DD struggling at secondary

[Meandkids]

Hey all,
My dd has had friendship issues all the way through her current secondary school life, currenrly coming to the end of Year 8. She initially had a group of pals at start of Year 7, once decided she didn't like her and turned all the others against her. It took a long time and a lot of courage her to try and permeate another group within her form. She did this but this hasn't been successful and since last weekend, she has been crying and saying she hated going in, she is isolated, kids are ignoring her etc etc
It breaks my heart to see her sooo unhappy and I have been forcing her to go into school. I have contacted the school but she is reluctant to talk to anyone as she gets grilled on her return about what she has been talking about.
I feel for her, and hate the fact that after 2 years she is still so lost. We have talked about changing schools, but she is aware that it could be as bad somewhere else...
Any advice would be awesome...
Thank youxxx

[Ggirl27]

She is unhappy - and I've been there with my DCs. She has tried and she can't make other children be her friend unfortunately. If I were you I would just accept that this school is not working for her. Get on the phone, ring round other schools before they shut for the holidays and see if they have any places and could take her. You'll then know your options. If she's struggling socially it will have an impact on her work and a surely a new school can't be any worse than the one she's in now. You'll then have the summer to help her relax and get over it all and the prospect of a new start in September. I really feel for her - kids are so vile sometimes.

[BubblesBuddy]

She should be able to talk to the pastoral care team in confidence and does not need to tell others about these conversations. How do other children know who she’s talking to? Keep it quiet.

However, I would also contact other schools. I agree that it cannot be worse and perhaps she needs a new start? Y9 is a good time.

[Notcontent]

Could she try to make friends with girls in other forms?

[ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs]

As a mum of a 14 yo and a 13 yo dd, I have been through this twice ( still having issues with dd2) . I think this stage is the worst for breaking and making friendship groups. Dd1 struggled, then it just seemed to come together, and now she has a completely different and lovely little group of friends. Dd2 is still struggling a litt le, but I think she will come out the other side ok.

I listen a lot, often say the wrong thing or give "stupid" advice. I hate that I can't fix it, but they know they can drain down on me at the end of (every!)day. Have faith in your dd, and keep talking/ listening. This is the difficult stage. In a couple of years she will have forgotten how bad it was ( like my dd1, who swears she never had friend issues )

[Titsywoo]

DD has been similar. She does have some friends in other forms but they are very up and down and aren't the greatest. The kids in her own form see her as the "weird one" and the weaker kids just follow the popular ones so she has no chance. I have suggested moving her but she really doesn't want to so all I can do is listen if she needs to talk and make sure her life outside school is as good as possible. I often feel like I'm doing the wrong thing but I really think she is just socially awkward and a move could be even worse for her. DS starts there in Sept which might be helpful for her. He has Aspergers and I'm worried how he'll get on to be honest. It's bloody hard to watch. Kids can be little bastards.

[BubblesBuddy]

I’m afraid children in the first few years of secondary school are not mature adults. They don’t think like adults and many are not hot wired to be inclusive and see other children for what they really are. This is why there are always the ultra popular children and a few that don’t fit in - yet.

I don’t totally agree that these children are little bastards. You are putting your adult common sense onto them but they make decisions about friends in a different way. In the end they get used to a “weird one” and they are a far more mature group as they go through GCSEs together and realise that people they once didn’t have time for are worth getting to know. I fully realise it’s not ideal but it will improve.

Sadly you cannot force other children to like your child. Children are fairly tribal and although they may be weak willed (the wannabes) they cannot help it. They won’t be leaders in this world but are happy to tag along with the leaders. Gradually they will look around them and find other friends as they get older.

[Titsywoo]

When I say little bastards I'm talking about the kids who are deliberately spiteful not the ones who just don't like my child. Some of the things they say are awful. The school deal with it of course but it never fully stops them. They may be immature but then so are my children yet somehow they manage to be kind and decent.

[Titsywoo]

Op was your dd ok socially in the last couple of years at primary? With my dd she was already struggling with friendships which makes me think moving her would mean the same issues happening again. If your dd was ok maybe she got unlucky with her class. Could she move to another form?

[Meandkids]

Thanks guys, I have since found out that she is quite needy with her friends, she had an issue with a child in year 6 and I think that has coloured her opinion of what a 'friend' should be as this girl controlled her and didn't let her think for herself, she shouted at her, but always defended her to others... I think she came across a similar child in year 7, which made life hard, and she had to gravitate into a new group. I think she 'needs' a close friend and finds it hard to share them and so becomes angry and cross and who wants to be around a kid like that?
Tricky one, I am hopeful that the forms will be swapped about for the start of the year but that is still up in the air, or that we could consider a form move.
I have managed to get her into school last few days and apart from the odd 'I want to come home' text, not much more has come. I just want her to stop being the victim...
I am hoping she will let the school help her...
I have also been recommended this book
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1476764662/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?psc=1&ie=UTF8&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Anything's worth a try?!!

[ElleMcFearsome]

Also Queen Bees and Wannabes is worth a read too, if only to try and understand all the social manoeuvring!