How are your kids' GCSEs or A levels affecting YOUR mental health?

[Wonderwine]

I wanted to start a thread to chat specifically about the impact of exams on the rest of the family.

We have DS1 doing A levels ad DS2 doing GCSEs so we always knew this was going to be a horrible term, but I think I massively underestimated the way in which exam season would impact me (and to some extent DH too).

Here are some of the ways it's affected me which I hadn't really thought about before:

• the energy required to be constantly 'on call' for any revision crisis/ needing to stay positive to reassure and 'talk up' the DCs confidence when they have a wobble
  
• feeling responsible for making sure that they eat/ sleep/revise/have downtime sensibly
  
• DH ranting at me when he comes home and asks about how much revision DS2 has done
  
• accepting random angry outbursts from the DCs as 'understandable' and trying to ignore
  
• constantly having to answer questions like "what happens if I don't get my grades and can't go to Uni/ Sixth Form?'
  
• constantly being required to replenish exam stocks of black pens, protractors, bottled water
  
• feeling like I need to know DS2's timetable (he has a mild SpLD) to ensure he is always where he should be
  

I feel totally shattered and wrung out and the exams have only just started.
DS2 came home yesterday after Biology and had an angry rant because "you didn't tell me to revise yeast and fermentation.."
(He did apologise later though)

This morning I woke up with a panic attack as I though DS1 had slept in and he had a Maths exam (he hadn't - he was already up).

[Astronotus]

What really stands out from your list is "DH ranting". He needs to stop ranting at you and calmly timetable some time with your DS2 each evening to ask him what revision he has done/going to do. Knowing this will happen every evening should push your DS2 to get a little more organised.
Get some sleep yourself and set two alarms for each morning.
Good luck.

[Mumto3teenagekids]

Sorry to be negative but it sounds to me like you are too heavily involved. I make sure there is space and quiet for the revision to happen, feed them well and listen when they want to talk. We don't allow any phones, which are downstairs during the day ( i try to be at home as much as possible- a bit boring- but ho hum...). Other than that I leave it to them. We figure you cant make a 16/18 year old revise if they don't want to , you can just set expectations.... I have the timetables on the family calendar and just check they are going in at the right times....

[titchy]

Why the fuck is your dh ranting to you? That needs kicking into touch right away.

I agree it's a stressful time in most households, but your reaction seems to be more than usual? Plan Bs should have been thought about and put into place long before this. Ranting at anyone, however stressed they are, is absolutely not allowed. Bucketloads of pens should have been bought beforehand.

It is only a few weeks though. Chin up!

[Wonderwine]

Mumto3 - yes, I probably am, but it isn't helped by the fact that I work from home so am here a lot of the time.

To be honest, DS1 is mostly self-sufficient (as you'd expect at 18) but it's managing DS2's emotions which is the hardest. He has issues with organisation and structuring revision, also memory problems generally, as a result of his learning difficulties, so DH & I have had to be more involved than we'd ideally like. He gets so easily distracted he can 'forget he's meant to be revising' and unless I check in with him regularly he will have 'absconded' from his desk!

[Astronotus]

OP. Nothing wrong with you being involved with DS2's revision. We've all been there. Just get your DH to take some of the load. And buy yourself some chocolate!

[Wonderwine]

Titchy - oh yes, Plan Bs have been discussed ad nauseum, but they seem to need repeating whenever there's a wobble!

I bought loads of black/coloured rollerball ink pens and couldn't understand where they'd all gone from the 'stationery drawer' until I discovered DH had replenished his laptop case .

[Seeline]

Wonder - I am similarly placed. Work from home so very aware of what is/isn't being done . DS has no special needs but lacks concentration and also has a tendancy to wander off mid-session. That said, I think I am more stressed than him, and will be glad when it's all over. Just the results then.......

[BlueJava]

I have twin DSs doing GCSEs at the moment but no massive stress. They've had so many tests and mocks they seem used to it. They are responsible for what they revise and doing it on time, plus attending their exams on time. I do not check up on them - they own the plan and the revision. If they want to play Fortnite it's up to them... but I won't be picking up those pieces and they know that. If you chase them for GCSE revision they will not learn what they need to do for A Levels and Uni is my reason.

