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Year 7, Ds is fine, I'm not. When will I adjust?

(22 Posts)
Ibakelotsofcakes Fri 06-Sep-19 17:51:45

Partly lighthearted. Ds has had a great first week at secondary school, despite not getting his first choice, and lots of upset over it initially. He's taking it all in his stride and I'm so pleased, hopefully it lasts.

I on the other hand am finding it so so hard to get used to. After 7 years of taking him to his primary every day, I suddenly feel so uninvolved. I'm already missing all the emails, text updates and newsletters from his primary, picking him up each day. (I know it's pathetic), I do work by the way but school hours. I keep thinking of the events that would be coming up, cake sales, fates, coffee mornings, sports days that I won't be as involved in. My little boy is becoming a young man.

When do you start getting used to it?!

OP’s posts: |
ineedaholidaynow Fri 06-Sep-19 17:57:50

DS's secondary school still does quite a few of those things and asks parents to get involved so I haven't escaped those sorts of things yet!

I used to be a parent volunteer at DS's Primary so found it quite strange not doing that and the school run. I have now become a Governor for the school so I haven't escaped that school either!

Shylo Fri 06-Sep-19 18:02:17

My DD started year 7 last year and I felt much like you .... I’m not sure when i started to feel ‘used to it’ to be honest, but what I can say is that going into year 8 felt complete normal lol

I think it takes a few weeks to feel less anxious and then from there it all moves on

Rockbird Fri 06-Sep-19 18:02:41

I know what you mean. DD1 started secondary yesterday and I feel a bit bereft. DD2 is only in year 3 so I still have a long time in primary. But I worked in the primary the last couple of years and have moved schools now so I'm feeling a bit at sea with that, and DD1's move. It's all a bit weird and I'm feeling very nostalgic for last year.

sitlux Fri 06-Sep-19 18:27:32

Feeling weird as well, although I work full-time and was not that much at school runs. I did volunteer at school events though.

My DD is worried that I'm bombarding her with questions every day she comes home. She's even asked me whether I thought something was wrong with the school... smile

Anybody else checking compulsively the school apps (sims parent, showmyhomework, parentpay) and the school website, to compensate? smile

Ibakelotsofcakes Fri 06-Sep-19 18:56:28

Thanks, glad I'm not the only one.

Sitlux I am! I keep checking all the different things. I'm also bombarding ds with questions, I want to know everything. He doesn't seem to mind though.

OP’s posts: |
thebear1 Fri 06-Sep-19 19:00:02

I feel similar, ds has never been one to talk much about his school day but at least with primary I knew the school and met other parents. I am trying to not ask too many questions.

Oblomov19 Fri 06-Sep-19 19:01:55

Your'll get used to it.
You need to step back. The whole point of secondary is that there is less parental involvement. Actually you are just as involved, but in a different way.

Thehouseintheforest Fri 06-Sep-19 19:42:43

I second that ^... and please don't EVER thing about doing what I saw yesterday at pick up. (DD on crutches after a rather raucous Reading festival- never normally pick her up.)
A mum at the school gates rushing towards her yr 7 Ds .. and grabbing his hand to walk him home/to the car. Poor boy was mortified and kept trying to release her grip... in front of a gazillion pupils. Lots of laughter and finger pointing but mum carried on regardless of her inappropriate behaviour.. poor boy.

Darbs76 Fri 06-Sep-19 21:42:19

Our school has a PTA still and weekly newsletter - if people want to be involved. To be honest all the things you miss are the things I do not miss. My daughter broke her wrist over the holidays so I’m still taking her at the moment.

I’ve increased my hours now my daughter has started. Maybe time for a new hobby or extend your hours? You’ll get used to it I’m sure soon

Ohnononono Fri 06-Sep-19 21:52:12

I have two at secondary now and you do get used to it. I thought I would miss all the primary activities but after many years of doing the PTA / baking cakes etc it’s actually a relief!
I know you probably want to be informed about every little thing, but this is the chance for your child to start having a part of their life independent of you. It’s good for their confidence to know they can manage without you 🙂

namechange865 Fri 06-Sep-19 22:27:53

It's hard! My son's been told not to tell anyone the password to his intranet account - including his parents. We've got our own app too, which has information aimed at us - but the expectation is that all his emails from his teachers, and his homework tasks etc, are just for him to manage. Trying not to helicopter!

lazylinguist Fri 06-Sep-19 22:32:56

God - I love the lack of involvement! No more costumes, cake sales, bring in an X, Y or Z days! My year 7 ds tells me what he's been up to - I don't need umpteen emails from school. I can't fully escape the primary school rigmarole though - I work in 5 of them!

