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Please help y10 dd

(20 Posts)
hoxt Wed 11-Sep-19 20:56:50

Who has just started a new school. It was her choice but she’s finding it really tough settling in.

I have left 3 messages for the HoY who has yet to call me back 😒. The academics seem to be going not too badly although they need to put her in higher sets.

She is outgoing and sociable but finding it hard to break into friendship groups. I really feel for her.

All tips gratefully received.

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ps1991 Wed 11-Sep-19 20:59:44

I feel for her too, I’m a secondary maths teacher and know all too well how friendship groups can be set in stone. Try and make her aware that people probably are t purposefully trying to exclude her they’re all just excited to be getting back together and are set in their ways. Maybe she could join one of the sports/drama groups so she could get to know a smaller group with similar interests.

MotherFuckingLanguages Wed 11-Sep-19 21:00:07

If she starts acting ‘funny’ around food please for the love of fucking god do something please for my former self

Urm.. give it a couple more weeks

hoxt Wed 11-Sep-19 21:05:07

Yes I think clubs might be the way forward @ps1991. I was already going to mention them to HoY.

And YES @MotherFuckingLanguages I am super aware about potential eating issues, especially as it’s a girls’ school. She LOVES her food tho.

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MotherFuckingLanguages Wed 11-Sep-19 21:06:14

@hoxt that’s good wink

hoxt Wed 11-Sep-19 21:06:38

Also, I think she’s got a low level virus. Normally I’d give her the day off, but would that be a slippery slope??

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hoxt Wed 11-Sep-19 21:08:02

She told a girl today that eating only fruit was really unhealthy...

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MotherFuckingLanguages Wed 11-Sep-19 21:11:15

@hoxt well it kinda is..

hoxt Wed 11-Sep-19 21:13:46

Oh yeah, she has a really very sensible ahem attitude to food. The more the better!

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BarbariansMum Wed 11-Sep-19 21:23:15

Definitely clubs or sports, depending on where her interests lie. And - give it time. Its early, early days yet.

hoxt Wed 11-Sep-19 21:29:00

Yes it’s early days. The sadness is intense tho.

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ps1991 Wed 11-Sep-19 21:40:21

Also maybe get her involved in out of school clubs so she has some good friends away from the school.

You could ask the school to chat to some of the nicer girls and see if they can make an extra effort to chat to her. Most of the other students won’t notice that she’s not being included and so won’t think to make an extra effort.

It might be worth checking about seating arrangements and ask the school to make sure she’s not sat on her own in lessons. Then encourage her to make an extra effort with those people she’s sat next to.

I know that some of my ks4 groups have subject specific WhatsApp groups that the majority of the class are part of so they can chat about homework etc. Maybe get her to check if there’s any of those that she can join.

If you’re not having much luck with the HoY you could try contacting the pastoral team?

Just curious as to how you know her setting is wrong though?

hoxt Wed 11-Sep-19 21:57:24

@ps1991 They’ve put her in double science not triple. She was top 10 in her year of 180 at her old school. She was top set maths and she’s been put in the bottom set. I’m not a pushy parent, and I’ve worked in pastoral roles in schools for years so I know not to make a twat of myself, but that is just silly.

She loves her out of school drama class which is twice a week and much nearer new school. She has really strong friends there. So that’s a big bonus.

Fab tips about seating plans, WhatsApp and gentle prodding.

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Pythonesque Wed 11-Sep-19 22:25:06

If she's in the wrong classes to that extent, it needs sorting out asap and that may actually impact her ability to make friends with a "peer group". So I'd focus on that as a priority; she needs to know you've got her back.

I'd insist on arranging a meeting with HoY as a matter of urgency. If they can't arrange to see you early next week at the latest then ask for a meeting with someone higher. You need a face to face explanation of why she isn't in triple science and top half of maths sets (at least unless there's an extremely good reason), and assurance as to how they are going to sort it out. Good luck and hope it works out.

As regards when to stay off school - my mother always had us in bed most of the day if we were ill enough to be off school. If you think she is unwell enough that staying in bed (sleeping / reading) seems realistic then I'd keep her home.

hoxt Wed 11-Sep-19 23:12:24

You’re right @Pythonesque, we need to stop pissing around and get serious.

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mcmen05 Thu 12-Sep-19 11:01:34

@hoxt what was the reason for the move. Did your dd want to move.

Does she have friends from drama at school that she could be friends with.

My dd ( we live in ni) changed school in y10 because she done drama out of school and wanted to be with these people at school.
She also was put in double science with no consulting with parent and she just took the easy option as doesn't want to do anything science related when she finishes school so if your dd doesn't need science double will probably be ok but if she does it needs to be sorted.
The bottom maths is a real issue. My dd was put in a lower set and done a gcse maths exam early and was now moved up this year which will probably put her at bottom in that class now as she wasn't pushed enough last year.

hoxt Thu 12-Sep-19 17:21:39

The HoY rang me this morning, very apologetic, crossed wires about names. She had noticed the issues, so that's reassuring. I'm going in for a meeting next Thurs, maths is sorted and HoY is chasing science. So we are all working to the same goal.

Meanwhile there was some melting down on the phone so I sent her to find someone pastoral who looked after her for 2 lessons.

I met her from school and we've had a nice indulgent time. We've agreed that she needs to try and at least she's not her friend who's moved to Singapore 😕.

God but it's hard when they're sad. I'm an emotional wreck. But we'll get through this.

Thanks for all your ideas. I'm making a list to present the HoY with!

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Daddylonglegs1965 Thu 12-Sep-19 17:34:27

That sounds good that you have a meeting arranged and that HOY is getting the ball rolling. Less good as to how your DD was feeling.
Why did your DD move schools was it down to bullying?
My DD has problems in year 7 and 8 with this. She had a dreadful time but she opted to stick it out and had no intention of moving schools. She has some nice friends now all quieter girls. Not the popular girls or wannabe popular girls who will do anything to push themselves higher up the pile or anywhere near it but she is very happy now.
She has few so-called friends on social media only her real small group of friends and nice girls. I would push interests inside and outside of school and talking and doing nice things together as much as poss before she looses interest (milkshake hot chocolate and a cake), cinema, shopping or whatever.
She just needs to find her tribe. Good luck.

hoxt Thu 12-Sep-19 22:36:30

No she moved because she was at school locally and really didn’t like the lack of cultural diversity. New school is in central London. It was absolutely her choice, and she was very excited about starting. We weren’t super encouraging and kept talking about how hard it would be.

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Milliefizz Thu 12-Sep-19 22:38:44

I would encourage her to attend some extra curricular clubs and that way it will be easier to make friends with people who have similar interests. It will also stop her feeling lonely in the playground.

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