The only thing I have done is ask them what they'd like for breakfasts and any snacks they want to take and got them in, plus checked they had pens/pencils case etc according to requirements a while back. I genuinely believe they find their own level.

Why have an argument about "absconding from his desk" it's his life, not yours, that he is absconding from - that's how I view it anyway. I personally advise really decreasing involvement and teaching them what is their responsibility. I know that's tough but they should try their best and any major screw ups are not irreversible at 16.

[jimijack]

Wading through treacle...uphill...in lead boots, that's how it feels.

I have a child who seems to be lazy, cba attitude, will not do anything beyond the absolute minimum.
Hates school, Hates his teacher's, hates the work, hates even talking about it. Defeatist, unmotivated, uninterested.

We go round and round in circles.

I think part of the problem is he doesn't know what he wants to do. He is nearly 15, in year 10 and the pressure is already on to score high.
Mocks were an utter disaster.

End of tether, worried and frightened for his next year.

[CarrieErbag]

Our situation is slightly different as we home ed.
Motivation is quite difficult and the main stress at the moment is travelling to the exam centre. At least an hour away, so some very early starts with lots of stress if you see a traffic jam/accident on the motorway.

[CarrieErbag]

Forgot to add I'm drinking far too much wine as my coping mechanism.

[BackforGood]

I hear you OP.
Does depend on the child though - this is my 3rd, doing her GCSEs, and they've all been different.
It is good (for them) that I work from home quite a lot and can 'be there' when they suddenly need something urgently.
Plus there's the impact of them being 'let off' jobs they normally do at home.

[Wonderwine]

BlueJava - I share your philosophy mostly, and certainly my eldest is responsible for his own revision and destiny at this stage.
I don't feel I can let DS2 fail at this stage if I can help him - he is a fairly developmentally young 15 year old with some particular problems which make the whole exam thing a big deal for him.
Now is not the time for a 'sink or swim' approach, although DH & I have already talked about how he needs to take responsibility for himself, over the next couple of years, by A levels.
I think a lot of 15 year old boys don't have the emotional maturity to make good decisions about things which disproportionately impact their future.
I figure if we can help facilitate him getting a decent clutch or GCSEs then this will set him up for the next stage, and then when the hormones have calmed down a bit we can ensure he develops the personal organisation stuff.

[BlueJava]

I see what you mean *Wonderwine" I did start pretty early with getting them to take responsibility thing. Plus they are used to me travelling abroad a lot for work so don't necessarily expect me to be here all the time.

[TheSecondOfHerName]

I also have one doing A-Levels and one doing GCSEs this year. They both have additional needs, so possibly need more support than some teenagers.

The evening before the first GCSE exam I was feeling really anxious, but now the exams have started that has improved.

Both have study leave (only going into school for exams) so I do have to check that their alarm has woken them up and that they remember to turn up to each exam, and fit this around my own work.

There's a bit of extra peace-keeping involved at home; the A-level student is stressed and on edge (mental health problems), the GCSE student can't cope with noisy environments (ASD) and there are also thirteen year old twins in the house.

So far, it's not quite as bad as I was anticipating, but we are only a few days into the GCSE exams and the A-level exams haven't started yet, so I'm aware that it may all kick off after half term.

[BigSandyBalls2015]

We went through GCSEs last summer and I found it very stressful. DD hated school, quite often refused to go during year 10 and 11, did very little revision, except for last minute cramming the night before.

I had to haul her out of bed every morning and drive her to her exams for weeks. I had to be on her case constantly or she wouldn't have gone and she wouldn't have achieved any GCSEs. I fell out with DH on numerous occasions as he felt I was getting too involved and she should have been more responsible, which is correct, she should have been .... but she wasn't and I wasn't prepared to let her fuck it up. She was immature for her age.

My some miracle she managed to wing it and achieved 10 GCSEs, all reasonable grades.

