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How do you deal with bullying Y7

(21 Posts)
SecondaryBurnzzz Mon 18-Nov-19 17:08:34

My DD has an issue with another Y7 girl in her new school. MeanGirl has been sending her mean texts and generally being horrible, and we have emailed the HOY and told her what's going on. She has been excellent and offered to sit down with both girls to sort it out. MeanGirl is pretty confident and out there, DD is sensible but not very brave. Not sure whether to take HOY up on her offer, of if DD would get a reputation for being a snitch. I have no experience of this as we didn't have any of this at primary. What do I do?
DD isn't being physically threatened, and would rather it just went away, I would like it go away too, but don't see why this girl should get away with it.
Would getting the HOY involved sort it all out, or make it even worse? It's not such a serious matter that MeanGirl would get excluded or anything, but it has made my DD dread going to school.
What's the best way forward?

RedskyToNight Mon 18-Nov-19 17:27:15

Take HOY up on her offer. If Mean Girl retalitates, report it to head of year. Repeat as necessary. Sadly, it's unlikely to go away just by ignoring it. Does DD have nice friends? I'd suggest that she gets them to rally round and support her.

Yummymummy2020 Mon 18-Nov-19 17:29:32

I agree, I think take her up on her offer. At the end of the day it’s having a negative impact on your daughter and I don’t think it will sort itself out. Also, too much of this type of behaviour goes unnoticed so it’s great that your head of year wants to help!

SecondaryBurnzzz Mon 18-Nov-19 17:37:05

DD does have some lovely friends, but they're all the mouse-y types who just get on with their work! Meangirl is a bit more dominant.
I will ask HOY to speak to DD tomorrow and maybe they can come up with a plan together.
I am very grateful that the HOY is so lovely actually, especially considering what a hard job she must have. Thanks all.

Squidsister Mon 18-Nov-19 17:40:19

Yes I would go with HOY suggestion. If mean girl knows she can get away with this behaviour she will carry on. Better to nip it in the bud now.

SecondaryBurnzzz Mon 18-Nov-19 17:59:32

Actually that's a very good point, if she gets away with it this time, she could just carry on and pick on other too.

RedskyToNight Mon 18-Nov-19 18:28:21

My DD (13) also said that if she hasn't already she should block the girl's number to stop the texts, and if she's getting nasty messages in Group Chats she should leave the Group Chat (and possibly create a new one with her actual friends).

SecondaryBurnzzz Mon 18-Nov-19 18:33:24

Hi Red, that has happened already, and Meangirl was trying to muscle in on DD's group chat. she's left now because none of the kids on there wanted the drama.

Hadenoughofitall441 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:01:09

DS 11 who has asd has been getting bullied by one boy in particular, he’s out of control, says disturbing things and just will not leave my son alone. We’ve been back and forth from the school and they’ve excluded him regarding this and other things he’s done to others. Today he physically assaulted my son and has been further excluded. He’s seriously mental. Waiting to hear the outcome because he’s literally had about 30 Strikes. Parents dont Give a shit, next door neighbour knows the Mum and said she can not control him. Head of year has been useless but assistant head ofyear has been a godsend. Executive head is sorting now, apparently she didn’t know about half the stuff because head of year hadn’t been reporting it all. You need to get an advocate To fight her corner, if she has a particular teacher she’s close with.

SecondaryBurnzzz Tue 19-Nov-19 05:37:18

God Hadenough that sounds awful. I hope it all gets sorted soon for your DS.
I have been tossing and turning all night trying to work out whether we should get HOY involved or not, will it make it worse as DD may be labelled a snitch. Or if warned by the school will Meangirl just stop. She's obvs a nasty piece of work as her messages were really mean, and you could she enjoyed trying to make DD suffer.

If I don't get school involved with DD feel I have let her down.

aargh!

I have been looking on other posts and seen that there are www.kidscape.org.uk/kidscape-programmes/zap-community/Zap workshops for children who have been bullied. Might try to get DD onto one of those.

HeyMissyYouSoFine Tue 19-Nov-19 07:56:20

I had to speak to form tutor in yr 7 about nasty texts and phone calls few years ago for my eldest.

They were on it straight away next day - they were spoken to seperately by head of year. Mainly with DD1 to check she was okay.

In our case it did stop it though not sure everything stopped at school but at least DD1 knew we'd do something. I think that gave her a lot of confidence in dealing with rest that she could come back to us and school. Her friends also did pull round her afterwards as well.

She got an apology from a friend who'd turned though they talk they've never been close since.

There's been massive changes in leadership since inculding a ban on phones in school so I'm not sure we'd get such a positive response with younger kids if we needed it. DS had some issues before the ban but he just blocked, and told us, partly as people there weren't in his classes, with DD1 they were, and he has friends around him at break and lunch so it was less pattern and he didn't want us to do anything really.

So I'd do what RedskyToNight suggests - take them up on the offer and any fall out repeat with school.

Purpledragon40 Tue 19-Nov-19 10:04:25

If it wasn't Year 7 I would say the honest answer is don't snitch if it's minor (minor being not physical though cyber bullying is generally seen as above the level of verbal abuse) because HOY will probably just talk to the kid with no real consequence then the kid normally gets rather annoyed at the snitch.

