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DD13 and social media. What can I do? I now have parents at my door.

(63 Posts)
DailyMailDontStealMyThread Wed 24-May-17 22:07:21

DD13 has issues which involve risk taking, immaturity and lack of gadging situations.

She loves her phone and enjoys snapchat and Instagram although we rarely get to see any of it because she is very guarded over her phone.

I know how bad that sounds and I deserve to be told to parent her and I do try but she has ODD amongst other things and it's a real pick your battles mind field, very draining and I feel bad enough about it all without being called out on here as well. I'm asking for help and advice.

It's come to light that DD is in with a few girls online that she allows herself to get pulled in with and long short of it is coming across as a bully. This is horrible and I hate it. Ive previously had parents at my door (understandable) and I've removed her phone for periods of time as punishment. This results in constant wars with her stealing other family gadgets (she has two other sisters) and wil go "missing" after school because "she doesn't have a phone"

A couple of nights ago she joined a live feed (I've no idea really what that is) and a parent told her to fuck off, she would drag her to the curb and called her a cunt. This is a parent that DD has been vile to, I punished her for it and things looked like they had sorted themselfpves out and I've not had any issues for ages since.

DD told me straight away, I think she wanted me to jump to her defence but I've explained that the parent, although very wrong is mad on behalf of her daughter because of how DD made her feel.

I want to take her internet access away. She is clearly not mature enough to be on it but her dad doesn't agree and it's his account that pays for the phone and all the internet etc. He thinks she needs one more chance but that's one more chance to bully someone else isn't it?

Floggingmolly Wed 24-May-17 22:09:57

Her Dad sounds as dim as a forty watt bulb hmm

Wolfiefan Wed 24-May-17 22:10:10

Yes it is.
She's coming across as a bully? So she's bullying then? Remove the access to social media.
She's a child. She doesn't get to be guarded about her phone to avoid you seeing she's being a bully.
Not coming home from school? Can you go and pick her up?

KeepCalm Wed 24-May-17 22:15:44

You need to cut her right off right now. No internet. No snapchat. No instagram.

She is a child that needs your protection AS well as your guidance. AND if she is doing this and getting away with it, it's only going to get worse.

Tell your DH to wise up. And quickly.

highinthesky Wed 24-May-17 22:15:50

You know that the answer is to confiscate the phone until DD can demonstrate she can be trusted.

No wonder you're worn out if DH won't support you. I bet all the discipline is down to you and he gets to look like the hero because he subs the phone. Are you sure he doesn't have ODD himself? hmm

KeepCalm Wed 24-May-17 22:16:52

Our DD is same age and we removed her phone and social media accounts for a LOT less than this.

She had to earn it back.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread Wed 24-May-17 22:17:04

She is a bully in my eyes and the eyes of other parents. It's making it impossible to go into town without feeling like I'm being talked about. Not that it about me of course. I've told her all of that. One of the parents were arrested for attaking a child and parent of feeling their child was being bullied. She has a "it's not me" attitude and gets abusive that I won't jump in against their behaviour towards her (the parents)

I think her DD feels sorry for her because she has lost her friendship groups (due to her nasty behaviour) and only has these scattered friends on her phone.

It's a massive red flag for me.

We are waiting CBT, therapy, counselling. She sees a specialist doctor but that's only really a medication review.

She doesn't see how her dicisions impact on us and others.

2014newme Wed 24-May-17 22:18:53

Remove phone and all other gadget she has proven she cannot deal with access to social media responsibility. It could be the police at your door next, seriously.

pestov Wed 24-May-17 22:19:27

She called a parent a cunt a couple of nights ago but you haven't had any issues for ages? Please start parenting your girl properly. No more unsupervised internet. Call her network and turn off 3/4G. Batten down the hatches as she will not be happy with this (especially if ODD) but DO NOT GIVE IN and get your DH onboard too

DailyMailDontStealMyThread Wed 24-May-17 22:21:30

highinthesky after her diagnosis which was a very long and tiring road and then lots of research because I'd never heard of ODD I have no doubt DD and her dad have very similar traits.

I'm always the bad guy, she resents me but it's not just about looking out for her and us it's also looking out and protecting others.

Along with knowing one of these parents may well knock on my door and not just for a quiet word. I've stopped socialising because I don't know who I can trust and I'm now just a mother of a bully.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread Wed 24-May-17 22:22:22

pestov the parent called my DD a cunt and said she would kick her to the curb if she sees her.

