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Terrible bullying- can I remove dd from her private school- right before her GCSEs?

(322 Posts)
Seniorschooldesperation Tue 11-Feb-20 11:26:12

I’m currently desperate for advice.
Dd is 16 and has been at her current private school for 5 years. Throughout these 5 years dd has been the target of a group of bully girls in her year group. There was a very serious incident 3 years ago that resulted in the suspension of several girls and the expulsion of one.
The main antagonist has never been punished. This bully is very devious and clever and insatiable in her appetite for dd.
Recently the bully ( female also 16) has dramatically upped her behaviour. I believe the reasoning behind this is she’s leaving after GCSEs in June so she can do what she wants.
So this week this bully actually elbowed me in the back (yes a parent) and followed my husband and I around parents evening heckling us - apparently no one noticed this.
The bully has been asked to keep out of my dds house while an investigation takes place but consistently disobeys and shouts through the Window to other students and has entered twice in 2 days.
Currently such is this bully’s sphere of influence - no one talks to my dd anymore. Dad sits in her dorm at lunch and hides there alone at every opportunity (dd only boards on a Friday night but has a dorm). Dd is ridiculed and jeered at by said bully and all of dds ex friends who’re now the bullies friends. They block her from leaving lessons talk trash about her and recently along with writing on a wall saying dd is a man there was a photoshopped photo sent around to students saying dd is a transgender man.
The investigation concludes today. However the bully has been laughing uproariously at her friends who are being interviewed and she’s heavily involved in shaping the outcome. Which will be nothing.
Dd is currently calling me begging me to come and collect her.
What the hell do I do?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Standrewsschool Tue 11-Feb-20 11:31:37

Yes, a friend of mine removed her child from a state school just before GCSE’s and officially home-schooled her.

Put your child first. You don’t owe the school anything. You may loose a term’s fees, but your child’s welfare comes first.

Seniorschooldesperation Tue 11-Feb-20 11:33:42

Thanks for answering Standrews
I’m worried that I won’t be able to Homeschool her effectively and she’ll bomb her results to get into 6th form.
Do you know which home schooling your friend used?
How did her dd cope and did she move on to 6th form successfully?

Endofmytether2020 Tue 11-Feb-20 11:34:32

Go and collect her. In the meantime, depending on where you, would somewhere like MPW work? I think they do GCSEs as well as A Levels. Get on the phone today to try to find alternatives. Is there somewhere you have in mind for sixth form? Would they take her for GCSEs?

In the meantime... Love bomb her. Build her confidence. She needs to know that you have her back and will protect her.

I'm sorry that this is happening to her but you need to get her out of there, quick.

puds11 Tue 11-Feb-20 11:34:47

Fucking Jesus! That is awful! Where are this girls parents in all of this? I would take her out. Her mental health must be suffering as a result of this poor thing.

I cannot and will not ever understand bullying. You must be exhausted!

Seniorschooldesperation Tue 11-Feb-20 11:37:43

The girls parents aren’t much better tbh.
The parents are very aggressive people.

Seniorschooldesperation Tue 11-Feb-20 11:38:38

I exhausted as is my poor dd - her self esteem is in the toilet but this one girl seems Teflon Coated and gets away with everything.

puds11 Tue 11-Feb-20 11:42:11

I can’t even imagine @Seniorschooldesperation. I’d really look at just getting her out as soon as possible to reduce the stress for both of you. I would imagine her grades would be negatively impacted by the bullying any way. You are obviously looking to do the best for your daughter so I think you would manage to find away to ensure she maintained her grades. I’d hesitate to add that a dip in grades is probably worth being away from a bully. Is there a home Ed board on MN? Someone on there could help?

CrotchetyQuaver Tue 11-Feb-20 11:42:35

I'd have no hesitation in pulling her out, but what are the implications regarding the actual exams? Have entries closed yet? Would she need to go back there to sit the exams (bad idea IMO).
I would contact the chairman of the governors and ask for a meeting about the ongoing bullying whilst the investigation is taking place - they ought to be made aware.
Going forward, I'd consider options like what I used to call crammers 30 years ago. My brother went to one to resit his a levels and got really good results under them. But that was years ago.
I fear it'll be expensive whatever you choose and there might be a delay before she can sit her exams if you pull her out. But it sounds like it could all be worth it in the long run to get her away from this girl.

Peridot1 Tue 11-Feb-20 11:47:27

How horrible. Your poor DD.

Is your dd wanting to stay at the same school for sixth form?

Have you had an appointment with the head? I would be giving them both barrels with regard to how it’s been handled so far.

However that doesn’t help your dd.

I would pull her out.

My DS did his GCSEs at home with an invigilator having missed six months of school. His was due to stress related daily migraines. School were pretty good. (Also private school.). They sent work home for him and I would drop it in to be marked. We had insurance for the fees and got GP to sign claim forms and managed to claim back the fees. Used some of that to pay for private psychologist which helped.

He didn’t do as well as he might have but did well enough to get into 6th form.

If your dd has a good work ethic she should be able to keep going herself with work and maybe some tutors.

mamabear2409 Tue 11-Feb-20 11:48:04

Wow this sounds awful! Are the school not doing anything to tackle this? Most schools have anti bullying policies and wouldn't let this slide one bit! Sounds like the school are just as much to blame in all this - surely one of the teachers would notice what is going on!

