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Am I putting too much pressure on dd17?

(20 Posts)
Restingwitchface Fri 06-Oct-17 12:07:23

And I think I am making her anxious sad

She got DUE in her ASs. Staying on and repeating year 12 with two different subjects.

She doesn't work hard enough. She is convinced that she does, but I know that she doesn't. Every time I go upstairs she is watching a film or sleeping, she does keep on top of her homework but she doesn't do any more than that IYSWIM.

She's just had a test at school and come out saying it was hard and she's done badly. I am so so so sick of hearing it. I helped her decide what she wanted to do after the shock of ASs and we went round in circles for weeks. I've been there every step of the way. But now I've sort of lost patience. I have said to her she needs results now, so good marks in tests at school, and a C prediction would be great. Its not like I am putting pressure on her to get an A! Just a good pass, a C. She says I put loads of pressure on her, always makes it my fault why she can't learn stuff. She is doing a BTEC as well as 2 a levels - she seems to be doing very well with this (healthcare) but says she doesn't want to do it for a career. She has no passion for anything really except the sport that she does, and even thats half hearted.

Is it ok to put your foot down and say you expect good passes in tests? Its only 4 weeks into term surely she should be feeling a bit more confident. I can't go through all this again in 2 years sad

BubblesBuddy Fri 06-Oct-17 12:15:26

To be honest, she's not suitable for A level study is she? She's already done badly and the BTec is telling you something. She needs a more practical course and not A levels.

There is another problem in that she has no aims. What are the A levels and what is she going to do with them? Is she taking them for the sake of it? I would try and have a conversation about a career and then explore ways to achieve it. Starting at a college of FE next year on a vocational course would seem to be a better idea. I think you are flogging a dead horse I'm afraid!

PotteringAlong Fri 06-Oct-17 12:17:16

I'd be saying now was the time to give up with the a-levels. No point throwing 2 more years at them.

Restingwitchface Fri 06-Oct-17 12:18:32

Well, we arent sure bubbles.

She is carrying on with the A level that she got a D in and her tutor says that with plenty of work it would be possible to get a B.

I agree I think a btec diploma would have been a good option but she point blank refused to go to college so here we are.

Restingwitchface Fri 06-Oct-17 12:19:19

Think I'll wait until she gets predicted grades at the end of the term and see where we go from there. The school absolutely love her which doesn't help in a way.

TeenTimesTwo Fri 06-Oct-17 12:19:35

How did she do in her GCSEs? Did she work for them?

Does she know where she went wrong last year? Have you / her / her tutors discussed / agreed what she will do differently this year? If she just does the same again, she will get the same results ...

I guess what I am saying is that saying 'work harder' doesn't seem to be helping. She also does her homework. So maybe you collectively need to agree what 'work harder' actually means.

So maybe make a list of extras such as
- read X chapter of textbook
- do practice questions from exam paper
- learn lists of definitions

Otherwise, if she gets same grades again I guess she wouldn't be permitted to continue for year 2, so she would have 1 year of 6th form left but would be having to do a 1 year BTEC this time?

Maybe stop nagging but set basic ground rules:
- you are giving her an allowance (presuming you are) based on college attendance and working at her academics
- if she drops out you aren't funding her past bed and board
- after 6th form she has to go to uni / get a job, uni won't take her with those grades

Provided she understands what she needs to do, and is capable of doing it, I think you need to take a step back.

Restingwitchface Fri 06-Oct-17 12:21:16

I have already rung a university that she's quite interested in and actually asked them - if she gets BC in her A levels and a D* in her BTEC would they consider her and they said yes! She was motivated momentarily!

2014newme Fri 06-Oct-17 12:21:25

She's not suited to A levels. Getting a job and taking a break from studying may be the answer

MyBrilliantDisguise Fri 06-Oct-17 12:22:13

Restingwitchface, her teacher doesn't know what she's talking about, sorry! If she got a D in a subject she'd have to be working at A* level in order to get a B. That's not just "plenty of work."

I taught A levels and we wouldn't have let her back in with those results, I'm afraid. It would be clear that an academic course wasn't for her.

Restingwitchface Fri 06-Oct-17 12:22:26

She doesn't want to drop out. She is very hard working. She's just not hugely clever! I am hoping that she's overreacting and she hasn't done as badly as she thinks in this test...

