Allergy bullying at school

[jebthesheep]

Hi, First post so sorry if this is a poor effort.
DS1 preteen has some experience with bullying at school, nothing terrible, just name calling, thumping, tripping etc. When it got too much, I have complained - There have ALWAYS been repercussions from the instigators after they were told off - we've been through the loops (tell again, react again etc). Ended with DS1 getting tougher, sucking up/fighting back : never resolved by school. OK then not great but liveable.
DS1 now insists we do not report to the school because it's not worth it, he will stop telling us what is going on if we betray his trust on this. So we just listen and support, and tell him that if it ever gets too much we will pull him from school but we will respect his judgement as to how much he feels he can take.
His allergies are multiple and serious (Risk of anaphylaxis, epi pens, inhalers trips to A&E from school from Primary years)
So now : Big lad who's brand at school seems to be, he's in charge, if there is any thumping to be done - he'll be the one to do it. If anyone else tries to get in on the thumping action he'll sort them because that's his fun. Telling is highly punishable by him.
DS1 has taken a few slaps from him but then so has everyone else, so he doesn't feel that picked on. No bruises, just seems to be the big lads way of keeping folk in line.
So DS1 gets stuck next to big lad at lunch and his food is deliberately contaminated by big lad. There is no attempt to hide it from DS1 so no harm done apart from a missed lunch.
If I report it, I have no reason to believe that DS1 can be effectively protected and he will no longer trust me. I have read the Anti-Bullying policy and it sounds lovely, but real life experience at the school proves that theory and practice are not the same thing.
If this is driven undercover it is potentially life threatening. It only takes a single round of telling off/react and it could be game over – DS1 is on the frontline not me, if I could take that risk for him I would in a heartbeat.
WWYD? and has anyone any experience or know of Preteen/Teen Allergy support groups in the South East (or online nationwide) where he/I would be welcome. I have already tried a major online general allergy support groups and they were really nice but this area is not really part of what they do.
Help please, I need the Mumsnet hivemind to help me navigate this one.

[user1494670108]

Christ almighty, i see your dilemma but i don't think you have any choice but to betray his trust and notify the school as the repercussions are so serious.
What an absolute twat

[MythicalBiologicalFennel]

Why are the police not involved? Am I missing something?

[purpleboy]

Could you speak to the school in confidence so DS does not get named in any of this? If the boy is as bad as DS describes then it could be any number of people who have reported him.
I think when your dealing with allergies you have to be extra vigilant, does your son understand the dangers associated with this, I mean really understand? What happens if next time he doesn't see, or bully boy does it to someone else which could result in a fatality and you and DS knew but didn't act on it? Could you live with that because I couldn't.

[jebthesheep]

All thanks so much for talking to me about all this.
My dilemma is I'm dammed if I do or don't - could I live with it if my action of betrayal brought serious harm on his head ?
Is there a better way round? What has been tried before - I can’t be the first parent to face this?
My confidence in confidentiality is not high. If there is no option but to tell, I will need a backup plan to get him out.
Any Homeschool groups out there with similar aged kids who would be responsible with allergies ?
Plan X is : if I have to pull him because I can't get this sorted, a report on the why and who will go to the school to protect others. He doesn't want to spend the rest of his school days in front of a computer on his own though, so trying to find a way round this dilemma is Plan A.
If it's to be Plan X - at least know I will have tried everything else.

Mythical : I don’t think I'd get far with the police - I don’t think contaminating his food is illegal if it isn’t a recognised poison, and if it were I have no proof. You are right though; there should be some law to protect this vulnerability as there rightly is with race, religion, disability and others.

[Lllot5]

I’m shocked by this. Your son shouldn’t have to put with this. I’d be spitting chips.
Keep him off school if you have to. You seem to have accepted that some bullying is inevitable. It’s really not.

[jellyjellyinmybelly]

I would move him to a different school.

I have an allergy to nuts and when I was 13 a 'friend' put a peanut covertly in my drink when I was at a party. Luckily I suspected something so didn't drink it and found out later. As an adult I've nearly died from anaphylaxis and it was pretty miserable not being able to breathe and cursing myself for eating the suspect food. It's scary to slip up and having a situation with a bully focusing on food is too risky.

Out of interest, what's been the barrier why you haven't already moved him? Sounds like bad bullying to me and school unable to deal with it, which is not OK. For me bullying at school I have no doubt has had a knock on effect on mental health in adult hood.