Mrsjayy Tue 11-Feb-20 11:51:19

This girl is teflon because the school are allowing it to be so for whatever reason that isn't your concern your dd is your priority can you get her into another school also i would be telling the school how dissapointed you are in their pupil support speak up and loud !

puds11 Tue 11-Feb-20 11:53:43

Are her parents very rich?

Would what @Peridot1 did work?

IpanemaGallina Tue 11-Feb-20 11:55:48

Go and get her. Can she study at home with the teachers emailing work. My dd is in yr10 and everything seems to be on her school iPad anyway.

Your poor daughter, my dd was bullied In yr 8 and 9. Some girls are so manipulative. Their parents can’t see it and some teachers can’t either.

Hollyhead Tue 11-Feb-20 11:59:03

Goodness me - I would threaten the school with legal action - I think this would be against the Health and Safety act as they are not safeguarding your DDs mental health appropriately

Seniorschooldesperation Tue 11-Feb-20 12:01:02

I do feel there is something I’m not aware of in regard to the parents. They are not very rich - and live in a humble (Perfectly lovely ) home and have regulate jobs. However several years ago the father told me he made a lot of money in the city and that’s what he used to pay the school fees for there 3 dc So I suspect they’ve paid the full amount for 3 years ago which enters you into a different contract with the school I believe

Theroigne Tue 11-Feb-20 12:01:22

The trouble with many private schools is that money talks and thus protects the bullies from being sanctioned effectively.

This is outrageous, cowardly behaviour on the part of the school and if the school is being unresponsive to this case, it sounds as if you would be well within your rights to take your dd out and refuse to pay them another penny. Tell them that you will raise a massive racket in the local press over their shitty handling of this and if you have to, threaten them with court action. I know this might sound a bit bonkers but many private schools know that they are vulnerable to their local reputation, and the chances are they will back down immediately if you agree to ‘leave quietly’.

Use the money you’ve saved for private tutors - there are some amazing ones out there that will specialise in your dd’s syllabi.

Seniorschooldesperation Tue 11-Feb-20 12:03:38

My dh went to see the deputy last week - the investigation concludes today - however the fact that they’ve left dd to ensure incessant bullying since then and the fact that the bully has not changed her behaviour one bit doesn’t make me think anything will happen.
I suspect it will be a lot of not proven.
So dd will really be up the creek and the bully will be even more emboldened

Bluerussian Tue 11-Feb-20 12:05:09

Bring her home. You can work something out regarding her GCSEs, maybe the school will give her work to do at home and she can return to do her exams. However her safety and happiness are paramount. I do not understand the school tolerating the behaviour of the other girl, it makes no sense.

jessycake Tue 11-Feb-20 12:05:14

I presume the bullies parents have a lot of influence at the school . I know exams are important but get her out and keep her safe . If this was every minute of your day and you couldn't see a way to stop it, your parents and no one else can or will ,how would you feel ? What might you feel could put an end to it . I am not suggesting your daughter will do anything stupid, but she must feel so worthless atm , would she be able to see the bigger picture or life beyond this ? Most teens wouldn't .
If she goes back make sure it's for exams only . There is homeschool advice on line and groups , she might make new friends. Good luck x

puds11 Tue 11-Feb-20 12:05:38

So it may be the school is worried they would threaten to withdraw their children which would result in the loss of 3 lots of fees rather than 1. Whatever it is the school has a duty to protect your daughter sad I’d be very angry with them if I were you OP.

Seniorschooldesperation Tue 11-Feb-20 12:11:30

I am very angry but I’m also angry at myself. Since my dd attended the school this bully has been a problem and I’ve also encouraged dd to be resilient and she is - but I should’ve not kept encouraging her to see it through I feel like I’ve failed her tbh
I should’ve just took her out 3 years ago when the last big incident happened.

Seniorschooldesperation Tue 11-Feb-20 12:12:53

Endoftether*

I’m in touch with MPW - thanks for the tip. They’re going to look and see what they can do.

TeenPlusTwenties Tue 11-Feb-20 12:17:46

She's y11. She doesn't need home schooling (as in teaching) at this point, she needs guided revision. I would expect her to have finished the syllabus in nearly everything (you would need to confirm this though).

So, things to think about:

Can she just stay home but turn up for the exams at current school?

This would be easiest logistically, but there may be concerns with bumping into the bully. Would they be willing to put your DD in separate rooms (maybe with children with various SEN) so she could be separate, and allow for different arrival/departure times to miss seeing the other pupils.
Would the school send home revision material, and mark stuff for you if you dropped it off & collected it?
You could argue for this kind of approach in exchange for you 'going quietly'.

If you pull her out and have to find a separate exam centre
- where could this be (contact local FE colleges, local schools etc) to see where she could sit as an 'external candidate'.
- how would this work for any exams with any practicals / coursework (including the science practicals which though not examined have to be signed off as having been done, and also the speaking & listening part of English Language)

I'd be looking at
either the school supports you with exams at school & revision material
or lets her leave without next terms fees being payable
(or you feel under no obligation to them and might decide to take further action)

No one would be pulling their DC out of a school at this point in y11 without serious cause. The school should show duty of care to you.

Mrsjayy Tue 11-Feb-20 12:21:08

You and your Dd were trying your best not let them win which is understandable but I think it has come to the point of no return, surely it is better for your dd to do her exams elsewhere than doing them under the stress of being harrased and harmed by this horrible cruel girl.

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