MyBrilliantDisguise Fri 06-Oct-17 12:22:51

But a D* is really hard to get in BTEC!

SlothMama Fri 06-Oct-17 12:23:23

It could be that A-Levels aren't for her, BTECs may be more suitable for her. Could you try getting her a tutor? Or taking electronics away when she should be studying

Restingwitchface Fri 06-Oct-17 12:23:31

I taught A levels and we wouldn't have let her back in with those results, I'm afraid. It would be clear that an academic course wasn't for her.

You can stay on with passes at dds school (outstanding ofsted, very good results, clearly have some idea what they are doing)

Restingwitchface Fri 06-Oct-17 12:24:23

She will do well in the BTEC. Its coursework based which she's really good at. Its exams she can't cope with.

Restingwitchface Fri 06-Oct-17 12:26:18

! If she got a D in a subject she'd have to be working at A level in order to get a B. That's not just "plenty of work."*

Why? We've had the papers back and she actually did really well in one paper. the other one wasn't great but she's having one to one working out her essay technique. It wasn't an AS that counts towards her final grade IYSWIM

BubblesBuddy Fri 06-Oct-17 12:32:47

In your original post you did she didn't work hard enough! Which is it?

If young people are not that bright, there are other routes for education. What were her GCSE results?

You may not know if young people have left the school after they were allowed to stay on. Did they actually do the A2 exams? Or leave after one year? Usually Ofsted do not like scores of children staying at school to do A levels with little hope of a C or above.

I would still investigate other courses and talk to the school if her results are poor. It sounds like you are clutching at straws regarding her improved performance. There are other options where she could thrive.

Garlicansapphire Fri 06-Oct-17 12:37:20

Oh god - been there - sort of am there.

My DD got BDUU for her AS mocks - she hadn't been working at all despite claiming life was very stressful. So she dropped one U and I got her a tutor and spent hours helping her revise. She pulled herself together and got ABC. Very pleased.

Cue this year. Again lazy, sitting in bed watching movies and reading werewolf stories on her phone. No job, no half hearted sports. The other day I came home from work extremely stressed and tired after a job threatening day. She told me she how difficult her life and I snapped and told her in no uncertain terms that she is totally lazy and does nothing after 2.5 months off over the summer and calls from her teacher saying she wasnt doing enough in her prefered course of study. No effort on coursework, no effort booking open days for college, no effort typing up her CV or looking for a job - all things she's said she would do. So she did what she did after the argument last year about laziness and ran off to stay with her Dad - 2 weeks, barely any contact. Easy life at Dads - no nagging, no awareness of what she should be doing, just staring at screens all the time.

She has now come back and I've made it clear I'm not going to rescue her this time. She has to get off her arse and sort out her college open days, admission applications, A level work and revision. I am not going to keep bailing her out. And if she wants to run off and live with her Dad fine. I'm not her bail out plan. She has now booked her open days, but not doing much work (I can hear her watching TV on her screen now), no job.

Partially I think this has been my fault. She's been spoilt and is lazy but at 17 I feel she needs to now start taking responsibility. I have a DS facing GCSE's this year and I need to make sure he's on it.

In your case, I'd deliver an ultimatum. Put the effort in now and see how the results go. Take a year out to work and travel and do some growing up. Or leave school and get a job.

Garlicansapphire Fri 06-Oct-17 12:41:24

Sorry - I didnt read the whole thread. I thought you said in your post she doesnt work hard but later you said she did!

MumofTwoandaDog Fri 06-Oct-17 16:07:24

Not sure if you will find this useful but this website has some blogs and podcasts lifemoreextraordinary.com/ on helping your child help themselves to study, revise and pass exams.

There is a workbook you can print off (my DD refused to do it all but just picked out stuff she felt was useful).

I am not connected with the site in anyway but my DD and I have found some great tips on there. They may help your DD focus on her end goal or find it in the first place.

Restingwitchface Fri 06-Oct-17 17:18:00

Thanks, sorry I know it sounds confusing. She can work hard - and has in the past - and did for her GCSES - and does if she is engaged and understands the subject. If she flounders, she just backs off, tools down.

She's just literally today had her predicted grade for the A level and its a B. She got an A in one paper at AS level so they know she can do it.

I feel guilty writing all this as her report has just said what a conscientious, hard worker she is with a fab positive attitude hmm

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