[Coconutbug]

I think that it is far too serious a thing not to report in this instance. I understand some of the other times but coming from working in a hospitality environment, we have serious laws about allergies and contamination. The starting threshold is fines etc but if it is serious you can actually be sent to prison. I'm not saying it would happen for the bully but if you do decide to report this, it should be explained to your son in that way to show how serious it is.
Children can be so horrible and I'm so sorry that this is happening to him

[juicyjuicymangoes]

Honestly I'd take him out. What an awful situation for you and your son. I don't know if it's a police matter or not but once I'd taken my DS out I'd make sure this boy is sorted out either by the school senior management team or the police as that could be classed as attempted murder.

[Walnutwhipster]

My son has allergies in the same way. He has a card that allows him to take a friend into lunch first sitting or whenever he feels like it. It would be a way of ensuring the bully isn't near him and that way you haven't betrayed him.

[BlankTimes]

I'd take son out of that school starting tonight. You don't have to immediately de-register him, so you have a breathing-space whilst you look around for other options.

You think if you tell, your son will be at the least beaten and at worst have his food deliberately contaminated and face death.

This situation is insane. Remove your son for his own safety.

Even if you don't tell, big lad could coerce or threaten someone else to contaminate your son's food.

Nothing seems to have happened to the boy who killed Karan, because he said " "I didn't know it would kill him."
www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2019/05/01/teenage-boy-threw-cheese-schoolmate-subsequently-died-tells/

Presumably this idiot you call big lad would say the same.

Also in Karan's case, the school staff were woefully unprepared in how to administer the epipens and when to call for an ambulance.
Considering the school your son is at appears to be unable to implement any form of discipline or safeguarding by normalising hitting, thumping, tripping up etc. that would also be a grave concern of mine.

[Alexandrite]

You think if you tell, your son will be at the least beaten and at worst have his food deliberately contaminated and face death.
This situation is insane. Remove your son for his own safety
I agree. My dc are at the local comp and it should not be like that. You don't have to put up with this. It's appalling. Move him

[The2Ateam]

OMG. All I can say is that if this was my child, the school, the police, that boy’s parents and most likely the loca press would know about it. I’m sorry but your sons food is being contaminated- I have two children with allergies so I know. This is unacceptable. Please make as much noise as you can with the right people, headteacher, if in london your schools police officer. The priority is to stop this.

[Plopplop987]

Hi OP,
I also have DC with a history of A&E admissions due to anaphylaxis. DC is only in primary but already has experienced allergy bullying, teasing, being poked with food etc.
Most of the schools are absolutely useless unprepared in dealing with severe allergies, from our experience.

I’d move you DS and request new school to keep the info about his allergies private.
Please don’t feel you and your son are alone in this - www.anaphylaxis.org.uk/campaigning/making-schools-safer-project/

[youarenotkiddingme]

Keep him off tomorrow.

Email HT directly.

Explain previous situations and how it's escalated. Point out your son has asked you not to intervene for fear of his safety and therefore they are inadequately safeguarding him.
Then explain about this boy and food.
Say you expect a workable plan of action by close of play tomorrow or you'll be personally holding them responsible for any injury, illness or as possible death.

[jebthesheep]

Hi, I am so grateful to all who have replied, it is reassuring to know that I am not being over dramatic .
I am sorry Jelly that a “friend” treated you that way, you did not deserve it, I’m glad that you has good instincts and saved yourself. I’m guessing that there were no serious consequences for the friend since, as others have pointed out, It is so often the way.
The reason I have not moved him already is that the school are actually very good on the medical procedures side - I went round loads of schools, and was only interested in that - results ? meh !
It was the best we found that he could get into, so being a Homeschooler would be the obvious next step.
The thing with this sort of situation is that is the child says they didn’t do it or says they didn’t mean it - what can the school do ? They might genuinely not mean to do something awful and stop or it might just go from overt which is bad to covert which scares the out of me. I get it that the school has a dilemma too - you cant accept guilt by accusation or assume intent unless they get caught more than once and I’m really not prepared to go there. This is a one time offence of this nature from Big Lad BTW and not his usual MO as far as I know.
Walnut, this is an interesting concept – something similar might be a good idea and benefit all the kids who have similar conditions Allergy kids (and grown ups for that matter) should only have to eat with people they trust. 100% an idea for the short list.
Plop I’m sorry that your DC has been through this and I’m really glad they made it to a better school. Hugs to you and all the Allergy people and Mums out there – It takes so much out of you to live with this hanging over you everyday.