In Year 7 though the HOY saying we know your a cyberbully is generally enough to get the MeanGirl scared and if lucky maybe cry.

I mean unfortunately (if I do quit teaching it will be because of this) there is an element of it's high school and mild bullying is so rampant your DD will have to toughen up. Just have friends, don't engage with MeanGirl or anyone who isn't a friend and if you get picked on just ignore.

MelissaCortezsPastry Tue 19-Nov-19 14:35:23

You need to agree to the HOY, sometimes it is good to have the victim see the punishment dished out to the perpetrator and also for them to feel that not only are they in the wrong but your DD is unwilling to accept this behaviour. Just because she is quiet doesn't make her an easy target.

My sons are in sixth form and half way through secondary school and we have been through this, even at one stage just my son's word against another boy. Stopped it dead.

If you leave this it just gives a green light for the girl to either keep up mean texting or verbally assaulting your DD and anyone else. I likened it to a child going into a shop and blatantly stealing a chocolate bar. If the shop owner doesn't stop them they are back for another chocolate bar, or next time 5 chocolate bars, a packet of crisps and a can of coke grin

A snitch is just someone who is technically a whistle-blower, someone who points out something wrong. The reason the person calls them a snitch is because they don't want a spotlight shone on their appalling behaviour and certainly not to adults who have the power to do something about it. Tell your DD that.

itsgettingweird Tue 19-Nov-19 19:26:48

Usually I'd say not to do this but it worked really well for a friend of mine. But the meeting was with mean girl and her parents and friends dd and my friend.

My friend said she was really embarrassed afterwards because she lost her shit and told the parent exactly what she thought of her girls behaviour and exactly what type of parent she was if she allowed it to continue.

Other girl never so much as looked at my friends DD ever again!

First things first though your dd needs to block her number. And screen shot the messages first.

SecondaryBurnzzz Wed 20-Nov-19 17:20:45

DD was intimidated again today, texted me from the loos, I emailed HOY and she got Meangirl immediately. Told her to keep away from DD and leave her alone. Hopefully this will be the end of it.
In addition to this, and looking to get DD onto an anti-bullying course, as am sure there will be a lot more of this to follow, and she will need to learn how to deal with it (sadly). Course is called ZAP, will let you know if we get a place and how it goes. Thanks so much for your support.

itsgettingweird Wed 20-Nov-19 18:09:44

Sorry your DD felt she needed to hide. I've been there with ds.
Glad school dealt with it immediately though. Hope your dd is ok.

RedPoppiesAndSpots Thu 21-Nov-19 16:48:26

If you'd like to give your DD some help from home try a few books. www.amazon.co.uk/Stand-Yourself-Your-Friends-Bossiness/dp/1609587383/ref=pd_sbs_14_t_0/258-7322087-4108124?psc=1&pf_rd_p=e44592b5-e56d-44c2-a4f9-dbdc09b29395&_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_wg=1sezV&pf_rd_r=A6B95EJ6SFWPNYJ7B0TY&pd_rd_i=1609587383&pd_rd_w=uPK88&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&refRID=A6B95EJ6SFWPNYJ7B0TY&pd_rd_r=fe2dbc36-bafb-4de9-8037-3f8269eea5b0 This may help. It maybe a bit young for her - but DD found it useful during issue at primary. From what I recall (though ours was an earlier version) it is basically saying the bullies are idiots, you are worth more than that and stick with your proper friends. But if you do want a few one-liner responses here are some to help.

SecondaryBurnzzz Thu 21-Nov-19 17:34:55

I made the mistake of bringing my DD up to be a "nice" friendly girl, and now she is surrounded by much more assertive types, she doesn't really have the skills to deal with nastiness. Although not nice being bullied whatever your character. I am booking her onto Kidspace course to do some role play and learn how to stand up for herself.

SecondaryBurnzzz Thu 21-Nov-19 17:48:19

I do know that assertive people aren't bullies and that nice people can bully too - I'm just feeling a bit hacked off!

XelaM Thu 21-Nov-19 22:24:18

OP, I so feel for you! My daughter is 9 and still in Year 5, but she's such a lovely, kind, sensitive, thoughtful girl and the girls at her school are so much more bossy, selfish and unkind (even her closest friend) that she has been having problems this year and I really feel for her. Even though she begged me not to tell the teacher, I first raised it with her form tutor and when he did nothing, I reminded him and still got no reply, so I emailed him and copied in the Head Teacher.

The Head Teacher got my daughter and the two main culprits together in her office the next morning to discuss the behaviour. My daughter was shocked (and upset with me) that I emailed the Head Teacher, but the very next day all the unkind behaviour stopped and those girls are being nice as pie.

Evenquieterlife33 Thu 28-Nov-19 19:41:13

Look up the schools anti bullying policy on the website. Write to the HOY explain what has been said to your daughter and that you regard this as bullying and would like it to stop. Yes she will know your daughter has reported the behaviour but this should deter the child from trying it again. Most schools have a staged system of sanctions that will be given to bullying children to stop their behaviour. I would look at this an an opportunity to stop this escalating.

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