Were kids always this outspoken?

[Smith888]

My DS often tells me that many kids often put him down, say he's ugly, rubbish at sport or joke about his grades. He went into year 7 not knowing anyone. Sadly we had no choice but to move home and the new school has been a huge shock, and sounds just like an American high school movie!

DS is sweet and a loyal friend, but he's not a cool kid. He's had some very good strong friendships in the past and leaving them behind has been very difficult for him.

DS has made a couple of friends, but realises they won't be friends he will ever see out of school. He obviously tried to make more. He says kids often just ignore him or walk off, or they are downright rude and very clear he's not wanted. DS is knowledgeable so he comes across smart, but academically does struggle - he appears mostly average to above average in some subjects. Last term eg a boy grabbed his book to prove to other kids he wasn't as smart as he appeared and they all had a good laugh at his expense. A boy threatened to beat him up, a girl called him gay, constantly tells him he's an idiot, weirdo etc (she does have major problems tbh and does this not just to DS but many boys). These are almost daily put downs by multiple kids so it's not bullying. He's becoming more withdrawn with the constant put downs.

What's more DS is in an outstanding secondary known for its pastoral care. My son has a sixth form mentor but other than that no help. There are so many children with terrible problems that need help more than him!

So my question really is, is this something new for this generation or was I just very lucky growing up? I had the occasional sly remarks about being a swot, I was chubby but never told that by my friends. I only remember one incident of name calling in secondary growing up!! I'm female. Maybe it's always been this way amongst boys? Even my DH says he endured a lot of name calling but with the other stuff hes baffled.

Do kids just have no filter these days??

We are moving DS to a new school but are still apprehensive that this is just the way things are these days.

[Punxsutawney]

I think things are worse than they used to be. I work in a primary school and many children are really outspoken now, some don't seem to have any respect for the adults in school or their peers.

My Ds has possible SEN and is in year 10. He is picked on and called names, had his possessions stolen and damaged. This is at a selective state school. You would think that most children would want to be there to learn. But there is daily disruption. I have a 19 year old and youngest ds's year seem so much worse in terms of disruption and poor behaviour than the even four years ago.

[SlidingDoor]

That’s not being outspoken, it’s bullying. And sadly it’s always happened. Everything you described could have happened in my comp in the 90s. The difference now is there is no relief after school that’s to gaming and social media.

[Smith888]

I didn't get any of that though and neither did my friends, or my new friends at different schools. Were we all just very, very lucky then? I'm really sorry to hear you had the same experience.

Even in clubs he will get a sneaky jibe as to how rubbish he is at whatever..... there's no respite.

I know a girl at the same school and she says she's stuck in a miserable friendship group and can't make friends with other kids now. It seems this is just the way it is? Do kids just make friends in primary and then stay in those groups until college/uni?

Problem is he's so withdrawn now he's giving up on even trying to make friends.

[SlidingDoor]

I think you were probably luck as I expect are many happy kids I. Your son’s current school.

It sounds like a school with a real problem. My year 8 was the only person from their primary who went to their secondary and has made good friends as when there have been problems in friendship groups the school has stamped down on mean behaviours. I would get your son out of their ASAP.

[Luby40]

I have a 4 DC and yr 10 generation is the worst ever, they show no respect for elders or each other......the parents don't discipline so I think the teachers don't bother, half the time the teachers get a mouthful off the parents if they do!
I took my 15 yr old DD out the last week of term due to bullying and when I asked what punishment the girl will get school said they aren't going to punish her because it will make her worse!!! Its scary!
I hope you DS is ok, it's horrible for them x

[EleanorOalike]

I don’t think it’s a generational thing. This was definitely my experience of school in the late 90s early 00s. Your poor son, it sounds like he’s been through a terrible time.

[Smith888]

My son was properly bullied at his previous school, but at least he had good friends who stuck up for him. I really want him to move schools after Easter (he can) but he refuses to and feels strongly it's better to finish the year. I guess at least he will have the summer to recuperate. Maybe he's right and after Easter would be too disruptive.

[pointythings]

This isn't new. It happened to me in the 80s in the Netherlands and only stopped when we got to an age where the bullies and I ended up in different and completely segregated sets so we did not interact.

Some schools are just bad at handling bullies. As for the 'children don't respect their elders any more' BS - Plato is on the record saying the same thing 2000 years ago. We tend to view the past through rose-tinted lenses and demonise the present. A small subset of teenagers are awful, most are pretty decent. Just like, well, people in general.

[Jossina]

Have you talked to the school? His Head of Year?

I agree with Pointythings and others. It's definitely not just this generation. There have always been bullies, name calling, shunning etc. Two major things make 2019 different. Schools are (supposedly) doing more about it and acknowledging that it isn't just something all children go through. At the same time, social media often means children can't get away from it.

Hope you and your son can work it out.

[SinkGirl]

I started at an all girls grammar in the 90s and it was exactly like this. My life was miserable. I suspect it’s worse now because of social media.

[Birdie6]

These are almost daily put downs by multiple kids so it's not bullying

But surely that is exactly what bullying is ? I'd be speaking to the pastoral care person about this.

[Walkaround]

Well, it was like that in the 70s and 80s.... Much less so for my children, now. I think, therefore, your ds is just very unlucky to have ended up in a year group dominated by bullies.

[BackInTime]

I think this behaviour has always been around but it is certainly worse. I believe part of the reason is that kids that behave like this have no fear of consequences. They know that parents will defend or excuse their poor behaviour and schools are just left to deal with it. At my DCs school some kids joke about being able to get away with stuff because they have behaviour issues. If they bully or hit another kid they get sent to the school councillor and then laugh later about how they get away with no punishment. The victims of this behaviour just have to put up with it.

[TheTreeHearsYourSecret]

My son has experienced this on an almost daily basis, but he didn't report any of it so when it all kicked off and someone physically attacked his best mate it was the first school, or I, knew about it.

Now he knows to report it and has done and it has mostly stopped. There are always kids trying to put him down and as his older brother pointed out they are the insecure ones, why do they need to say anything? Blowing out someone else's candle doesn't make yours shine brighter.

But he has the support of the staff telling him how great he is so he has a balance of kids trying to belittle him and yet a good small set of friends, all weird, geeky and smart which is fantastic. They rarely meet up outside of school due to geography but this is where gaming headsets come into play.

They have a regular game session of D&D on a weekend over headsets, also play games online together, sometimes all of them, sometimes just 2 of them. It is a lovely thing to hear them all laughing doing something they all enjoy.

Try to encourage that, rather than hanging out at the local park. But he needs to learn to report stuff. It is bullying and the other children need to know they can't keep treating people that way.

I went to a very strict Catholic school so people rarely stepped out of line, today people are more gobby and buoyed up by how the internet is a nasty playground of insults and hatred.