other peoples feelings above their own needs. Then try to discuss ways that she can prioritise important things (including people) in her life, and to make it clear to her that you think that it is ok (and sometimes healthy) for friendships to change, grow apart and even end. That some people are for life, and others are there to teach us some things about life and about ourselves, and we can be grateful for that, but it is ok to recognise when they are no longer treating us well and move on.

For some girls the need to please everyone else (seen as a way to be liked) can sometimes get in the way of being true to themselves and their own needs iyswim. She needs some gentle and non-judgemental reassurance and guidance, and if you are close to your dd, you are probably the person she most needs it from.

Good luck!

SlartyBartFast Fri 05-Sep-08 12:53:23

good idea.
we will go shoe shopping tomorrow and try for a "chat"

Bluebutterfly Fri 05-Sep-08 12:55:41

Hope it goes well Slarty! smile

batters Fri 05-Sep-08 12:58:02

yes good luck!

SlartyBartFast Fri 05-Sep-08 13:03:27

thanks smile

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