I prayed she would mature during the course of year 12 when she chose to take A levels at 6th form, against my advice - due to her lack of work ethic I wanted her to take a more vocational route doing something she enjoyed rather than put herself through the misery of more studying and school work. Wouldn't listen.

We are now coming toward the end of year 12 - very little work has been done, attendance is about 50%. I'm waiting for the email from school to say she has to repeat the year.

The difference is ...... I've backed off big time. She HAD to get GCSEs to get any sort of job really, whereas A levels are a choice. If she messes up that's up to her.

Good luck to everyone, it's really not easy with some kids. Even with ones who do study and focus it's a tricky time (my other DD falls into this category).

[dogzdinner]

It's actually less stressful than normal school - I think there's a relief the exams have finally arrived, there's less rushing around than normal as he doesn't have to be in school all day everyday, he hasn't got the usual bullying/banter that goes on on a normal school day and as a single parent I don't have anyone else interfering or requiring my time.

[Wonderwine]

SandyBalls - she should have been more responsible, which is correct, she should have been .... but she wasn't and I wasn't prepared to let her fuck it up. She was immature for her age.

Yes - exactly this! I figured I'm willing to put myself through some pain just to get through the GCSEs and avoid a nightmare of having to switch schools/ do resits etc.
In DS2's case, he claims he wants to do well but just hasn't yet made the connection between focused input and results.
His SpLD diagnosis came very late - in Year 10 - so I think DH probably have some guilt issues around not realising he was struggling sooner too .
Doing GCSEs "together" has hopefully helped him learn how to manage the process for next time.

[KittiesInsane]

Not too stressed by DD and the GCSEs (sounds like a very boring pop group).

Very tense about her brother (with SEN), who is looking unlikely to pass this year's university exams and is avoiding talking to anyone official about it.

The snag is that DD herself tends to ask, 'Any word from DS?' when she gets home. I would prefer to shield her from it and let her get on with fretting about her own revision.

[KittiesInsane]

I feel for you, OP and TheSecond!

[uselesstwonk]

My DS has his first iGCSE tomorrow and I am feeling nervous because I have to get him to the bl**dy place on time! It's been a tough year for us all because we moved back to UK and he couldn't go to school for a year so I've had to cut back on my hours to be around to help him. Since Easter, I've not worked, so on top of everything else I am feeling poor and anything else please!

[TeenTimesTwo]

OP. I know where you are coming from. DD1 did GCSEs 3 years ago. I had to be very hands on as she got a dyspraxia diagnosis in y11. I needed to micro-organise her revision timetable and do a lot of it 1-1 with her. It cost a lot of mental energy managing stress levels - enough to keep her going but not too much to overwhelm her. (but it was worth it in the end).

I am now ramping up for DD2, who is only y8, but has exams after half term. She also has SpLDs ...

[ragged]

I'm not stressed in slightest, sorry.
Every year, many threads hand-wringing about D-teen not revising.
I say "Your own sanity matters more & plus, you can't make them revise."
Everyone else says "You must never stop trying to make them revise."
OP agrees with everyone else, never wants to hear what I said.

So I conclude most people think the insanity is worth it.

[Wonderwine]

ragged - I think it depends why the D-teen isn't revising... if they are steadfastly refusing and telling a parent to F-off then I'd be inclined to agree with your approach. However what I'm hearing from others on here is that there are some teens who simply haven't yet mastered the personal organisation (or struggle due to SpLDs) to follow through on a structured, efficient revision plan, and in these cases the parent feels they have no alternative but to step in to help?

I think there are lots of occasions in life where you can 'let them fail' so they learn, but in my opinion GCSEs aren't one of them - they can literally change the course of the direction of a teen's life - that's not something to gamble with.

Yes, I guess I must agree that the insanity is worth it for a few weeks, but I still want to come on here and moan to others .

[ragged]

I am not British so don't get the moaning thing. I accept it's what Brits do. DD scolds me for not getting it.

Should I just assume every MN thread is really just an excuse for giant MOAN unless clearly indicated otherwise? Maybe that's the only route to preserving my own sanity.