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tell son didn’t get chosen secondary before he goes school in morning or later? [sad]

(111 Posts)
Seacharts Mon 02-Mar-20 02:06:51

If I tell him I’m the morning he’ll have to go through the whole school day devastated. His small friendship circle all have siblings in the school he wanted, so they’ll all get in.

My son has a sibling at a different school to the one him and his friends all want, so that’s the one he’s been given.

If I don’t tell him in the morning (pretend I haven’t received email yet) I could get an idea when he comes home of which of his friends are going where and maybe (unlikely but hopefully) one of them got allocated the same school as my son.

But then he’d also know I was fibbing about not getting the email because all his friends mums already had.

Give him the pain and see if his friends can support him through it, or delay the pain and take the full brunt of it when he gets home?

Husband is dismissive saying it’s a first world problem and son will ‘get over it’. He doesn’t understand how important son’s friendship circle is. Nor that the preferred school was a better fit for his abilities and talents, whilst the school he’s been allocated isn’t.

OP’s posts: |
DropYourSword Mon 02-Mar-20 02:09:58

Later. Sounds like he’ll need time to process and discuss it with you. Not sure it’s best for him to be upset all day without being able to talk it through with you.

FairyBunnyAgain Mon 02-Mar-20 02:21:18

Earlier and if needs be keep him off school to talk through.

Blondie1984 Mon 02-Mar-20 02:25:21

I would do it beforehand - it's not fair for him to get his hopes up - and the last thing you want is him finding out via someone else (eg teacher)

RosieBdy Mon 02-Mar-20 02:27:10

I would tell him. They will all be talking about it, probably including the teachers as they know it's what's important to the children today.
The teachers will know who got their first choice/ didn't etc, so they will also be able to support him.
Talk to him about waiting lists too if he really wants to go for the other school.
Good luck.

Seacharts Mon 02-Mar-20 02:29:02

Either way I suppose I’m also in for a rough day.

His friends may or may not support him, they might be too wrapped up in their own excitement at being offered their preferred school.

Or they may reassure him by saying they’ll still want him round their house to visit and so on.

Surely teachers wouldn’t tell him which school he’s allocated @Blondie?

OP’s posts: |
Seacharts Mon 02-Mar-20 02:29:59

I didn’t consider that the teachers would know. I suppose that might be a support for him then.

OP’s posts: |
Bluewater1 Mon 02-Mar-20 02:30:06

Before I think as he will realise that others know their school and wonder why he doesn't know yet

Bluewater1 Mon 02-Mar-20 02:30:28

Ps can you appeal?

Seacharts Mon 02-Mar-20 02:32:16

@Bluewater no not a chance, it’s oversubscribed and the other two schools in the town including the one he’s been allocated are the ‘sink schools’. I hate the term but it’s correct.

Personally I don’t like the school he wanted it’s too full of itself, but I just wanted him to go where his friends were going.

OP’s posts: |
cabbageking Mon 02-Mar-20 03:06:24

I would tell him before school. He can find out who else is going to the same school and school will be aware of any upset children tomorrow rather than the day after.

fogginghell Mon 02-Mar-20 03:16:39

In the same boat here op and I think I'm just going to tell my dd in the morning . I know she will be devastated and my heart is breaking for her - but it's best to just get it out of the way.

Hence why I'm awake at 3:15am just thinking about her little face when she hears those dreaded words of the school she is so anxious about. sad

Jenny70 Mon 02-Mar-20 03:28:59

Tell him in morning, he can then start to process it all before school.

Reassure him that friends will stay friends, with social media/email etc much easier to stay in touch. He'll make new friends and then have wider circle.

If he has any hobbies, reassure him that that will stay same. Even if it isn't first choice, it is OK to be disappointed, but you feel positive that this will work out fine (even if you're not sure, keeping a positive spin on it).

Blondie1984 Mon 02-Mar-20 03:49:29

@Seacharts I wouldn’t put it past some....they might assume you’ve already told him

WhiteBadger Mon 02-Mar-20 03:50:58

Keep him off school wtf

Even if he had got the school he wanted, within the year he would not be hanging out with the same circle of friends.

You seriously overthinking this, and your husband is right indeed. First world problems.

If you think it's a big deal, he'll pick up on it.

I assume you've been preparing him. He knows he wasn't definitely going to get in that school?

You tell him over breakfast " Guess what! You got into x school, you'll have a chance to make loads of new friends and ....... (think of something positive about school. Does it have a pool or new library) "

Do not start with " You didn't get in to ...."

Honestly it's not that big a deal!

Hercwasonaroll Mon 02-Mar-20 04:00:52

Early and with a positive spin.

sashh Mon 02-Mar-20 04:04:01

Before school. Can you phone another parent before hand so that at least one of his friends can be prompted to be kind?

singandwing Mon 02-Mar-20 04:04:13

* Reassure him that friends will stay friends*

Tell him in the morning but don't tell him this as in all honesty it's extremely unlikely, their friendship circle changes massively even when they go to school with their friends.

ShriekingBansheela Mon 02-Mar-20 05:14:15

the preferred school was a better fit for his abilities and talents, whilst the school he’s been allocated isn’t

This is grounds for appeal, and can be successful if there is something the preferred school offers that is important to your Ds that the allocated school does not.

Are you a long way out of the distance criteria, do you think? Make sure you are on the waiting list. There can be a lot of movement,

But meanwhile, accept the place, it will not disadvantage you on a waiting list or appeal to accept.

Clutterbugsmum Mon 02-Mar-20 05:31:12

Will you even know before he goes to school.

We don't get an Email until after 9am and my dc school give the Yr 6's letters at school telling them what school they have.

Depressedbywork Mon 02-Mar-20 05:36:34

Please try not to let him see your views of the allocated school. Does he already know you think his sibling (and now he) attend a sink school?

bellinisurge Mon 02-Mar-20 06:21:53

I had this two years ago. My dd was one of only a handful allocated another school - the rest were boys. She was really forging a new path on her own and was absolutely not a "forging a new path on her own" type of girl.
She has flourished at the new school. Made lots of friends and is very happy.

Zodlebud Mon 02-Mar-20 06:31:00

Definitely before school. They will spend today talking to each other about where they are all going. They then forget about it - it’s only a “thing” in the playground for one day. Leaving it until later will only prolong it.

TW2013 Mon 02-Mar-20 06:31:48

If everyone else will know I would tell him this morning otherwise he will spend the whole day worrying that he hasn't got a school. They do get over things but having been there it isn't easy seeing their face crumple. Maybe dh can do it if he is going to be more matter of fact and then you can pick up the pieces.

Malmontar Mon 02-Mar-20 06:33:36

It is sad and scary I sympathize with you both but I also agree, don't overthink it. Our DD is in y7 and went to a school with 0 people she knew. She was upset at first as all her friends were going to schools in groups and she was all alone. First couple of weeks were up and down but she's settled so nicely and doesn't even speak to her old friends. It may sound harsh and I'm sure your son can try to keep up some friendships but my DD has found it a bit awk even though they were v v close, and I think that's normal. He will naturally be upset but than will be absolutely fine.
He is v fortunate he gets to make new friends and not get held back by old friendships. So many arguments in Y7 are caused by old friends changing friendship groups as my DD is witnessing now and is v glad she's not a part of it.

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