Vagndidit Sat 07-Sep-19 08:55:45

Oh goodness, yes, I am completely unsettled by the newness of it all. Bear in mind that secondary school in the UK is a completely different experience from my education growing up in America, I feel like I haven't a clue about what's going on. I hated the social aspect of primary school parenting---never did manage to find a tribe to talk to at home time, but boy do I miss the predictability of it all.

quissum Sat 07-Sep-19 10:51:48

I think it's going to be about finding a balance. You want them to do well in their lessons, not forget to do their homework and make friends, but you also want them to start taking responsibility for all that. I'm still helping a bit with homework management and not forgetting stuff for now, but will look to reduce the help very quickly. We had a nice speech from the year head about letting them make their mistakes now, when it doesn't really matter too much, so they're better at organisation later on when it does matter. It's still weird though - DS has gone from a small primary where I knew all the kids and their parents extremely well, to a secondary where neither of us knows a soul. Like a PP said, they've suddenly got a section of their life that you are not really part of - not a bad thing, but definitely an adjustment.

user1483778494 Sat 07-Sep-19 11:45:46

I know exactly what you mean. Daughter only started on Thursday so she has only done two days but I feel a piece of me is missing. I am taking a few days off work to get her into the swing of her new routine. However I have a younger daughter in year 2 and the school run felt very strange not collecting both girls. I was chatting to the before and after school club lady at how horrible it is letting go. Even the fact that she is walking home on her own has had me worried sick. I declare myself emotionally exhausted from it all but I am hoping this letting go lark gets easier. I have checked her school bag though and taken a photo of her timetable so I know what she will be doing and when PE is so I can make sure she has her kit. I have to have some control 😅😄

user1483778494 Sat 07-Sep-19 11:50:11

Sitlux 😂 I thought it was just me checking the school website for clubs, homework etc. I have even checked parentpay to see that she has managed to get lunch and what she has eaten 😂

BubblesBuddy Sat 07-Sep-19 12:31:01

My DDs both went to boarding school at 11 and I trusted them to eat! You do have to assume they have some common sense!

I also went to lots of activities where parents were encouraged to attend. So
Music events, theatre productions, house events and competitions. I actually spent more time seeing my DDs in school than any state parent I know! So keep busy during the day, let them mature and remember things and don’t worry. You should have taught them about traffic and road safety by now!

berlinbabylon Sat 07-Sep-19 15:08:36

God - I love the lack of involvement! No more costumes, cake sales, bring in an X, Y or Z days

Don't count your chickens, we still had a couple of dressing up days at secondary. And they do cake sales.

lazylinguist Sat 07-Sep-19 15:11:05

Mine don't! The new Head has banned non-uniform days, never mind dress-up days, and dd is in year 10 there and there's never been a cake sale as far as I know.

PenguinsRabbits Sat 07-Sep-19 15:39:17

Our secondary does a weekly newsletter and parents are invited to sports day as well as some events though am told its the height of social embarrassment if parents go whilst kids are there so we don't go. I used to enjoy sports day but some of primary's events were so busy you couldn't move and don't miss those.

I do have one with SN (DS) so get and send so many e-mails - I have more updates than ever before, even had staff send me photos of good work DS has done. So similar amount of contact for me with staff as at primary. Initially it rose as he was new.

Both the children tell me all about their days - DS gave a 25 minute non-stop talk of day 1 so there's not much I miss. Only thing I miss is contact with other parents as we moved areas and the kids playdates used to be adult playdates too. grin

You could always join PTA or governors if you want more involvement. I do obsessively check go for schools - no idea why really, data on it is amongst the worst quality I've ever seen, just mass quantity entered in random ways. The food - well its a bit hit and miss with eating, some days they've eaten, some days they haven't and some days they appeared to have fed a third of the class (DD buys meals for kids that can't afford them). But we live really close to school and they are only there from 8.30am to 3pm so they always get food from the shop if they haven't eaten. They are getting better about it, its just school queues are so long or they've forgotten their lunch card.

Mine have walked to school since year 5 and we are 5 minutes walk through the safest rural village so no worries there.

reluctantbrit Sat 07-Sep-19 22:13:57

I love it. DD walked already alone in Y6 so I didn’t pick up until Summer term when I was involved in the end of year party and had to talk to some parents (still shudder about it).

In my option there is too much involvement in primary school.

We had a couple of drama costumes to sort out in Y7 but nothing seriously. Charity days are just a small piece like socks or hair band, not a full outfit in whatever colour.

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