JoyceDivision Wed 24-May-17 22:25:08

What exactly has your DD been posting to make the parents so angry?

Is this a case of provoking some very very very unpleasant parents, or is it a case of parents being provoked by some very very very unpleasant behaviour?

In your shoes, I think I'd be removing the phone until further notice (if your other dc need to let you look after theirs on an evening to keep them safe from your dd then so be it) and explain the reason is two fold - she is bullying, and she cannot judge and demonstrate appropriate behaviour, hence she cannot use items with access to social media.

If a child was being bullied via social media, and the parents of that child realised the bully was being allowed to continue using of social media and continue their bullying by their parents, it would surely be an exasperating feeling.

Dad needs over ruling

DailyMailDontStealMyThread Wed 24-May-17 22:26:53

Sorry, I've just re read my op and it should say:,

This is a parent of a child DD has been vile to...

And I sorted all of the above out amongst the DC and the school (they have been great) with the result being me and the parent not on speaking terms, her choice and understandable, I'd feel the same but wouldn't then sit on Instagram threatening a 13yr old and call them a cunt.

JoyceDivision Wed 24-May-17 22:29:48

Calling a 13 year old a cunt is bad, but do you have evidence of what your DD has been doing to their dc to get to this point?What is the content of the bullying? Is this reaction the culmination of weeks or months of online bullying against their dc? How is their dc coping with the bullying?

Bobbins43 Wed 24-May-17 22:30:24

Take away her phone and her internet access. I think you know that this is the right thing to do as she obviously can't handle it and she's putting herself and other people through the mill because of it. It's not worth it. And must be bloody horrible for you too

RJnomore1 Wed 24-May-17 22:33:16

Well without condoning my child's behaviour I would be raising an issue with an adult who threatened them with violence.

And I'd be removing internet privileges FOR HER SAKE and that's what you need to stress to your dh. I can't believe he isn't on this!

Floggingmolly Wed 24-May-17 22:35:21

But you still haven't removed her access. She's actually being threatened on social media due to her vile behaviour and she's still free to continue. That is gobsmacking, frankly.
And your DH's attitude is beyond my understanding completely. Something tells me her upbringing may have played a huge part in her behaviour. Is he this lax in all areas of parenting? hmm
Does he always have the final say, even though he's got it so badly, badly wrong?

DailyMailDontStealMyThread Wed 24-May-17 22:36:54

joyce DDs online behaviour hasn't been anything that I could be proud of - liking nasty posts which then alert that person that the post is there and about them.

Last big one was boys calling a girl fat and DD re posted it in a "x needs to know what y is saying about her"

Commenting on pictures that are photoshopped using "fat girl" porn with the child's face pasted on.

I feel ashamed just remembering it all and in no way to defend DD, she didn't create any of these posts just felt the need to get involved and become part of the gang which is just as bad in my book.

joyce I don't judge but I'm worried that she is bringing parents to my door that act on their feelings and end up being bullies, as adults themselves.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread Wed 24-May-17 22:39:17

And the last time it happened I did take her phone and didn't give it back for 2 weeks, 2 weeks of hell with DD and silence from her dad who didn't agree. I told her to earn it back but here we are again.

It's very draining and such a horrible situation because I hate bullying and feel I may be showing hatred towards DD because there is nothing left to like right now.

JoyceDivision Wed 24-May-17 22:39:40

Okay, so your DD is part of a group doing this... have the parents approached the other families of the other pupils involved in it?

Re the examples you'ce given, is it easy to see who created the pictures / posts, and have they been approached?

Floggingmolly Wed 24-May-17 22:43:22

So if you've removed her phone once before for similar behaviour; why is her Dad campaigning for "one last chance"? She's had that, hasn't she? confused
He sulked throughout her last punishment, and is refusing to agree to remove it again...
I'd question his intelligence motives, personally.

Clonakilty Wed 24-May-17 22:45:14

OP - you can't be soft on this one. Do the right thing before it gets worse and there is physical violence. I can see this going to the police as cyber-bullying very soon and your DD won't come out of it smelling of roses. She could be cautioned or worse. Do something now!!

msgrinch Wed 24-May-17 22:46:56

This has to be a wind up.

Chaotica Wed 24-May-17 22:47:18

It sounds like she needs to know that what she's doing is illegal, not just bullying. Who created the posts is irrelevant, your DD shouldn't be sharing them. I'd take her off-line. (I know that is going to be hard for you.)

qwertyuiopasdfghjkl Wed 24-May-17 22:48:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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