[MythicalBiologicalFennel]

There are 2 angles to this:

How is the school protecting your child from danger of death ie contaminated food?

Presumably the bully is doing this because he knows about your son's allergies and their seriousness, ie he understands his (quite deliberate) actions are likely to kill someone. This is obviously a crime - apart from the previous assaults you have mentioned. Regardless of whether there is proof of who did it, someone is contaminating your son's food on purpose.

For background I have a nut allergy and have zero time for those who minimise allergies.

[youarenotkiddingme]

Mythical is right. Putting food onto someone's else's plate isn't exactly a common action. Combined with the physical abuse and the fact he knows the allergies it's a reasonable assumption to assume it's deliberate.

Schools will say anything to get out of accepting responsibility (not all but some!). What you have to do is point out the reasonable assumption and leave them no reasonable counter argument.

[Zodlebud]

You should report this to the police. It could well fall under a Section 20 offence as the child knows his allergies, put them in his food with intent and knew the consequences if he ate them. You should also, of course, contact the school.

But I really don’t understand why you and your son put up with being slapped and stuff let alone this latest incident. It is NOT normal behaviour but you seem to have normalised it. Get him out of there ASAP.

[missyB1]

I’m slightly bewildered as to why you minimise so much of the bullying that has been taking place. “A few slaps thumps etc” “big lad just keeping everyone in line” “this isn’t his normal m.o”
I’d have had him out of there ages ago.

[The2Ateam]

I agree with much of what has been said Op. you need to get out of the mindset that you need to do things like homeschool. You need to sort this out. If it’s not child it would be another one and that is just not acceptable.

[Teacakeandalatte]

Take your DS out of that school he shouldn't have to put up with bullying of any kind it's going to ruin his self confidence.

[CapturedFairy]

nothing terrible, just name calling, thumping, tripping

Even that is totally unacceptable. The fear of this alone every day in school is enough to affect a child's mental health.

I wouldn't send him back in until this is completely sorted out. Is every complaint in writing? Are they following their own bullying policy? Did you mark each event in your diary so you have a list of what was done, what school promised and whether they delivered on that promise?

The school my son's attend come down harsh on just name calling, even worse on physical altercations. Some 13 year olds are the size of fully grown men, this is why they nip it in the bud as soon as they can.

You sadly need to go into school to sort this out, the lunch thing could seriously do harm as you know. You have no choice.

[jellyjellyinmybelly]

Back in the day when I was at secondary school (more than 20 years ago!!) nut allergies were nearly unheard of and no school had a clue about them. Epipens came in when I was in year 7, before that I had to have a hypodermic syringe and vial of adrenaline (this is so dangerous and high risk for overdose btw!!!).

So what I'm saying is, I've grown up taking responsibility for my allergy rather than relying on the school. I remember being primary aged and well meaning adults trying to get me to eat things with nuts in and I had to be quite vocal to refuse! Certainly at secondary I carried my own two Epipens which school knew, but they let me get on with it. They didn't have extras in the school office or anything.
Both times in my life when I needed my epipen with proper life threatening symptoms (navy blue couldn't breathe /massively light headed and couldn't breathe) I've actually been able to give myself the epipen. Surprisingly so!!

It's not perfect but what I'm trying to say is don't discount moving other schools because they aren't as clued up on allergy stuff. Your son is a sensible pre teen who can take a lot of responsibility on himself. Of course having a good allergy policy and access to extra epipens in the office at school is a nice thing to have. But actually he is in so much more danger being bullied and having a kid potentially covertly contaminate his food and kill him, than he is protected by the school having a so called good allergy policy.

And for mental health reasons for his whole life, please please move schools. He will blossom in another school and you will all be so much happier.

Hugs xx

[CruCru]

Yes, please move him. This sounds so dangerous it's ridiculous. You should tell the current school that you have no confidence that they are able or willing to keep your son alive (which is the most basic thing a school should do).

[Tamalpais]

You can flame me for being over the top if you like but I would consider the bully's tampering with food to be attempted murder, or at least severe bodily harm.

And I would not stop until it was fully documented and on that boy's record.

It could save the life of another child.